


Elf Meets Trolls: Homestuck Liveblogging, Act 2

by Elf (Elfwreck)



Series: Elfstuck [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Dad Egbert is Loki, Liveblog, Meta, Nonfiction, Originally Posted on Tumblr, Other, Post-Apocalypse, SBURB, Slash Goggles, Tentacles, Timey-Wimey, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-13
Updated: 2014-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:22:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 42
Words: 39,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23148445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elfwreck/pseuds/Elf
Summary: After much bickering, @chibipawmanaged to convince me that there is, in fact, more content to Homestuck, and it doesn’t end with the curtain fall after the explosion. She insists that the existence of trolls and acts 2-6 are not some massive conspiracy created by HS fans to entice unsuspecting newbies into liveblogging for their amusement.
Series: Elfstuck [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1663873
Kudos: 5
Collections: March Meta Matters Challenge





	1. HE ATEN’T DED

**Author's Note:**

> I am suspicious, but I will attempt to click on the next link. But really. What am I supposed to think when I see this:  
> 

Next up: Desolate sands. This is not encouraging, folks.

Well, okay. There’s still links to click on, and post-apoc is my favorite scifi genre, so I’ll give this a try. BUT I’VE GOT MY EYE ON YOU. (Assume I’m doing my very best Samuel L. Jackson as Nick Fury impression here.) (We will not discuss how pathetic that would be for a middle-aged kinda roundish white woman. I have teenage kids; I assure you I can pull off the Glare Of Doom when I need to.)

There’s a link to [A Wayward Vagabond](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2Fstoryfiles%2Fhs2%2Fwaywardvagabond%2Frecordsastutteringstep%2F&t=NzM4ZGE4YzZiMTBjM2I0OTdkMzc4N2FkMzc2YzIyNzk2ZTY2NWQ2YixNS1hJNFBFOQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87456710303&m=0) exploring the desert. He’s dark and shrouded and reminds me of the Glitch [smuggler](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.glitchthegame.com%2Finhabitants%2Fquests%2Fsmuggler%2F&t=NDdmYzI1NTliODQ1Yjc4NTNjNzJhYmQwNDc4ZTQ4YTA4ZWU0NGRmYSxNS1hJNFBFOQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87456710303&m=0), so I have a moment of happy thoughts before he reaches down to the sand and uncovers… a white disk with a spirography thing on it.

He has a black four-fingered hand, so apparently humanity has mutated pretty far in the “few years” since the bomb went off.

Then [Act 2 begins](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002149&t=MWU1NjUwZDk3YjdiZjhlNTk4YTU0MGExNTUxZWNmNDMwNWFkYjE4YixNS1hJNFBFOQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87456710303&m=0) with a txt file from the sburb beta gamefaq, written by tentacleTherapist. It points out that by installing the game, the players have helped bring around the end of the world–but don’t worry about that, because “we were always doomed through our collective ignorance, and now further doomed by those few who know, and struggle to flee. If you’re lucky, you’ll be among the smaller subset of the latter who are successful.”

Then, like all snake-oil salesmen, she insists that your survival hinges on following her instructions. Hm.

She’s sneaky. I like her.

Next file has sound. I have to turn off the Jonathan Coulton Code Monkey soundtrack to listen to it.

[Sburb beta](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002150&t=Y2ZhZWZlMTA1YTkzNDI4ZGQ1ODE4ZDU1NjI1NTkyZGUwMmY5N2YzNCxNS1hJNFBFOQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87456710303&m=0) takes a ridiculously long time to load (or maybe that’s just my computer) and then scrolls through John’s house, showing the outside grow black and eyes appearing under his bed and later outside the kitchen window where his dad is.

As the viewpoint pulls back, we see John’s house on a pillar of earth with a huge crater around it, surrounded by blackness. John’s silhouette shows he’s taken a bite of the apple.

Ooh, cool. John and his dad will have to repopulate the human race from the inside of one house. Fortunately, dad is Loki, who is a known shapeshifter who can get pregnant in his female form. Also, John will be very happy that while the car and tree (with tire swing) have survived, the playset with caterpillar thingie hasn’t. This may console him when he realizes his only access to erotic activities for the rest of his life is his father. (Well. Probably adopted father. Loki didn’t have any children named “JohnEgbert.”)

Maybe I should click on the next page before deciding that’s the direction this story’s going, hmm? (I did mention I like post-apoc. It brings out the weird plotbunnies.)

The kernel splits in two, “leaving behind the sprite portion,” whateverthefuck that means. The black kernelthing goes down into unknown layers of abyss; the white one goes up toward what might be the sun (except it’s grey in the black black sky) and leaves a trail of spirography things behind it.

The sprite is apparently the blue glowy clown-shaped thing, which maybe whispers “Boy” at John. At least, John thinks something whispers at him, and the sprite is the only entity in his immediate vicinity.

Next page has sound, so it’s convenient that I haven’t returned to the Coulson soundtrack. (I kinda liked the winds-in-the-wasteland sound of the last one. Was still savoring that before I switched to acoustic guitar music.)

Oooh, more wasteland sounds! I like that. And a “click this” button. Hm. Last time we clicked something, it caused planetwide destruction. (Or maybe just blockwide destruction. We have only tT’s word that this is a world-affecting event, after all, and she’s sneaky.)

I suppose I’ll click. What else am I gonna do–go back to watching the Vagabond wander through the sands? He’s not even animated.

[A box pops up](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002153&t=NjU3ZGFjZDFlMDNmOGNiZmI4ZTA4NzAwMWQ3YmEwZDRkYTEyZDcwZSxNS1hJNFBFOQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87456710303&m=0) to say, “To walk around, use the mouse, arrow keys, ro WASD keys. Click on various objects ot open command menus for them!” It then gives thanks to programmer Alexis “Gankro” Beingessner.

Ooh, now I can move JE around! I use the mouse a bit, click on the platform (popup text between yellow lines: THIS LARGE PLATFORM. GOOD GRIEF, WHAT IS IT BOY?) - click on the text (we’ll pretend I thought of doing that before I clicked on the railing which has text that says “PEEK OVER THE RAILING”); another box informs me that the Alchemiter created the apple in time to save me (erm, John) from destruction. John wonders where his dad is. (Answer: kitchen.) Remember, kiddies: magic blue apples can save you from meteoric destruction. Now let’s go peek over the railing before trying the door.

Peeking over the railing is a no-go. It’s a long way down, and John is too nervous to look.

The door gets me, “BOY, OPEN THIS DOOR AND WALK THROUGH IT.”

We’re in the hallway, or the nicely bathtub-free ledge next to the stairs.

Okay, I can now move around the house and get cute descriptions of the items I’ve already described. Wandering around, I put John in his dad’s office/den again, and click on the cards on the floor (a mess that John knows his dad would be very upset about) and the important part: the poster.

I click on the poster and get “CLICK ON THIS MERRY BAND OF PERFORMERS.” When I click on the text, I get,

The “Dad Egbert is Loki” theory is not getting less plausible as time goes on.

Clicking on the piano gets an exhortation to play it, so I do, and get the Haunting Refrain again. Hmmm. I think I wanna bookmark [this page](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002153&t=NjU3ZGFjZDFlMDNmOGNiZmI4ZTA4NzAwMWQ3YmEwZDRkYTEyZDcwZSxNS1hJNFBFOQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87456710303&m=0). I like poking around John’s house. I also think I’m not going to go through every item in the house and liveblog about them all _again_.

I will note that the sprite is alarmed by the Joker’s knife, dislikes harlequins in general, and tries to get John to pay attention to it as I maneuver him around the house. It tells him to move the cruxtruder out of the house; John, still a slave to the laws of physics, refuses to attempt to move the huge heavy piece of equipment.

Exploring the kitchen shows black smears all over the kitchen floor, and no dad. However, Sassacre’s book is there. (The sprite thinks it’s inappropriate for a boy his age. John disagrees.)

There’s a weird meta-conversation going on here. Clicking on the papers on the table gets the text “HAVE THE BOY EXAMINE HIS SURROUNDINGS” (or something like that; it won’t repeat), with a popup box that said “Tell him yourself” and then yellowsurround text saying “OH OKAY”… hmm. I’m not sure who the sprite is talking to.

Okay, sprite is talking to me. (Maybe?) Heh. Cute. Popup box is sometimes John’s thoughts/reactions, and sometimes maybe mine–the “player”. Or something else.

And then it loops around to the “YOU THERE. BOY” text again.

Hmm, yellow text is not coming from the sprite, because clicking on the sprite gets the incomprehensible fleur-de-lys text. John contemplates the new sprite:

Yellow text gets pushy:

John, however, is not supposed to prototype the sprite; the Server User does that part.

And it’s rude.

That would be, by the way, the living room with Grandma’s ashes.

Once again, we go contemplate the cruxtruder. (I am ridiculously proud of myself for remembering the name of the thing without having to look it up or read through my old entries.) The Yellowsurround voice tells John to move it and leave his house.

“Housetrapped,” yes. Of course.

And while the link text below the little flash scene/game tells “Boy” to “quit all this scurrying around,” I think this is long enough for one entry.

John Egbert: Not as dead as most people who are at ground zero of a meteor strike.


	2. Hussie LIES

That, o gentle readers, is a SAFE. I recognize a wall safe when I see one, and the clicktext for it also indicates that it is a safe, in case I was confused and thought it was some kind of locked refrigerator or someone’s crime-themed art project. It offers options to retrieve arms from it, shoot it, or open it. Attempting to retrieve arms informs me that I already have them (and it insults me); attempting to shoot it points out that I have nothing to shoot _with_ (but hey, Trickster John is blonde like Hawkeye; doesn’t that mean he can make a deadly projectile out of the candy stuck in his hair?), and opening it takes me back to the yard in front of John’s house.

HUSSIE SAID IT WAS NOT SAFE AND THEN IT WAS EXACTLY SAFE. Well, safe and desk and lamp and floor, but all those other things are standard office fixtures and safes are not.

I have learned my lesson, folks: Hussie _lies_.


	3. Just the Important Details

Recap of house explorations:

There is black goo in John’s room, under the bed, as well as in the kitchen.

The bunny is no longer in its box. It seems to be missing. Black goo is smeared around the box as well.

TT is pestering John on Pesterchum. Implies strongly that there’s internet after the apocalypse, a detail which makes me happy.

The Caterpillar Pogo Thing survived, is still covered with cake and arms, but is apparently non-functional.

Dad is missing from the kitchen, and a bowl of goo (probably cake mix) is on the floor. The cake-to-be is a lie.

The chimney is NOT SAFE. (Only, as discussed, that’s also a lie.)

The yellowsurround voice that orders John to do things shares most of his tastes, except doesn’t like his books. 

It doesn’t know what any of the SBURB machinery is, and seems to think it should all be gotten rid of. (I may agree with it on that point.)

*ponder ponder ponder*

AHA! The monster-thing under the bed, and the two monster-things (or maybe single four-eyed monster thing) outside the kitchen window, are attracted to prey with horns. They went after the bunny under the mistaken impression that it was some kind of tiny antelope with flat fuzzy antlers, and Dad must’ve been wearing his Loki Helmet when they caught him in the kitchen.

If John wants to get rid of the pogo-thing, he just needs to break a few twigs off the tree and affix them to the pogo-caterpillar’s head, and they’ll be back to eat it promptly.


	4. Exploring the world! Or, the balcony.

Bored with exploring the house and clicking on posters. Time to click on the “[BOY, QUIT ALL THIS SCURRYING AROUND](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002154&t=ODI4NzgxYjZjYmI3OGYzNjdlMDkxMTc0NDkzNDkxZjVhMTNlOTE0MixVZVd3N1JSdg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87533907823&m=0)” link.

Narrator points out that boy’s name is John.

Yellowsurround voice (I assume that’s who’s giving him orders) tells John to go back to his quarters. (Which, if you remember, is where he was, ‘cos I was screencapping bunny box.)

John tries to avoid stepping in the sludge; the voice tells him to respond to the computer. [John complies](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002156&t=ZWYxMzJlMTBiZjEyZTgwMGJmOTVlY2I2ZTYzMmY3ZjJhZTQ0MzVmZixVZVd3N1JSdg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87533907823&m=0).  


Remember: when the world has ended and your parent and favorite new toy have both been replaced by slimy black goo, head for the internet. Or at least the chat program portion of it, so someone with a good FAQ can help you figure out what to do next.

TT admonishes John for exploring his house after his world is apparently destroyed. She says it was only his neighborhood, and he was transported somewhere (she doesn’t know where). There are meteor strikes everywhere; his was the biggest reported so far–but the other ones are getting bigger.

Obviously, if this is because of the game, they must master the game to Save The World.

They will begin by fetching the PDA. (Which, IIRC, was in the neighbor’s yard. So good luck with that.) TT says she can maybe recycle some of the grist they’ve used toward that end.

John admonishes her for not wishing him a happy birthday; she said she hadn’t yet 'cos his present wasn’t ready. After a bit of apologetic commentary on both sides, I can almost feel the mutual high-five through the chatroom. They’re good.

Voiceover insists John pick up the towel from the floor. (Earlier, it thought the towel was a rug. It now insists on the label “fabric item.”)

John dutifully captchalogues the towel. His sylladex now holds two harlequin statues, a magic wand (I think that’s what the little tube-looking thing is), and a towel. He has one open card.

Voice then tells him to go to the balcony, “as the purple text says.” I see no purple text. Yellowsurround Voice is hearing voices. Great. Unreliable narrator isn’t enough; we get an unreliable game interface. (There is, actually, some purple text. It says “Start Over | Go Back” and is purple because I’ve already visited those links. I suspect those aren’t the puprle text the voice is telling John to obey.)

The voice directs him to the alchemiter, where it insists he pick up the “blue wobbly thing,” another fine and accurate description of the cruxite totem.  


Why haven’t you people sent me one already? Lazy selfish bastards, the lot of you. (No, I’m not giving you my address. Do your own damn stalker research.)

John, ever-compliant with random orders, captchalogues the totem. Who knows; maybe it’ll make another tree later.

It then orders him to recycle grist. John, however, can’t do anything with grist; the Sburb server person does that. The voice seems a bit confused at that.

Rose, however, figures out how to delete the PERFECTLY GENERIC OBJECTS and return the 6 units of BUILD GRIST to the GRIST CACHE.

So:  
Green cubes, poof.  
Blue hexagons, +6.

Rose then spends grist to [drag an extension](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002162&t=N2ZjYmFjYzE2MTk1NDE2ZTNiYThjYTkwYWMzOGYyOGQ4OTY5MWUwNSxVZVd3N1JSdg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87533907823&m=0) from John’s balcony out over the abyss, in the direction of the former neighbor’s yard, which now consists of a pillar holding the PDA. It looks to be about three feet across, a veritable needle of earth with a green top.

Maybe John doesn’t need to actually fetch the PDA: if he gets close enough, Rose should be able to grab it with the tangram-house cursor. However, it looks like John’s going to have to walk the plank.


	5. Wibbly Wobbly

Since today had the Bizarre Troublesome Blog Mispost and all that, I want to do one more liveblog post, in the right place, to feel like I’ve actually caught up.  
  
John is being instructed to run across the plank over the abyss “swiftly.” I’m hoping John decides that’s a command he doesn’t need to follow too closely.  


Sure enough. John is not happy about that concept. The voice–Vagabond? Wayward Vagabond? WV?–tells him to “make haste,” which might be a more reasonable phrasing.  
Nope, John is [not going for that](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002164&t=YzQzNDFjYTY2NTE5Y2ZjY2NjYWY3OWZiNjhmYTgxYjY5NTEyMTYzYixSS1lEYklobg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87568415943&m=0) either. The voice (WV?) relents and tells him to go at his own pace. That, he can handle, and he walks out to the end of the plank, placing himself where the PDA is within Rose’s range.  


John then captchalogues the PDA, which sends a harlequin statuette [shooting off into the abyss](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002166&t=YjM4MmE4MjRlOTlmZjQxZGE0NDQxZDBmYTAzMjJiNzc4YTBhMmIwZCxSS1lEYklobg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87568415943&m=0). The sprite dodges it.  
  
The PDA indicates that ~~Loki’s~~ Dad Egbert’s pals have been trying to contact him:  


> The following matters have been submitted in a frank and forthright manner for pipefan413’s appraisal  
>  **fedorafreak** \- ty all, report: most hats removed from danger, ties next.  
>  **wellPressedAtire** \- fedorafreak, you are in our thoughts, along with pipefan413 and his enviable collection of pipes.  
>  **officeurchin1280** \- gl fedorafreak, salvage as many hats as is practical.  
>  **fedorafreak** \- neighboring house struck by flaming projectile. in light of fire hazard, evacuating house of all expensive garments.  
>  **greyslacks66** \- @pipefan413: status of health/wardrobe?  
>  **wellPressedAtire** \- Submitting inquiry of concern over cataclysmic event. pipefan413 reply.

As I [noted before:](http://elfstuck.tumblr.com/post/83960003474/installations-and-revelations)

  * greyslacks66 is Phil Coulson
  * wellPressedAttire is Tony Stark
  * officeurchin1280 is Clint Barton



fedorafreak is new. That could be Steve, Bruce, or Natasha, none of which actually gives a damn about hats. That means the hats are code for something. Given their line of work, probably weapons, and that means fedorafreak is probably Natasha.  
  
Makes sense that officeurchin1280–Clint–would specifically comment to her. Also, Phil and Tony are probably keeping tabs on Loki who was probably serving some kind of house arrest program; they’d be invested in him checking in during a disaster.  
  
However, John is not interested in his father’s friends’ concerns, and he [switches to Pesterchum to talk with Rose](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002168&t=ZWU3MzkxNDBiYzAwYjNmNWEyYmY4ZDEzNTQ2ZmU1NTk5N2Y5MzFlZSxSS1lEYklobg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87568415943&m=0). John has noticed THE VOICE, and realized it’s pushing him to do weird things. TT suggests some kind of PTSD, and John agrees that sounds plausible.  
  
They discuss prototyping the Kernelsprite (or, erm, Sprite) before TT’s laptop battery dies, and WV tells John not to do that, but instead hop off the ldege and onto the car.  
  
Prediction: John refuses. Because as foolish as John can be, “jump off a plank hanging over an abyss and hope I manage to land on Dad’s car, which is every bit as soft and squishy as most cars in the 21st century, which is to say, I probably wouldn’t break any limbs if I landed well,” is probably outside of his comfort zone. If he wasn’t willing to run onto the ledge, he’s probably not willing to jump off of it.

….

I [called it](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002169&t=MzUxYzQ1YWFlZGQ5OTZhZDY0ZGM3NmNhOTk2MDA2NDU3NTM1MjU1YSxSS1lEYklobg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87568415943&m=0).

WV gets very insistent, with five ==> tags instead of just one.

John [continues to refuse](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002170&t=NTliYTJmYzVlOWUyYWQ4MjBiODZkZDM3ZWY1YjVjN2IzZjljNWM4NSxSS1lEYklobg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87568415943&m=0), shaking his head firmly, and demands to know who is giving him orders. That, apparently, is a Big Question, because I’m facing another “Years in the future, but not many… ” link.

I’m not up to another flash movie/game session tonight, folks.

We flash back (forward?) to the [spirography lid in the desert](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002171&t=MjVlOTMwN2VmM2EwM2ExZDQ4MDg5OTFiYTZhZTFkMzY4NjExZTE5ZixSS1lEYklobg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87568415943&m=0), which is now open, and shows a tube/tunnel with a ladder to crawl down. Terrific.

It links to yet another [page of story-via-pictures](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2Fstoryfiles%2Fhs2%2Fwaywardvagabond%2Fanunsealedtunnel%2F&t=YzQxNmEyZTk5NTg4YzE2MDM0MzBlZTJkMWFiMzAzNGM2MTMzYjhiOSxSS1lEYklobg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87568415943&m=0), this time showing exploration of the underground lab or factory or whatever it is.

At the bottom of the stairs is a couple of small piles of yellow dust, and all I can think is, “[He’s dead, Dave](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3Dshs7VQhVvxA&t=ZTk2YmM3Y2YwYTI3YWQzMmU5YmEyNzZmZGViYzFhZTZlMTQxNTBlMyxSS1lEYklobg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87568415943&m=0); everybody is dead; everybody’s dead, Dave.” But the dust probably isn’t people; it’s probably sand. Probably not uranium dust, which was my second guess.

WV pokes around the big empty lab-looking place (with spirography symbols on some of the large machinery, one of which has some kind of energy meter that’s in the low red zone) until he finds a Sburb house thingie with a picture of John with apple, next to his house on a pillar.

Below that is a keyboard which WV uses to type: BOY. YOU THERE, BOY… and presumably the rest of the interactions/commands come through that. 

Okay, before I return to John at his house (or Rose at hers, or whatever the next ==> link brings)… WV is doing this place “years in the future.” Twice? Or once? John is… only moments after the destruction of the neighborhood (or hours, but that’s moments on this scale), and WV is sending him messages from the future?

It’s Sunday night. I have work in the morning. And laundry to do. I’m too tired to deal with time paradoxes right now.


	6. Sburb Beta Walkthrough - section A000 (basics)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have I mentioned that I’m a doc conversion fanatic?

My earliest activities on the internet included going into newsgroups (mygods, most of you people have probably never heard of newsgroups and think I mean some kind of CNN-sponsored forums. No. CNN ~~did not exist yet~~ had no online presence yet.), copying FAQs (before the word “FAQ” was in common use) or lists into Word for Windows 3.1 (I hated Windows 3.11; it scrambled things), removing the line breaks and otherwise tweaking the formatting, and printing them out. Or just saving them on the computer. I probably still have some. [Somewhere](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fxkcd.com%2F1360%2F&t=NTAyMzQ1MWZkOTY2NGFmYTdmMWJiN2E0NzBjMzdjNDkwOTllOWM0Nix0aWNTSDJtQw%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87636707588&m=0).

Since then (this *will* get back to Homestuck, I promise), I got a job in the doc-conversion industry, mostly involving PDFs. Later, when that company’s California branch folded, I got a job in litigation support, doing document-ish things, with less PDF work and more tif conversion/database work. Still did a lot of OCR, though.

I scan books and OCR them and reformat them to get ebook versions. For fun. I scan forms and convert those, too. I have professionally worked with various OCR programs for over 12 years. (I have fond memories of some features of Acrobat 4.0 that were removed in 5 and have never returned.) (Don’t ask unless you really want to know, because I can honestly wax eloquent about doc conversion and PDF manipulation for *days.*)

What’s that got to do with Homestuck? Well, the next Homestuck page is the FAQ/Walkthrough that Rose creates/created, explaining the importance of the punchcard item and suchlike.

It’s a gif. It’s a gif full of text. In tiny tiny type. I have to squint to read it. If I blow it up, the text is all blocky, because of course, it’s a 72dpi image. (If you don’t know what that means, trust me, you don’t care.) I understand why it’s that way–filesize is important, and very few people are going to care to read all of it. That, or everyone under the age of 20 has supersharp eyes and has no problem with the goddam “8 pt grey-on-white text” trend that’s taken over the internet.

I can’t read it comfortably. I can, however, convert it comfortably and quickly.

All thousand-odd words of “[[A000] An Examination of the Basics](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002172&t=MjU5Njg3ODlhODA0M2Y4ZmJlNDdjYWJhODcyZDAwMTA3NDBhNmZlMyx0aWNTSDJtQw%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87636707588&m=0)” are under the cut here. Don’t bother clicking if you don’t want to read them. I’ll sort out thoughts/reactions later, after I’ve had time to actually read it.

====================================================  
**[A000] An Examination of the Basics**  
====================================================

Upon connecting with the client user, you, the server user, will be met with a control panel allowing you to manipulate your co-player’s environment. You will find that you are allowed to deploy four items at no expense. Three of these are rather large machines, and one is a punch card.

It’s quite possible that you have already deployed some of these items before reading this. If this is the case, and you have activated the machine called the “cruxtruder” such that it displays a countdown, YOU MUST PROCEED TO SECTION [A100] OF THIS WALKTHROUGH IMMEDIATELY. The life of the client user depends on it, and if your co-player has activated this device in your environment too, then yours does as well.

But if not, please refrain from doing anything with the cruxtruder, aside from merely deploying it. This will buy us some time to think things through properly, and to go over the basics of the game before you find your soft, easily-punctured head in the jaws of the lion.

As mentioned, there are four items to consider, each playing a role in a process which appears to have a singular purpose: to manufacture objects out of thin air. The designers of the game, judging by the language used, regard this process as a sort of alchemy. This may allude to complexities in the production process yet to present themselves. But for now, the variety of objects you are able to create remains quite limited.

The items in question are the CRUXTRUDER (again, tread lightly with this one), the TOTEM LATHE, the ALCHEMITER, and the PRE-PUNCHED CARD. I will describe how these devices work in conjunction with each other, and I will use the analogy of having a key made at a hardware store to help you understand.

First, deploy all of these objects in convenient proximity to each other. Be sure not to block doors or pathways with them. You can always “revise” the dimensions of rooms to make space for them, but I’d advise against this, or even experimenting with the function. Doing so comes at the expense of “build grist”, a commodity which appears to be at a premium at the onset, and one you’d be best advised to save for later.

**– THE CRUXTRUDER –**

Removing the lid signals the moment your life becomes a great whirling batshit pandemonium, somewhat resembling the chaos of an especially ethnic wedding. Somewhere, a soused uncle deliberately shatters china on the floor. Muddy livestock is decorated, and then lost track of. The question “Who’s mule is this?” at times can be heard over the din. This is now your reality.

But aside from that, it marks the beginning of the process I am about to describe. The countdown begins, yes. Also, an entity called the “Kernel sprite” is released. But neither of these things are all that relevant to this process, to my knowledge. More on these things later.

What is relevant is the un-lidded cruxtruder’s ability to dispense “cruxite dowels”. It will dispense at least one, though I suspect it is capable of producing more, given parameters I’m not yet familiar with. In my key-making analogy, these dowels represent the uncarved pieces of metal which the hardware store employee retrieves from a drawer or a rack, and sets about carving into a key. The two following items are needed to do the carving.

**– THE PRE-PUNCHED CARD –**

It is a simple sylladex card containing an item. There is evidence to suggest the specific item it contains is variable from session-to-session. The card I deployed contained a blue apple. Yours may be different. It shouldn’t matter, hopefully.

Additionally, the card as you may guess is “punched”, like one used with antique computing systems. The pattern of holes comprises data, which I believe corresponds to the instructions for creating the item the card contains. That it is “pre-punched” suggests there is a way to punch an un-punched card, possibly imprinting it with the data for the item it contains, though no mechanism for this has presented itself yet.

But the data on the card cannot be used to create the item directly. There IS a middleman. That middleman is the totem lathe.

**– THE TOTEM LATHE -**

This is essentially the key carving machine. It will carve into your cruxite dowel a pattern of grooves and contours, the sort which makes a key unique. The instructions for this pattern are supplied by the punch card, which is inserted into the lathe pre-activation to configure its chisels.

Once the dowel is carved, you have a totem serving as your “key”, which can then be used to “unlock” the card item through the a1chemi ter. But at this point, I will diverge from my key-making analogy and switch to a bar code analogy. Which is not a terribly strenuous leap to make, since the concepts of a key and a bar code are essentially the same –one being a unique pattern of grooves; the other, of varying black lines.

**– THE ALCHEMITER -**

If you place a cruxite dowel, carved or uncarved, on the alchemiter’s small pedestal, its robotic arm will scan the contours with a laser. Hence the bar code analogy. This is the machine’s way of reading the data originally imprinted from the card, and transforming that data into a physical object.

Though typically, this is not done without expense, I believe. An uncarved dowel results in the creation of a “perfectly generic object”, which is a seemingly useless green cube. It costs two units of build grist to make, and I do not advise you to waste resources on it. There appears to be many other varieties of grist, ostensibly used in combinations to create different sorts of items, which possibly offers some insight into the game’s use of the term “alchemy”.

But quite conveniently, there is an exception to this. Creating the item on the pre-punched card costs nothing. This is good, because creating this item turns out to be essential.

Now that you know this, you can in your own time begin the process. Once you initiate it, naturally there is no going back, so best to be prepared. But you probably shouldn’t drag your feet too long. As I mentioned earlier, this is your only means of escape.

When you’re ready, be prepared to follow the steps in the next section swiftly.

====================================================  
**[A100] So your cruxtruder is ticking. Do this to live.**  
====================================================


	7. Pumpkin Dots (and Dashes)

Going back to the [exploration of the house](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002153&t=Y2JkMDY0N2ZkZjllOThhMjgzODQyMTRhNWVkNjQzY2FlYTQ2MDRjYixrRDF1WlRKeA%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87645769258&m=0) and using trickster mode to look around (I wanted to see if dad’s hatrack had a scarf on it; it doesn’t), I discovered Moar Sekrit Stuph that John can’t get to in his human form:

That’d be a pumpkin and 024913 in Morse Code.

No idea what that means.

Plugging it into the end of the HS URL gets me to the [Gigapause: Commence](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D024913&t=YTBhYzJkMDUwOTRiOTVjYzMyZGJlOGM2OTRjMWY4NmFmNTk4YWVmNyxrRDF1WlRKeA%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87645769258&m=0) page.


	8. Typical Sprite Behavior

On the one hand: FAQ/walkthrough advice for Sburb beta. Cool. On the other: contains no info except what we already know. (Three devices + punch card, activating the cruxtruder triggers apoc-mode, etc.) Makes for nifty story-gimmick, except that I don’t for a moment buy it as an actual walkthrough.

Walkthroughs *never* contain only information relating to the parts of the game you’ve already encountered. There’s always some side note about “if you haven’t activated the mortflax extension, don’t bother; you can get back to that later” or “stop the sylmaker if it’s running” or “adjust settings on the alchemiter to 523 or less” (leaving you wondering wheredahell the alchemiter’s settings are and whether or not they were correct when you activated it). Or even, “the cruxite object could be an apple, a fish, or a coffee mug; reports vary.” (What, she never finds out what anyone else’s card contains?)

So [this page](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002172&t=YTY2ODZiZGIyYmNjYmQzNjJlYTZiOGJlOGM3MWM4MDk4ZTRmYWE2MyxzcGVEYWpBYQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87646838608&m=0) comes across as an obvious ploy, and snaps my disbelief-suspenders. :(

That said, it’s nicely entertaining and it’s fun to read the “Oh, DON’T do the thing that we’ve spent the last third of the story coping with the fallout from.” Then we cut back to [Rose watching the meteor shower](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002173&t=OTQ1ODM5OTkwNjhjNzU1NTZmNTg4MGUyM2NhOGIwNDZlMmZhZTY1MixzcGVEYWpBYQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87646838608&m=0) from her observatory window. “Meteor Shower,” here, is nowhere near as benign as the annual Leonids.

Rose checks the battery on her laptop, which is okay but low, and realizes that if the power doesn’t come on soon, she’ll need to try the generator out by the mausoleum. Because who doesn’t keep a generator outside, subject to rain (hail, meteor shower), next to their mausoleum?

She hurries to prototype the sprite, using materials available in John’s house. Apparently, the cake box from the kitchen is the best item available (or at least, the one she can reach most easily).

[John is dubious, but acquiesces](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002175&t=YTJmNThiYTIxZDdiMzRmYTgxNGFkODhiZThmNjE5NGM1MzM5NDg4NSxzcGVEYWpBYQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87646838608&m=0), agreeing that speed is probably more important than quality, and since they have no idea what this will do, the cake box may not be any more “wrong” than anything else they come up with.

However, her efforts are thwarted; the [sprite jumps around](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002176&t=NGI5MGMyNzNkYTQ2MDE4YWEyM2JhMWJiZDc2MGRiZDg3OGEwMGRmMSxzcGVEYWpBYQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87646838608&m=0) and avoids it. 

She is ordered by WV (since it’s all in caps)–to use the potted plant instead. She ignores that. Instead, she decides to use the Sassacre text.  
  
That’s what we need: a clown sprite programmed with a humor book. Maybe it’ll switch from fleur-de-lys language to fontdinerdotcom sparkly text, which is still weird, but at least readable. (Mostly readable. If it’s not pink on a blue speckly/paisly background like the Sassacre book cover.) John is very happy at this decision.

John flails (abjures, maybe?) to [distract the sprite](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002179&t=NzI0ZDYzYTNkMjNmMmRkZjJjOTFiYWUzNjgyYTRmMGZjNDc2MmRmYSxzcGVEYWpBYQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87646838608&m=0) so Rose can prototype it with the book. The sprite, however, continues to dodge, and the book falls to the floor, causing the whole house to shake.

Seems to me the sprite’s already been typed, proto or not. Sneaky little thing.

While it zips off into the living room, the shaking house manages to dump Nana’s ashes onto it, causing a burst of blue lines followed by a white screen.  


I guess it’s been prototyped.

WV insists that someone (John, presumably) figure out what’s going on. And he keeps calling Nana “Hag,” which is not going to endear him to John anytime soon. John, however, goes into the living room, discovers the overturned urn and a distinct lack of sprite, prototyped or not. Rose, in the meantime, attempts to remove the cruxtruder so John can get to the front door and get him the server copy of the game that’s in the car.

However, the [cruxtruder will take 100 grist to move ](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002183&t=ZGNmNGIxOGVkNTI3ZjllMzhkOTFiNTU0ODIwYTdiY2FkODE0ZGZiNSxzcGVEYWpBYQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87646838608&m=0). Since Rose is short of that total by, oh, 100 grist or so, they’ll have to find another way.

I hope it doesn’t involve razors. John’s track record with razors is not good. Nor with cakes.

Hm, he’s got another unwanted figurine in his sylladex. Maybe he could switch the order of the sylladex, merge the figurine with some kind of rope (maybe dad has some ties or a scarf?), set the order back to where it is now, go out on the ledge and face the house, and pick up something (erm, push something out on the ledge ahead of him with his feet? Some of the glass from his room, maybe? Perhaps the broom from the kitchen could be involved?), and pick up the item, thus chucking the figurine and attached rope (ties, scarf, whatever) into the car, and then he can grab the rope before it flutters away. He can then secure it around the plank and climb down relatively safely.

Wow, that sounded a lot less complicated in my head. I hope Rose has a better idea.


	9. Too much chat, not enough action

John gets distracted on the way up the stairs. Figures. He’ll take orders from Rose, or the narrator, or WV, but when two of them combine forces to give the same order, he [starts hearing voices](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002184&t=NzMxMDkzZTc4MGYzZDVmYTViMDRlZmMxYjE3MjE2MDdhMjMxM2JkNSxpNWRCRG5LRg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87651503898&m=0).

It seems the clown sprite has imprinted (“been prototyped”) with Nana’s image via her ashes, so we now have ghostly grandma sprite flickering around John and distracting him.  


WV insists that John ignore her. John, not sure he actually saw anything, heads upstairs; his PDA starts beeping at him (or dotsing at him, the visual equivalent); TG is [contacting him with apocalyptic poetry](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002187&t=Mzc4ZGYwMTU3ZGU3YzNkNWFlMmQ4M2FhN2MxN2YzMTg1OTY0ZjhiZixpNWRCRG5LRg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87651503898&m=0).

> TG: armageddon’s gettin waged on us  
>  TG: but im-a gettin armed and dangerous  
>  TG: sending men in space for savin us  
>  TG: see which playa’s more couragerous

TG has red text. (See, I’m paying attention.)  
  
John heads to the balcony; Rose contacts him. WV thinks Rose is more coherent than tG, which is reasonable, I suppose. But it’s not like John cares which of his friends Wordy Vexations (I mean, Wandering Vagabond) likes more.

Rose says she’s [going to lift up the car](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002189&t=ODA2MTRjMzg4YjBhNWMyMGIyM2I5NWE0NTg5NzJiNjRmZjY3YTU3YyxpNWRCRG5LRg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87651503898&m=0) and bring it to the balcony. I have strong doubts that this is going to work. She insists she will handle the car with “velvet gloves;” considering how she handled the bathtub, I think John should be a little more concerned.

Um. So, that went well.

The car sinks down [into the black-clouded abyss](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002191&t=NzZlNjQ0ZmQ4NDcwNDliMWJkN2UzZGViNGQ2MzM4OTVkZmExYTI0MCxpNWRCRG5LRg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87651503898&m=0), while WV makes irritated commentary.

John tries to be understanding–he’s a net-savvy kid and knows how hard it is to keep a good connection, especially when you’re low on battery. He checks the PDA to make sure she’s gone, and finds that gardenGnostic is pinging him.  


GG has green text. I notice this because WV asks about it.

GG asks if John got his package, and John says no, sorry; it was in the car when Rose accidentally dropped it into a spooky bottomless pit. GG is sympathetic. John mentions that he’s kinda maybe been transported somewhere, which kept his house from being destroyed by a meteor, and now he has to save the world from an apocalypse.

GG remains sympathetic and says it sounds exciting.

John tentatively agrees. But points out that he’s got a serious game problem going on, and he’ll need to convince TG to install it, ‘cos Rose doesn’t have battery power and John’s copy is now in the Black Rolling Cloud Void.

WV breaks in to approve of the green text and demand John talk to TG again.

John attempts to convince TG that Sburb would be more fun than rapping right now. TG admits that he lost his copy, but he could borrow his brother’s. John tells him to check out the walkthrough, and TG grumbles, because she’s more wordy than he likes.

Meanwhile, Rose has decided [she needs to get to the generator](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002195&t=MDhhMDM0NTQxYmJiNTVlYzFhNmU5YmM0MTBiOGIzMzdiMzY0OWY0NyxpNWRCRG5LRg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87651503898&m=0). It is suggested that she knit a rain protector for her laptop. She thinks that’s a ridiculous waste of time, since she already has one; she pulls it out of her knitting bag and wraps the laptop in it. (Cute purple laptop cozy with a black tentaclething with a heart in the center. Aw.) She also considers adding the grimoire to her strife specibus.

That, however, would probably be [Bad](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002197&t=MzcwZDQwNDU0NTdlMGMxY2NkMTQxNzE5Y2JmOTU2MGFiMzA5YzYwOCxpNWRCRG5LRg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87651503898&m=0).

Instead, she [recaptchalogues her inventory](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002198&t=YmEzOGIzNjQ0ODk0YzhjYWQ0ZTI5ZWQzNDZiNDVjMTRlMjc4OTZmZCxpNWRCRG5LRg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87651503898&m=0), making sure to apply them in the proper order for the Tree Modus to balance easily.

Then it’s suggested that she add the knitting needles to her specibus. But the needles are already captchalogued. Why would she need them specibified? WTF is a specibus anyway?  
  
I suppose I’ll be reminded on the next click. Or at least, reminded of whatever I know about it, which I vaguely recall is “not much.” (John has a hammer specibus? Maybe?)


	10. Tentacular Glory!

Rose attaches her [knitting needles to her strife specibus](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002199&t=NTc1YjJiYTUyZDBmODFmZDM1NzVmYmQ4MjNiNjUxOTNjY2E2YzQ5NSx0T3g0WTA0NQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87678556573&m=0), making her Needlekin(d).

However, since her knitting bag was her “root card,” the other cards in her “tree” fall down into her arms. Gotta be careful with that. Although I suppose items dropping out of the air into her arms is marginally less troublesome than John’s “ejected items go flying through the air, becoming a hazard to anyone nearby.”

She is instructed to make a plush Cthulhu, but decides that would be a waste of time, and also she has no idea what a Cthulhu is. But she consults the grimoire to consider what other strangie beasties she knows–[Fluthlhu](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002202&t=YzNhNGI5NDM5NzUyZTgwODZjYjA3OWE3NjA1NTE5YWY4YmVmMGNjMCx0T3g0WTA0NQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87678556573&m=0), a.k.a. Foul Patrician of Misery, has what looks like Eldritch Text beneath his picture, but it’s nowhere near that interesting:

(I mentioned I’d be doing transcription thingies with much of the picture-text, right?)

> fhsdjkfhdsfkjhsdfkjhsdkjhd  
>  jkfhdskjfsdkjn+sdkjvnkjsdnvksd  
>  jnksdsdhuhfwehfwerldslkf dslkj  
>  fsl…flsjdjfldsj flidsjflksdjf

Okay, that was four minutes of my life I’ll never get back. The Grimoire is apparently written in “Cat Walking On Keyboard” language.

Nrub'yiglith, Writhe-Lord of the Moist Beyondhood. (And other titles.) I’m copying these because I want screencaps of the weird ‘thulian monsters; I have written cthulhu-porn and I have a leatherbound Necronomicon, so this is funbits for me.

Oglogoth, the Deep One.

I like the pseudo-cthulhian lore. I’m hoping it’s background details instead of plot-relevant factoids so I don’t have to actually remember any of it. If it turns out to be necessary, I’ll be looking for these pages again. (I have done all the Eldritch Tentacled Monster memorization I need to; I can recite _Phn'glui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn_ from memory. I can also recite the _A Elbereth Gilthoniel_ poem, but that’s a different conlang.)

After Rose finishes perusing her book, she recaptchalogues her gear (with no tree modus sylladex shenanigans) and heads downstairs, where there apparently is, or will be, sound. I get out my headphones.

The sound is torrential rain, which is a quite soothing sound when you’re at the kitchen table drinking hot cocoa with mini-marshmallows, and much less soothing when you’re [walking on a narrow ledge](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002207&t=OTE5NjRhMmRhNzY5ZWQ4OGRiYTBmOTZlODQxN2Q5YzE3ZWNiMzdmMSx0T3g0WTA0NQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87678556573&m=0) and watching occasional meteor flashes in the not-very-distant sky.

I, however, am cozy in my little office, and I have tasty snacks and Brita-filtered water to drink, so I have been listening to the torrent that Rose despises while I write.


	11. Dave’s not here, man. (Except he is.)

Rose [heads to the hall](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002208&t=YzlkMTFmZjI5MmNhY2YxNWQ0Y2UzYjA3MWJhODg5ZTM2YjhjM2Q3YyxwVFBPNXFWYg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87703457068&m=0) where she is expecting to confront her mother but instead (before that?) we get a white screen saying OH PSYCHE and we see… A NEW CHARACTER!  


Is this tG? Someone else? He (or she, but maybe he?) has a record symbol on his chest (and I’d like to give a big thumbs-up to the rap industry that’s kept turntables alive so that’s still a recognizable icon), a record player (“turntable,” I suppose, is the modern term) with a stack of records underneath, and a picture of… ah… some musician-looking dude on his wall. Also, some katanas, or a katana-wakizashi pair, hanging on his wall.

He wears shades, so you know he’s cool. (He’s going to be “he” until/unless I get another gender. I’ve found it’s mostly guys who feel the need to wear sunglasses inside their houses to look cool.)

Aaaaand when I click on the link, sure enough, it tells me he is a “really cool dude.” [http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=002209](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002209&t=OWVlMTA0MWJjN2FiMjY2NjFjNzQyZGNmZjYyZGZkNjJkZjNlNGQ2NixwVFBPNXFWYg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87703457068&m=0) He’s chill. And he’s busy. Busy being sweet. Riiight. And we need to enter his name.  
  
The screen starts to fill with INSUFFERABLE PRI before he slashes the textbox with a katana, because he is *just* that cool.  


Y'know, I’m pretty sure I’m suppose to hate him. Or at least hold him in contempt for his ego. I’ve known a lot of guys like that. Some are fairly dim and incompetent and still manage to pull of the “I am uber-cool” look; others are, in fact, amazingly cool… and still egotistical pricks.

I like them. All of them. I find the incompetent dweebs cute (have to fight to keep from pinching their cheeks and giggling), and I enjoy the hyperskilled ego-driven ones, and I have techniques for keeping them talking so I don’t have to. So I’m looking forward to figuring out who this actually is.

He is… [DAVE STRIDER ](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002211&t=ZmVkMjAzYzZhM2IyYmUwMWM2ZjFiMTdmMGZkMmE0ZDYyZWQyOTRiMSxwVFBPNXFWYg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87703457068&m=0), and his sunglasses sparkle with mysterious galaxies. Or something like that.  


His room is the room pretty much every teenage boy wishes they had, or wishes theirs looked like even if they don’t like his things. It has swords. Cool gangsta-looking posters. The entertainment system of dooom, with wires going between a computer, superstereo, synthesizer or sound board, maybe some game consoles. He has cinderblock furniture because he can’t be bothered with Ikea gear, yo. There’s a wire across the ceiling with things hanging on tags. (Reading the text indicates they may be photos, ‘cos he has a darkroom, 'cos he’s cool like that.) And there’s a fan, because it’s a hot day in April.

Already I want to pinch his cheeks.


	12. The problem with Loner Ninja characters

Dave declines to fetch his arms from the cinderblock. Dave is too cool for arms.

Dave ignores the exhortations to start up Sburb to save his friend’s life, because he is not sure how a video game could affect someone’s actual life (tbh, neither am I); he contemplates his copies of the beta & server edition of SBURB, which he has clearly and firmly labeled with his name, to keep his brother away from them.  


I am reminded of the Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle story with the kid with the labels - DICK’S APPLE DON’T TOUCH; DICK’S LUNCHBOX DON’T TOUCH.

I’m pretty sure that’s not the reaction I was supposed to have.  
  
The narrator, or unseen instruction voice, tells Dick Dave to [bleat like a goat and piss on his turntable](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002215&t=MjVjMDc5NTA4ODc0NGRlNjc5MjMwM2Y3NjAyNGQ5ZjcwYmQ0ODlhZCxxTm15cWs4Rg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87801442323&m=0). Somehow, even before clicking, I’m pretty sure this isn’t going to happen. (And that, by the way, is why game designers don’t allow random player input.)

Dave notes that no way in hell, or any other paranormal dimension, is any caustic liquid reaching his turntables.

He will, however, [consider bleating like a goat](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002216&t=OWY3YzFhNjQwODBkMjgxOGU5OTVhMWQ2YTI1YjIyMGI0ODRkN2JmYSxxTm15cWs4Rg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87801442323&m=0). For ironic humor purposes. Later.  
  
He checks out his closet, further killing time while John’s house is balanced on top of a pillar over a meteor wasteland. His closet contains a blue box and a bottle of something-or-other.  


The [box was a birthday present from John](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002218&t=MGFkMmQ5ODM0YWEzMWY5ZjU5ZjQ2NmNlODI2NjllY2U1NzM1MzY5NyxxTm15cWs4Rg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87801442323&m=0) (Dave’s 13th was a while ago; he’s older. Natch.) It has a note verifying the authenticity of Dave’s shades, which apparently previously belonged to Ben Stiller. At least, I assume that’s the situation. The text mentions an “accessory,” which Dave is now wearing, and a photo of Ben Stiller.

I assume he’s not wearing Ben Stiller’s t-shirt.

Dave captchalogues the box in his HASH MAP FETCH MODUS. He uses a cool, uber-geeky sylladex. It winds up in slot 6 of 10, which are numbered 0-9, so slot #5. The hash map assigns a value to the name of the item, based on how many consonents and vowels it has, then dividing the total by the number of cards.  


I am looking forward to wild numerical shenanigans here.

SUNGLASSES (2+1+2+2+2+1+2+2+1+2=17) would wind up in slot, erm, 1.7 (so, 2?) while SHADES (2+2+1+2+1+2=10) would wind up in slot, erm, 1? or 0? (Can anything wind up in slot 0? Is that reserved for items with punctuation or numbers in their names? Would an album by the artist formerly known as Prince belong in slot 0?)

Yeah, I can see that part’s going to be fun.

Dave, unconcerned with the amount of time it takes me to count up vowels and consonants in his accessories, [checks out the bottle of yellow unknown whatever](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002220&t=NGY1ZmUyODhmMDc4ZGRjMTU0NzhjMTYyN2JlMDY5NTIyNjZhMTA3YSxxTm15cWs4Rg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87801442323&m=0) in his closet.

It’s… APPLE JUICE.  


This is apparently an AMAZING DISCOVERY, and Dave is compelled to take it and talk to John right away. [Juice (2+1+1+2+1) falls into slot 7](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002221&t=YjUwMjViZDVkNDg5MGY4MjQ1NzA2MDU2YzQyZTdjOWMzZDJiNTgzNixxTm15cWs4Rg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87801442323&m=0), and Dave gets ready to pester John about it. And since he’s going to talk to him, he might as well figure out how to wish him a happy birthday without sounding cliche’d or ordinary, and hey, since it’s his birthday, let him talk about that game he’s been all hyped about.

Yeah. Dave is cool like that. John will be so thrilled to have a considerate friend like Dave.


	13. More About Dave

Dave’s IMPORTANT. It’s okay to spend several posts on him while John is stuck in his house with a black goo-creating monster and Rose is fighting meteor storms to get to her generator.

Dave’s computer desktop would probably look much cooler to me if it didn’t strongly resemble the graffiti I see on the way to work every day. (Not that I disapprove of citizen-created public artwork. Even spray-painted, unauthorized, probably-gang-message citizen-created public artwork. It’s just, it’s an art style I don’t find “edgy” or “intriguing” as much as “sloppy” and “very very common.”) And Dave’s desktop ranges from blue to light blue, with bits of black lines for accent. I have aversions to blue on computer screens, even artistic swirly blue.  


Dave’s desktop (in the back of my head, there is ENDLESS chanting: _dick’s apple don’t touch; dick’s sandwich don’t touch; dick’s jacket don’t touch_ ) is more minimalistic than his friends’. He’s got Pesterchum (with John/eB, Rose/tT, and the not-yet-pictured gardenGnostic), a browser named Hephaestus (with FLAMES around a black head. Because flames are awesome, and you know Dave’s an Awesome kind of Dude), and two folders and a… thing.

The folders are “Ill Beats,” which presumably means “good music,” and “Dope Rhymes, so Dope,” which presmuably means “my rap stuff.”

At this point, I am reminded of one of my favorite scenes from DC comics:  
  
At one point, in Impulse’s series, Bart wound up visiting Gotham and meeting the Joker.  


Dope does not rhyme.

Also on Dave’s Desktop ( _dave’s desktop don’t touch dave’s keyboard don’t touch_ ) is a thing called “Complete Bullshit” which has a shocky or sad face and waving arms, so it’s not a normal folder. That, or Dave’s arranged a special icon for that folder.

Anyway. [Dave is pestering John ](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002224&t=ZmE5OGE1NzhlNzlmMzlmNzRkZDdlZmI5YjY0ODAyZTY5ZmMxNGE0YSxRZkFyeUhxcA%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87966601328&m=0) about what loot he got for his birthday. They have a moment of bonding over a mutual coincidence of apple juice. Dave wants to know if John got his beta game yet, and suggests he check his mailbox. John agrees to do so, neatly bypassing the mention that his house is currently located on a stone pillar over a black-roiling-clouds abyss, and as such, if the mail isn’t already there, it’s not likely to be delivered. (IIRC, maybe Dad grabbed the mail already.)

Dave, no longer interested in John’s tribulations (which he hasn’t directly acknowledged as existing), heads online to note his review of GameBro magazine. The Hephaestus browser is black and red, as befits its name, and when it’s not on a site it shows a faint demonic logo that I’m sure is supposed to be uber-cool.  


I mentioned there’d be a lot of transcription, right? I like searchable text.  


[review of gamebro’s march issue](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002225&t=ZTBiYzk5NzAzMzhjZTYyNDE3OTcwODc1NzJhYjRiMDM5NWE2N2I5NyxRZkFyeUhxcA%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87966601328&m=0) \- March 13, 2009

> oh man
> 
> when this heady volume of unabridged awesome hit my doorstep it made a sort of thunderclap, like the kind im sure moses heard when god dropped stone tablets containing a review of a game involving the ambiguous marriage of insane stunts and extreme hunger management solutions for dudes on the go. it’s like you see that little bag of chips there? you just grab it and go bro, and keep thrashing shit up.
> 
> i am so *hella pumped of* this. there are some obvious questions. like just HOW outrageous are these snacks? will popular beverages play a role, and how critical will they be in your quest to attain absolute sweetness? Will this game land th ecoveted but elusive 5 hats out of 5 hats?

He is apparently reviewing the issue about “Grand Snack Fuckyeah.”

(Hmmm. And suddenly, a friend’s online moniker of “sweetbro” makes more sense.)

Having assured himself that his writing skills are at the pinacle of possibility, he heads over to his webcomic, [Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2Fsweetbroandhellajeff%2F&t=NGU2NTYyYWI1YmFhOWU4OTljODMzN2RkMDNkZGJhZWEwOGE3NWZiZixRZkFyeUhxcA%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87966601328&m=0). 

I would really like to believe that it’s supposed to be a bad ironic parody of a webcomic. Unfortunately, I have no trouble believing that if it were a “real” webcomic, updated twice a week, it’d have thousands of followers.

Dave is moving from Stark-like to Tosh-like. Hopefully, this won’t continue, because Tosh is one of the tiny handful of tv shows I won’t watch, as in, I will get up and leave the room if it’s playing. I know Dave is a fan favorite, so maybe the little flashes of juvenile, sexist, violent bro-posturing won’t continue, or will change in tone, or something like that. (Given the friends I have who are into Homestuck, it seems likely that the Hella Jeff comic is an anomaly rather than a strong indication of Dave’s continuing personality.)

 ~~Hussie~~ Dave ~~goes for some blatant advertising~~ decides to [check out Midnight Crew](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002227&t=OWIzMzI2N2Y3M2E4YmFlMjcxYWFmYzJlMWI4ZDNhMWYzMzMyZmY0MSxRZkFyeUhxcA%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87966601328&m=0). I’ve seen that pic before, but there’s a link this time, to more of the story. But it’s late, I’m tired, and I have ebooks to make. The midnight crew, their dice and knives and cards, will have to wait. (We are apparently [watching them from the Club Door](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002228&t=YTJkOTFmNDM3ZmM5MGFhNzAzYzAwY2NmYzBlZTgzM2JjY2Q1Njk2ZSxRZkFyeUhxcA%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F87966601328&m=0).)

OMG, that’s a horrible pun. Did I notice that last time? I remember noticing the suits on the doors; I’m not sure if I made exactly that mental twist. Definitely time to put HS away for the night and get back to real work.


	14. Too Dark To Be Motley

Dave is reading about the Midnight Crew. Chibipaw is very fond of the Midnight Crew, and hums fragments of their theme song all the time. (Or that popular song about them. Whatever.) Chibipaw acquired a double-midnight dragon so it could be midnight-crew-ish, and I gave her a Sickle Kamaitachi for it because she said it should have a “stabby familiar.” I do not think of this as spoilery; they [look like a pretty stabby bunch](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fgame%3Dsave%26s%3D6%26p%3D002228&t=YjdiNWUzMTY5NGIxNzNhOWQ1ODk2OTFjNzE2OTdlM2E2OWVlZGMzOCxLNGxzOGJzdw%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F88054841258&m=0) to me.

They are contemplating their nefarious and complex plans, and it is suggested that they use Occam’s Razor on the plans.

(Pause in the HS viewering to uninstall Greener Web adware add-on, which I have no idea where I acquired, but it needs to be gone. Apparently it’s malware season.)

Spades Slick uses a conceptual device to put a hole in their plans, allowing the plans to be removed from the table, where the knife (half a knife) is still pinning a small portion of them. I suppose that’s the part Occam’s razor couldn’t explain away; they’ll need to be extra-careful around that part of the plans.  


Spades Slick is apparently the short guy in the right-front corner. He has lapels. The two big guys in back don’t have lapels, but the Penguin Dude on the left does.

Occam’s Razor looks suspiciously like a scalpel, or an Exacto knife.

I consider the possibility that they are not using the real Occam’s razor at all, but an exacto knife formerly owned by some dude named Occam.  
  
After the knife antics (and good thing this is Dave watching, ‘cos I wouldn’t want John to get any ideas; Dave looks like he might be competent to handle a razor without adult supervision), SS will climb the ladder and exit the hideout so he can implement some nefarious plots. Of course, he will be implementing them with a rather large PLOT HOLE left by Occam’s razor.

SS heads up, pushes at the manhole cover above, but discovers there’s a van parked on top of it. SS is filled with rage. Dave, not having any overwhelming interest in the details of SS’s rage, skips ahead a hundred pages or so.

The Crew are whacking each other off.  


That, um, sounded considerably more tame in my head.

Dave saves his place (hmm, so Dave is into canes and sticks? at least when they’re directed at other people?) and [checks pesterchum](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002233&t=ZWY3ODBhNWFhZjI5ZDg5MjYyYTFiZThjNTNkMmNjZDUxMmY2N2YzMyxLNGxzOGJzdw%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F88054841258&m=0).

TT points out to him that declining a lady’s overtures is not what good little heterosexual teenagers do. Dave insists he’s just busy. They discuss Dave’s overwhelming fame (he has a blog, you know) and mentions, in passing:

> if you ever find yourself in the position where your life depends on me playing that piece of shit game, then ill play

So yeah. FORESHADOWING. In the flashback. Clever.


	15. JOHN’S IN DANGER… so let’s talk about Dave.

Enough Dave flashbacks. Back to John. What’s John doing?

John is [standing on his balcony](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002234&t=NGI3N2MwM2NhNWVjNDU4ZjZjYzk2ZDU2MGM4OWQ2YTIzZjU1ZTI3YixWc1l1a0NUZA%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F88103209068&m=0), staring out in to the vast empty void, when he hears a bumping sound from the door.  


Beneath the door is a black fluid, similar in appearance to the oily substance under his bed and in the kitchen. Only, it’s growing. John investigates.

The hall is spattered with black goo, trailing back to his room. This is a disturbing development, hinting at some level of danger, doubly so because John has not been cleaning auto engines nor painting gothic landscapes recently. There is, in fact, nothing which has been introduced to us in this story which leads to an innocuous explanation for black goo spattered around on the floor and lower walls.

So what happens when John discovers this troublesome and possibly frightening mystery?

Dave plays some music.  
  
Specifically, Dave plays “hauntingly sick beats.” I suppose this is where I mention that I am not fond of the word “sick” meaning “cool, awesome, grooovy, good,” in the modern hipster vernacular.

Dave, however, being a hipster kinda guy, loves that kind of thing. And he approaches his sampler and prepares to get “[sicknasty](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002237&t=ODFhMDc4ZmUyYjI3ZDcwMTUzNjY3ZmQwNzYxZGJkZjE1YmE3ZDdiZCxWc1l1a0NUZA%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F88103209068&m=0)," by which we are presumed to infer that he will rock on and/or out, not that there will be kinky sexual acts of the kind that mainstream television isn’t even allowed to name.

I assume this because there is sound in the next page, so I will put on my headphones, despite the fact that what I’ve seen of Dave’s musical interests indicates his tastes may not be mine. (He really doesn’t look like an "acoustic guitar and baritone voice” kinda guy, neither in the production nor consumption range.)

I’m hoping I’ll enjoy this as much as I’ve liked the previous “haunting” tunes.  


Hmm. Maybe I shouldn’t be using my cellphone’s wifi hotspot to get around the fact that both kids are doing online gaming so my online gaming is not loading properly. Or maybe I shouldn’t be trying to do Herebemonsters, Flight Rising coliseum, gmail, gdocs, and HS all at the same time. (Look, if I weren’t supposed to have 37 tabs open, Firefox would have a limit on them, right?)

Okay, [Dave’s sound machine](https://www.homestuck.com/story/338) has finally loaded.

After some poking at the buttons, I found a combo I like:  


Very nice. Could listen to that for hours. Not gonna, because I’m gonna click to find out what happens after Dave takes a sip of his apple juice, “despite what John said.”

John was worried about some kind of Flight Club-esque prank involving replacing juice with unpleasant bodily fluids. That’s not what I’d be worried about if I found a bottle of apple juice in my closet that I’d forgotten about. At least, not if my memory were coherent enough, as Dave’s presumably is, to allow me to find a sweater I wore last week, or remember the name of a song I heard a month ago. Apple juice, even in today’s pasteurization and long-term storage society, is not a forever food. But Dave’s going to have some anyway, so I’m going to find out what happens next.

What happens next: [Sylladex antics](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002239&t=MDkxZmM0OTEyYzQ4ZDEyNzVlYTRlNmMwZGY4ODZkMDRmYTg2NjM0ZixWc1l1a0NUZA%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F88103209068&m=0). JUICE was in slot 7; Dave gets ready to take a swig and return it to slot 7. Or maybe he wants a SWIG (2+2+1+2) because that’s the only way to get it out of slot 7 and remove the cap. Anyway, the important thing is, Dave is holding the bottle and the cap has been removed, so he is ready to drink.

However… he can’t do it. Egbert got into his head and convinced him that the juice might, in fact, be monster pee in disguise.  


  
He replaces the juice in slot 7 (erm, without replacing the cap? No, the cap’s on the juice in his sylladex, but it’s *also* still on the floor. Huh. Maybe it had a protective liner inside the cap and that’s what’s now on his floor.)

Dave is now ready to set up his strife specibus. Unlike John, who grabbed the first vaguely combat-worthy device he could find, or Rose, whose nonviolent hobbies include a set of repurposable steel spikes, Dave will put a WEAPON in his strife specibus. Dave is going to be Swordkin(d).

No, that’s wrong. Dave’s specibus is already set for BLADEKIND.

This makes some usernames make a bit more sense. I suppose as time goes on, more and more of the usernames that follow me will be revealed as having specific HS-y connotations.

Dave will need to captchalogue his sword into his strife deck (is that different from the sylladex? maybe?) before he can actually use it, though. So that’s next on the agenda.

Dave, not being multilingual enough to have a KATANA (2+1+2+1+2+1=9), has a NINJA SWORD, which captchalogues to 7, which throws the juice out of his sylladex (turns out the strife deck & normal sylladex are, in fact, the same thing), and apple juice gets splashed all over his turntable… and copies of the SBURB Beta.

MORE FORESHADOWING IN THE FLASHBACK. COOL.

That’s what you get for not putting the cap on when you captchalogue juice. Dave is, perhaps, a little to suave and carefree for his own good.

Dave goes to fetch something to clean up the mess. Like a towel. (2+1+2+1+2=8; that should be okay.)

This involves an Adventure Through Dave’s House, probably similar in tone to the explorations of John’s and Rose’s houses. It begins with [a trip to the hallway](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002244&t=YzFlMzdmOGQyYzE0Y2FjOWMzMGIyYTMyYzZmMDUyM2U3OTVjM2Q3MCxWc1l1a0NUZA%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F88103209068&m=0), in which Dave notes that his brother has awesome puppets. I am less enthralled by puppets than either Dave or his BRO, but that is indeed a very fine puppet to have hanging on a doorway in the hall.

In the bathroom, Dave finds a damp towel on the floor, rather than in a hamper or hanging up to dry. Dave’s house is inhabited by slobs. Slobs, by the way, who hang puppets in the shower.  


  
However, the damp towel causes a [sylladexy problem](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002246&t=NmFlOGZiZDQ5MDdkZTY4Y2QxNmJjY2M1ZTdjODg1OWM4ZDQ1ZDRhMCxWc1l1a0NUZA%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F88103209068&m=0). TOWEL, as I mentioned, should be fine… but a DAMP TOWEL has a total of 15, which forces the box out of his sylladex and smacks him on the head.

Dave considers finding something less damp, but instead just wrings it out into the toilet, turning it into a TOWEL instead of a DAMP TOWEL, and inspiring a serious WTF moment on the part of this reader, because if you can wring drops of water out of a bit of cloth, especially one as absorbent as the average US bathroom towel, it is no longer “damp” and has, in fact, moved into “wet” territory. It is, perhaps, even “dripping” or “sopping.”

Ah, this would be why guys often think lube is not necessary… they think “damp” means “so much excess liquid that a twist of the fabric will make it spill over my hands.”

Warning to male readers: “damp panties” do not indicate unbridled, edge-of-orgasm lust, nor enough liquid that no further foreplay is indicated. Dave is not a good linguistic role model.

He is, however, not too much of a slob (or he just likes to keep track of his stuff) so he recaptchalogues the box and the towel, and goes to clean up the juice.

This involves truly bizarre sylladex antics, in which the towel shifts to slot 8 so it can CLEAN (2+2+1+1+2); when done, he [hangs the beta envelopes on the line](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002249&t=NWMzYTJlMWJhNzg0OGYzMjEyYjI3OTUwOTU3YzEyYTRlOGM1N2U0MCxWc1l1a0NUZA%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F88103209068&m=0) to dry out. 

This is where I point out that, if this game is not being distributed on 5" floppy discs (at least one of my readers has to remember what those are, right?), he’d be better off removing the contents of the envelopes; the discs themselves are probably just fine, and certainly won’t be better if apple juice is allowed to dry on them and cause them to stick to the envelopes.

If the game _is_ being distributed on 5" floppies, we need to talk to the developers, because they have figured out how to inflict TARDIS-style storage on a digital medium, and we want their secrets distributed on GitHub before the NSA takes over shuts them down.


	16. Rook Attack!

The beta copies of SBURB [dangle in the breeze ](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002250&t=ODYxZTAxNWYyNjE4NTIwZWRiOTM2NDY3MTQwYmVjZDNkYWRhNGYxMyxkbm81NWR6Qg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F88140572248&m=0), shifting with the winds from the fan. Dave realizes this is somewhat precarious, considering they’re near a window, and turns off the fan to keep from losing them.

Then he decides to pester John again, find out if John has the game yet (he doesn’t) and discuss sylladices. (Bwahaha; I was refering to them as “sylladices” at home weeks ago.) Dave doesn’t believe John could possibly be as smooth with his sylladex, and even considering the box-in-the-head incident and the juice all over the keyboard, he’s right.

Dave’s floor, after all, is not littered with broken glass from his misplaced sylladex antics.

Suddenly… ROOK ATTACK!  


Dave, a master of the Bladekind specibus, uses the STOP (2+2+1+2=7) command to [throw the NINJA SWORD at the bird](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002254&t=YWJiYWNjMWVmNjBlNTVmNGU4ZDI0MGRhMzE3NGJhMzU4NWNhZWVlMCxkbm81NWR6Qg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F88140572248&m=0).

Those of us who played [Glitch](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fglitchthegame.com&t=ODI1MDQyOWM3MGY2YTYyOWZjZTc5NjRmOTViNTc5NDQzNzhiMDhhMCxkbm81NWR6Qg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F88140572248&m=0) know that you don’t stop a [Rook Attack](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Ffarm7.staticflickr.com%2F6004%2F6199316216_b9ea7b4594_b.jpg&t=YzJjYjEzNDg0YjUyMTFlYjg1OWU0NzNmM2U4MGFhNmM5NzE2Yzk3Yixkbm81NWR6Qg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F88140572248&m=0) with ninja swords; you need [Martial Imagination](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.glitchthegame.com%2Fskills%2Fintellectual%2Fmartial-imagination%2F&t=MzgyYmEzZTdiY2YzYjM2MWIxYWQzNjA2ZmU1NGEyMzE0NDhlMDcwZixkbm81NWR6Qg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F88140572248&m=0), which you can only learn after serious meditation skills are acquired. Dave is not a meditatin’ kind of guy, and the [sword pierces the crow and continues out the window](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002255&t=YWUyYjM4NDc3YTc4NDdmYmZmYTdjNGEzYTE3OGQ1YWVkMGNhYjcyZCxkbm81NWR6Qg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F88140572248&m=0), sending the beta with it.

Oops.

Dave looks out his window and confirms that nope, not getting those back, ever.

AND THEN - OH SNAP – flash to Zazzerpan the Learned.

Back in Rose’s house, and the storm, and the future (years but not many?). Rose is about to face off against a [20ft statue of a wizard](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002258&t=OGI3NzNiODM5YmEyNjhjMDY2ZDAzNDhhY2E1OGYxNzk4OWEyMjg5OCxkbm81NWR6Qg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F88140572248&m=0) that her mother installed in the living room.  


Rose contemplates Zazzerpan and obviously needs a new thesaurus. Her old one is obviously worn to shreds from flipping through it too much.

I think I’m gonna call it a day. Night. Whatever. Between the sword-carrying crow (it carried that sword all the way down to the sidewalk) and the wizard with the granite balls (well, one granite ball), I need a break.

(Hey [chibipaw](http://tmblr.co/mvVCndqmAwO46yWyAACOLrQ) \- you didn’t tell me HS had a rook attack. I’d’ve started this a year ago if I’d known. HS is my new favorite Glitch crossover story.)


	17. Rose House Walkthrough

Rose [hates Zazzerpan](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002259&t=N2E2ZGM1OWY0NmZhYmFjYjJhNDE4NWUzNmVkY2E0NGU2Yzg2Nzc3OCxYcEFMa0l2bw%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F88180359703&m=0) (and wizards in general) the same way that John hates harlequins. She ponders her mother’s love for them, and decides that her mother doesn’t actually have any real affinity for them–she only collects them and displays them to bother Rose.  


She goes downstairs toward the kitchen back door, which requires [traversing through the living room](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002261&t=OWJiN2ZmMzBkODc2NTY5ZjUzNWU3MzFlNWNlM2MxZGFjOTdjMzc0NCxYcEFMa0l2bw%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F88180359703&m=0) in which there are, at a minimum, 10 wizard statues, of which Zazzerpan is the largest. There is also some kind of purple-squid-head person wearing a princess dress on the couch.

She’s hoping to avoid going out the front door and walking around the house in the pouring rain (and meteor storm), and instead, slipping out through the kitchen.  
  
Rose contemplates her contribution to the house decor: a solid bronze statue of a vacuum cleaner. Rose didn’t give her mom a solid bronze vacuum cleaner - she gave her a vacuum cleaner, for Mother’s Day, as a kind of irony; she even accessorized it with a drink holder so Mom Lalonde could drink while vacuuming.

Mom Lalonde decided to show her appreciation by having it bronzed. It is, fascinatingly enough, functional somehow, but it is never used for cleaning.  
Rose is apparently a bit of a bitch. Doesn’t matter how lousy a mom is, you don’t give her cleaning supplies as a Mother’s Day gift. Not even cleaning supplies with useful (or ironic) accessories.

Rose goes to grab the Eldritch Princess, but it’s too big to captchalogue. In the family tradition of spiteful gifts, Rose’s mom got her this for her birthday; Rose enhanced it with the knitted squidhead & tentacle arms.  


However, since she’s here, she grabs the umbrella from the couch. It captcha’s under the violin. She notes that it’ll be trouble to get it out of there, but she’ll deal with that problem later.

She peeks into the kitchen to see if the coast is clear.

There are several liquor bottles (and two more wizard statues and a painting) visible, indicating a nearby mom-presence. The fridge displays a picture of Jaspers, Rose’s deceased cat, which her mom placed in a $1500 frame and had welded to the door.

The magnet letters are used to leave messages, or rather insults. Currently, Rose has set them to say “shrevv” (because no w is available.) Unused letters are: 

  * orange letters: buguz (or maybe that’s an N on its side)
  * blue: vEcsx
  * green: oayl
  * yellow: rtkd
  * red: qendh



The q might be a second b upside down. Fridge magnet letters work like that. Possible words from the remaining letters include

  * vacuous
  * suable
  * aborted
  * butcher
  * vulgar
  * unrelated



Someone else can play with the [possibilities](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.litscape.com%2Fword_tools%2Fcontains_only.php&t=OWE5ZDNjODdlNWI1NjU3YzI0MTY2ZGNmN2JlNGQzN2IyMWI2YTg2MixYcEFMa0l2bw%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F88180359703&m=0) and sort out phrases.  
  
The fridge letters are a source of [continuing bitchy drama](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002273&t=MzJmNjlhNDc3MDllNzNlNTA4YzUxNThmNDFlNTFjMTg4OGMzZjEwNyxYcEFMa0l2bw%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F88180359703&m=0) between Rose and her mother.

Rose is still capable of a moment of whimsy; she grabs one of the W’s and uses it as a fake moustache.

Noting the humorous possibilities without being sure exactly what they are, she captchalogues it. It winds up next to the umbrella, off the violin like the umbrella.

Then she captchalogues the purple velvet pillow (which is part of the ongoing fridge letter drama) with the intent of embroidering a poem on it to shame her mother. Rose will presumably do this in her copious free time after getting the generator to power her laptop and save John from the black-goo-creator that’s wandering his house.

VELVET PILLOW also goes under the violin, and now one side of her tree has 4 items and the other has only 1, so we are expecting an AUTO-BALANCE action.  


–>

Aaaand now the umbrella is the center (trunk? no, root) of the tree. IIRC, that means when she grabs the umbrella, everything else will fall to the ground, and this will be something like problematic.

She heads for the back door, but is confounded by a [familiar silhouette](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002276&t=ODFhOGMzODY2MjZmMWZlNjVmZTQwMWY1MzllNzQzOTViYjg5NmRiMyxYcEFMa0l2bw%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F88180359703&m=0): Mom, holding a martini glass in one hand and pushing what seems to be a swiffer in the other, is in the kitchen. (There is also a bucket on the floor, so maybe that’s an actual sponge mop, not a swiffer.)

Rose notes that the bucket doesn’t contain any water, so this must be mom doing her “Ironic Housewife” gig, in the middle of a power outage.

Rose is fast and sneaky, hopping to and rolling over the counter when Mom’s not facing her direction. She lands in the living room, in the midst of a swarm of wizard statues.  


Aaaand it’s apparently time for another flashback (presumably to Dave, who thinks this story is about him), so I’m off to do my own ironic housewife chores and laptop power checks.


	18. Less Boring Than Watching Paint Dry

Back to Dave. Dave is [patching his window with gaffer tape](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002281&t=Yjk5Y2FkOGIzYWU0MjUyMDI3ZmE1OTkwODFlNGY2ZmUxNTVjYTBmOSxsM2p4ZmJpWg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F88350199663&m=0). This will likely be very effective to prevent rook attacks/windows crashing in the future, but doesn’t do anything to get his software back. And instead of doing something useful, like going outside to see if the software is salvageable (what, was it actually on 5" floppies and falling out of a window would destroy it?), Dave’s going to answer his Pesterchum.

Dave is chatting with gardenGnostic. This is interesting, being a flashback to offscreen activity from earlier in the story.

They discuss sylladexes, and Hussie neatly sidesteps revealing gG’s modus by saying that Dave gets a headache whenever he talks about it with gG, thus implying that gG’s modus is even more convoluted and weird than the three systems we’ve seen so far.

They discuss birthday presents for John. GG gets all cryptic about it. They chat more, and gG signs off with a less-than-three.

(GG is green text. I can remember that. TG is red. I’ll probably only remember that by elimination.) 

Dave goes to get his phone (card 8) so he can text message (also card 8; convenient, that) people at will. Also, so he doesn’t have to go back to his computer to do the pesterchum thing.

In the words of the famous Mr. Holmes: BOOORRRING.

This is the point where, if Chibipaw weren’t pushing me, I’d give up on the story. AGAIN. Despite the meteor storm and giant stone spike and desert wasteland with underground control center.

Dave? Is not growing on me. I thought he was a foul-mouthed jerk when he was just text on in a chatroom, and I think he’s an egotistical twit now. A cool egotistical twit, as these things go. The 13-year-old who can wield a katana and manage a soundboard is indeed talented… for a 13-year-old. 

I was not interested in 13-year-old boys when I was a 13-year-old girl, and they have not become more fascinating as I have aged.

I am not interested in The Antics Of Dave; I am interested in trolls and bulges, post-apoc teleporting sprites, and cthulhoid beasties. I am not interested in “sicknasty” tunes, nor ninja swords (dude, just call it a katana already), nor Dave’s amazing amateur photography skills, which I have not yet seen but am dreading a dozen panels of, at some point when I’d rather be reading about Rose’s seriousy dysfunctional relationship with her mother.

Not looking forward to puppets, either.

Okay. Rant over, I think. Off to find out what Dave does with his phone.

AH YES - I remembered there was a card-8 thing, but didn’t remember what. It was the CLEAN towel, which [flies out of the ‘dex and lands on Dave’s head](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002284&t=M2E4MmQyMTBmNzI4MDZmZGM3ZjUwYTNhOTZhMTRhNGU1NzMxYWRjYSxsM2p4ZmJpWg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F88350199663&m=0).  


  
Fortunately, that’s enough of Dave for now. [Back to John’s room](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002285&t=YTE3OTA0YWY3ZmFiNTVkZWQ4N2MwODNhMmQ3MjBmZjhlNDBiMTNhOCxsM2p4ZmJpWg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F88350199663&m=0) with the black goo everywhere and blinky pesterchum notices.  
  
IT’S DAVE. Dave from now, not Dave from the past. Dave is looking for his brother’s copy of SBURB, because he failed to rescue his copy from the apple juice or the bird..

They discuss the monster in John’s house. Dave agrees there’s probably a monster. Or Dave agrees to posit the existence of a monster, on the theory that only stupid parents in horror movies ever insist that the monsters are all in your head.

Dave suggests John weaponize his sylladex. John mumbles something about data structures.

There is babble about ventriloquism and rapping but my eyes are glazing over too much to notice the details.

John decides that [monsters aren’t real](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002287&t=MjQxMTgyNjQ1ZDJlZTBkMzgxNDI2MTFlN2QxNTQ5YzNjMTgxN2E2NyxsM2p4ZmJpWg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F88350199663&m=0) and goes to read his data structure book.  


Aww, it’s Nibbler. Or maybe Nibbler’s cousin. 

Maybe it’s a troll. No, trolls have greyfaces. Maybe it’s a troll that’s come down with a cold?

Next up is something with sound, so I’m waiting until I’m not in the middle of ebook work (which causes Windows to throw all sorts of annoying beeps at me as I open & close programs) to continue.


	19. It Puts The Bunny In The Box Or Else It Gets The Hose Again

‘Bout damn time, I can hear you say. Or think, since maybe you don’t talk to computer screens any more than I do. Anyway, I’ve finally arranged some time where the room will be quiet enough for me to enjoy some homestucky sounds, and since I have overdue work for two jobs and I’ve gotten three hours of sleep in the last thirty-six, now is an *excellent* time for me to make a liveblog post.

Chibipaw tells me it would be perfectly acceptable to make a post in the loopy mood I was in this afternoon before I tried to nap (I failed, but I at least got partially through rereading a much-loved very convoluted Bruce/Lex/Clark/Tim/etc fanfic.) I thought about that, and if I hadn’t been quite so tired, I might’ve entertained you all with comments like “I see a BLUE thing. I will click on the BLUE thing. IT FLASHES!! I WILL CLICK IT AGAIN!! OMG IT IS _STILL BLUE_!!!!” Because that’s about how much coherence I had.

Fortunately, when I’m that rattled, complex actions like “switch tabs between typing and watching” are kinda beyond me, so you don’t get that kind of post. You get this kind instead, where I am watching [Rose about to roll out of her front door](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002288&t=OGJlNzJiYTEzZjQ1YzdjN2IwZDQ5MmUxNzgwYmY5NWYwOTlmZjBhMiw5dG5aTzN5VQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F88832647638&m=0), presumably to escape her mother.

Oh neat. Another combat-with-the-parent thing like John’s interaction with Dad and the birthday cake. Except that one made some kind of sense–Dad wanted John to have some cake, and John wanted a distinct lack of “more cake” in his life. In this, Rose wants to go outside, and Mom Lalonde is blocking her because… ummm….

Oh yeah. It’s raining meteors outside. Any sensible parent would tell their kid, “fuck no, you may not go fetch the generator from the backyard in the middle of a thunderstorm so that you can run your laptop. Read a damn book already; the internet will still have Wrong People in the morning.”

Mom Lalonde does not convey this with words. Not even with expressions. Mom Lalonde does not have facial expressions. If Dad Egbert is Loki, who does that make Mom Lalonde? I will have to ponder this.  
  
I will ponder while Rose attacks Mom L with knitting needles (Aggrieve) that cause purple flashes of light, fakes a suicide attempt by sticking the needles into an outlet (Aggress) (which would be more effective if her reason for going outside weren’t the fact that there is no power in the house) refuses the pretty pony Mom L offers her (Abjure vs Ironic Indulgence), and refuses to take a drink (Abstain vs Ironic Negligence) with an auto-Perrier defense.  


The storyline says that Mom has satisfied her STRIFE quota for the day and goes back to housework. However, if that were true, Rose could just walk past her, but I’m pretty sure we’re to believe that no, Mom L will jump right back in front of the door and start waving ponies and martini glasses around with great vigor if Rose should attempt to leave again. Rose will instead be attempting to sneak out the back door.

Rose is told to “be the pony” to trample mom. She refuses; psychic pony-merging is beyond her skillset. She does, however, [appreciate poor MAPLEHOOF](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002290&t=NmFlNjRlODQ1MTdjZGFmNGUzN2RjOWY3YjRlNDZlOGM0Mzc4NjU3NSw5dG5aTzN5VQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F88832647638&m=0) who apparenlty does not volunteer to be dragged into her mom’s bizarre parenting shenanigans.  
***  
Switch to John, who is attempting to read Data Structures for Assholes. THe voiceover [tells him to turn around](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002291&t=NDRjZDVkYmEwMmQzNTUzNGY3YjY2MTQxYTNlZTE3ZjAzOWJkYTdjYiw5dG5aTzN5VQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F88832647638&m=0) because hey, all us readers saw Mutant Two-Eyed Nibbler a cute monster in his room. John does not believe in monsters, and is having enough trouble getting through the text.  


**God Damn It, Why Do I Even Bother?**

> The good news: finally your revolting incompetence can be put to use. Instead of accidentally firing a sylladex full of steak knives into a priceless oil painting or your belogved great aunt, you can turn that fumbling fury toward one of your foes, such as the ability to grasp painfully simple concepts. The bad news: I"m tired of explaining myself hoarse to you jibbering fuckwads. In this chapter I will be phoning it in with the liberal use of diagrams and shitty clip art. What are you going to do about it? You are going to wriggle in your own viscous secretions like the worms you are. That’s what.
> 
> Here. Learn something for a change.

**assHoLe NoTes!**

> Purse your lips together and form a stiff pucker. Apply them firmly to my rear end. I now pronounce you man and wife. Now get in the kitchen and make my ass some dinner, bitch.

Y'know, as offensive as that is, I think I might prefer it to the way some tutorial books are written.

John is eventually badgered into turning around and…

[MONSTER](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002292&t=NDIwMjlkZDI1YTZhODg4ZjJlNzA0MjhmZDQxMGE2Y2Q3YTcxNDhhYSw5dG5aTzN5VQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F88832647638&m=0)! MONSTER IN THE ROOM! ATTACKING HIM!  
This involves flash interaction in which the [monster threatens the bunny](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002293&t=ODdjZjBmYjE3NThmZDc0MDc1ZDQ1Yjc3MmU5Y2NiMzAxMTFiMzRkYiw5dG5aTzN5VQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F88832647638&m=0).  


  
John, armed with his trusty hammer, AGGRIEVES the SHALE IMP.  


John’s last name is *not* Henry.

Back to Rose. We discover that Rose’s house normally gets its electricty from an underground river, but the [transformer was fried by lightning](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002294&t=NmQ2MzViMWY0MzYyN2U3Nzc1OWRjMDA4OTljNjdlMzYwZDhkMDRhNyw5dG5aTzN5VQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F88832647638&m=0). Rose gets out her umbrella to brave the storm.  
  
  


Since the umbrella was the root card in the tree sylladex, everything else goes flying. Or rather, falling. Unlike the stack and math-whatsis modues that Dave uses (see how much attention I’m paying to this terminology?) (I mentioned 3 hours sleep in the last 36, right?), when something is unexpectedly expelled from the tree modus, it seems to just fall to the ground, rather than be shot from the sylladex with force.

Well, mostly the ground. The W winds up on the transformer. It’s a magnet. Rose gathers up most of her stuff, leaving the W on the transformer, and heads off to the mausoleum and generator.

John valiantly attempts to defend his bunny, or reclaim it from the Shale Imp. Since the head of his hammer fell off (there’s room here for a swarm of tacky suggestive jokes that I’m not going to make), he winds up attempting to hit it with the stick.  


That works until it hits back:

Meanwhile, Rose is heading outside. She is not picking up the W. She is not even thinking about the W. It is, as the narrator inside her head mentions, “just a stupid magnet.” It is not important. She does not need it. She grabbed it on a whim, and can leave it behind without concern.  


I say this because wow, this is a lot of attention for the story to spend on an unimportant fridge magnet, and also, in order to buld up a small chunk of text before the pic of Rose, hunched over and coping with the rain, coping with the meteor fragments that are mixed in with the falling water. (For a more conventional story, this would be where we realize that the magnet will be vitally important later on. She may need to wipe the floppy-disc version of SBURB and not have a magnet nearby!)

Rose’s yard is [surrounded by trees surrounded by flame](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002299%2520&t=YzVhNDQ1ZDRjMTU0YjE5MzcyYTYzOWRjODU3ZGIzNTMyZWU5MzVkNiw5dG5aTzN5VQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F88832647638&m=0) and I have no idea what she’s going to do with the generator once she gets there. Start it up in the rain? Drag it to the door of the mausoleum–not inside, to avoid carbon monoxide poisoning–while she goes inside to work on helping John?  
  
Anyway. John rallies himself and [goes back into the fray](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002300&t=YTk1YTFiNmM5OTZlOGI4YjZhYmQ3OWNhZWYxOGIwM2EyYzlmYjg2OSw5dG5aTzN5VQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F88832647638&m=0):  


Ooh, I see where this is going! Captchalogue the hammer and the clown icon will fly out and smash the imp in the face? Lemme click the button and see if that’s what happens.  
  
YES! That is what happens! … Mostly. The imp deflects the clown statue, and then the telescope, and dodges the towel, and does a sweet catch on the PDA when it gets blocked, but eventually, gets to the hammer, and that smacks into the imp and breaks it. ~~Smashes~~ it. Whatever.

Anyway, John is left staring at a glowing blue cube, with 2 purple hexi-things (grist) and 3 purple ones (erm, bigger grist?). He and his bunny are happy.  


He picks up the bunny, which is somewhat smudged, and which has fallen on a green card. Probably not the kind of green card that gets all the weird press coverage in my local community. It takes John 5 panels to attempt to put the bunny back in the box, and he ultimately fails at it.

Hawkeye, he also ain’t.

However, he has proven victorious over the Shale Imp, and he moves up two notches on the Echeladder.  


This gets him +10 viscosity to his gel (the blue cube), although it’s not clear if that’s 10 new, or 5 more than the previous +5. Presumably if we’d seen the previous level, we’d know. He also gets +20 to his Grist Cache limit, up from the previous +10 with the same confusion. He also gets some BOONDOLLARS. Which are stored in the ~~PIGGY BANK~~ CERAMIC PORKHOLLOW.

He needs 100 Grist to move the cruxtruder. Hm. If it’s 10 per level, he’ll need to achieve Kneehigh Pilgrim to get there.  
  
But expanding the limit lets him [pick up the build grist](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002306&t=YmI1OTQzMmVlMmIyODBiNWUxNTUxYTg1NGE1Y2M2NjIyNzQ0ODAxYyw5dG5aTzN5VQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F88832647638&m=0) that’s lying around in the remains of the imp - he now has 32 fragments of it. He also has 10 fragments of SHALE. (Oh, that’s the purple stuff. The shale imp is apparently made out of it. Or something.)

Back to that green card: The shale imp had bunnykinded its strife specibus. Wait’ll he tells Dave about this. Dave thinks the hammer is a stupid strife specibus thing. Dave grabs the bunny card  


because hey, what else is he going to do with it. He now has [two cards in his STRIFE PORTFOLIO](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002308&t=MjU0YThjNjA4ZWUyMzc0Nzc2Y2YyMzI1NTBjNWZlNGY2YjdhM2U4Miw5dG5aTzN5VQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F88832647638&m=0). That’s more than anyone else we’ve met in this game so far.

Then he needs to pick up hammer pieces, and I need to go to bed. Also, I think I have figured out who Mom Lalonde is, but I need to check a few more details first. Wouldn’t want to guess wrong; that’d be horribly awkward. So you’re just going to have to wait until I learn a teeensy bit more about Mom Lalonde, and then I can reveal her True Identity.


	20. Trickster Attack

I’d managed to miss [the page that had the trickster option](https://www.homestuck.com/story/397). I had tried both CTRL-T and the number on the other pages, with understandably limited results.

John apparently has a 3ds and has done the Mii Plaza thing enough to get a Link outfit.

I like this better than Candyhair John. I am rather confused at link slashing up Multilevel Hydra John, but it’s cute. I think.


	21. Page 2323: Plot Ahoy!

John needs to [put his hammer back together](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002309&t=NDVmY2E1OTk3MzA1OWNhNDExZGQ2MDJlZDUwNGVkM2M0MTdlZWM4YiwyeFM4WXA2ag%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F89616506883&m=0). I feel certain there is a terrific opportunity for an awful bawdy pun in there somewhere, but I’m missing it. Sorry. The process of imp-fighting has switched him from hammerkind to handlekind, because the hammer broke. This causes his small hammer to eject its head. Why it didn’t eject in the middle of the battle, or immediately after it, I dunno, but hey, some games are like that. “Please, keep using this feature until the next time you activate it to do something, at which point, the update will be applied and you will lose your hammerhead.”

(Almost. The puns are *almost* there. Sorry. I’m running short-sleeped this week.)

Reattaching the sledge head converts his specibus back to hammer… and now the excess handle is ejected. Fortunately, John has his Strife Specibus activated, so the handle bounces harmlessly off those cards instead of smacking him in the head, and lands beside the bed.

I would not mention this, except Chibipaw tells me I should say that I continue to be amused and entertained by the sylladex antics because many people hate them. They are, after all, a weird thing to throw in the middle of the storytelling, and they are not consistent, and they do not follow any logica

I LIKE THE SYLLADEX ANTICS VERY MUCH. I want a sylladex of my own. At some point when I’m not operating on very short sleep, I will babble about what kind of modus I want for my sylladex. (I do not think things should fly out of it and smack people on the head.)

John apparently does not think the small hammer is worth reassembly, and instead ponders his room. Dave is pestering him; he ignores Dave. (Dave, whom AFAIK he knows to have a copy of Sburb *and* a stable internet connection. John’s hammer-sharp wit is as active as always.) John is trying to figure out what’s wrong with his room.

I mean, aside from the black smears of imp goo and black void out the window and totem lathe in the formerly-nonexistent alcove. Those are _de rigeur_ at this point.

Meanwhile, Rose has [reached the mausoleum](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002312&t=MWM3NWJlNjA5ZGNlMmVkZTk3MzhlNjJmZGFlY2Y3NWE1NTY1ODAxYSwyeFM4WXA2ag%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F89616506883&m=0). Or, since I like to be precise about these things, the story has decided to show us a close-up picture of the mausoleum; the implication is certainly that Rose is very close by. She is being urged to activate the generator, which, unlike the demand to writhe on the floor, is likely to be followed.

She starts up the generator (in the rain) and runs a cord into the mausoleum, presumably to hook up her laptop. At this point she is instructed to desecrate the tomb. Somehow, I don’t see her complying with this demand.

I was wrong! Rose kicks Jaspers’ coffin aside to make room for her laptop, noting that tuxedos and cat corpses are [not a great combination](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002314&t=YTllMWE2ZTkxODY2NTdlZTU1NTNmOGI0MzhlOTA1YzNlODc5NzU4MSwyeFM4WXA2ag%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F89616506883&m=0). She probably only keeps the mausoleum around to bug her mother. And because it’s possible that her mom, as weirdly manipulative as she gets, might leave Jaspers’ grave alone, and Rose needs a spot that’s safe from her mother. 

She plugs in the laptop (which drops everything from her sylladex in the room, making it quite cozy–velvet pillow, a book to read and a violin give the stone room a domestic feel that most tombs just lack) and looks in on John.

John is trying to figure out his door.

John’s intellect never fails to astound me.

John has remembered that Rose propped the door up on his bed, and now it’s back in, well, the doorway, but slightly ajar. 

?????

A bucket of paint [falls on his head](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002317&t=NWI3NWY2NzEyYjg0YWM1YjAxMzFjN2M3MjRmZWU0MmNhNDczN2YzNywyeFM4WXA2ag%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F89616506883&m=0).

HEY! Bucket! I’ve been told the Bucket Thing is important. Or funny. Or something like that. I HAVE MET THE BUCKET. Or, I have met one of the buckets. Or something like that.

(Recap, for those who didn’t know: I have a bucket in my userpic because @Chibipaw told me that it would be funny. Am beginning to suspect “here, have a bucket” is a prank that homestuckers pull on people who get into the fandom.)

Next up is a [flash thing that fails to load](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002318&t=MzBhM2I5OTU1Yzg0NzJkNjg3MDIzODg3N2NhNjU4M2IyNGIyNmIxMywyeFM4WXA2ag%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F89616506883&m=0) in a timely manner. My computer’s having connection issues today. Possibly I should have fewer than 37 tabs open. Possibly one of them should not be Flight Rising’s coliseum. Possibly also running HereBeMonsters in the background is too much for it. In any case, it’s taking a very long time to get past the Sburb loading screen.  


… and in the time it took me to type that, it loaded. It seems NanaSprite stands ready to do… whatever kind of combatish things a Nanasprite would do.  
[](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002320&t=OGUxNDA5ZjVjYmQ4OGY3OGQ2Y2YxMGM5MTQwMTBlMDY4YWQ0YWM1MCwyeFM4WXA2ag%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F89616506883&m=0)

[ ](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002320&t=OGUxNDA5ZjVjYmQ4OGY3OGQ2Y2YxMGM5MTQwMTBlMDY4YWQ0YWM1MCwyeFM4WXA2ag%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F89616506883&m=0)

However, this interlude seems to just involve music and the sprite floating in the air and glowing faintly at John. And twitching a bit. Maybe it’s laughing.

Rose gets on pesterchum. Dave wants to know what’s up with the whole “house burning down” thing. Rose said she got out safely, and asks about his sburb copy. He neatly bypasses any explanation of why he’s working with his brother’s copy. (I suppose, “I misfiled something in my sylladex and spilled juice all over the discs, and then a bird grabbed them and I stabbed it with my katana but the bird fell onto a roof I can’t reach” doesn’t sound nearly as cool as “long story; using a different copy now.”)

Dave interjects some personal trauma related to puppets. Rose tells him that she cares not for his puppet-trauma; John needs help.

Dave is willing to help, but does not seem to believe a damn thing that she’s telling him is actually happening. Either Dave has Tony Stark levels of ego (quite possible), Rose is prone to florid embellishments on sitreps (also quite possible), or he’s playing it cool and not indicating that he’s actually scared shitless that she’s telling the unvarnished truth. (I cannot measure the likelihood of this one).

John, back in his room, [talks to the Nannasprite](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002320&t=OGUxNDA5ZjVjYmQ4OGY3OGQ2Y2YxMGM5MTQwMTBlMDY4YWQ0YWM1MCwyeFM4WXA2ag%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F89616506883&m=0). (Extra N, because now I’ve seen the canonical spelling. Not going back to fix the others. It should be Nana.)

John congratulates her on the prank, and she insists she is really his Nanna, here to help him on his journey. He asks if she knows where ~~Loki~~ Dad Egbert is.

She knows! Dad was kidnapped by a couple of imps. He fought valiantly but was captured.  


She also says they’re in “The Medium,” a void place, which is in “The Incinisphere,” outside of the normal flow of time.

John asks if they’re in the Matrix. (He does not use the words “the Matrix.”) Nanna says no; the software brought him here, but it was just the mechanism. She starts to explain.

This looks [complicated and full of the kind of details that canon hearkens back to](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002322&t=NGE3ZGVhNjJlZmJmZjJmMGQ3MjU0MThkMTIxNWI1MmNmOTMyYWMxMiwyeFM4WXA2ag%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F89616506883&m=0); I better bookmark this page.

Ooh pretty pretty. Worth waiting to load. Multidirectional red portalish curtains; spirography thing pulling back; zooming in to the inside of a [Focusing Orb](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.glitchthegame.com%2Fitems%2Ftools%2Ffocusing-orb%2F&t=ZmQ1MGM4ODMwYWQ1MzM5NTk0Y2QwYWNmYmQwNDIwYjJlZTU4NjU2YywyeFM4WXA2ag%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F89616506883&m=0) (I miss Glitch), nice music.

One of you people can get me this music, right? I don’t think I want it for a ringtone, but it’d do well on a nice “relax and go to sleep” mix cd. Or maybe a nice “wake up” cd. My husband’s sick of waking up to Donovan.

HOMESTUCK ACT II GEOGRAPHY STUDY LIST

  * **Medium, The** \- fuzzy void place wherein John’s house currently resides
  * **Seven Gates, The** \- What the Medium is beyond.
  * **Incinisphere, the** \- the giant probably-spirography-shaped TARDIS that contains the Medium
  * **Skaia** \- a place at the center of the Incinisphere



(I’m sure I’ve mangled some of that horribly and you people will have to correct me.)

Light and Darkness, Nannasprite says, are eternally at war here, with darkness intent on destruction.

… at this point, I must digress. The idea that light = creation and darkness = destruction, while not a specifically Christian theme, does tie very well to its mythology, and is often unconsciously used to promote Christian cosmological concepts.

Lots of things are made in darkness. Molds. Bacteria. First sprouting roots of seeds deep in the earth. Stars. A whole lot of human babies. The forces of Darkness, while they may be inimical to the forces of Light, are not synonymous with “the forces of destruction.” The kernelsprite, born of a reality [of which we can only see the shadows](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fsteve.savitzky.net%2FSongs%2Fworld%2Fworld.mp3&t=MTRkZDNhMTZiNTYyMzljZTg1ZGNkMWIyNGYwMjUwMDZlNTEzYmJhMSwyeFM4WXA2ag%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F89616506883&m=0), probably knows this; attempting to filter this information through the ghost of John’s grandmother is probably warping it through human prejudices, and specifically, the prejudices common to humans in North American in roughly the first half of the 20th century.

Digression over. Besides, the pretty music stopped playing even though the orb is still spinning. Time to move on.

Blah blah fate in question, blah blah very forces blah blah eternal stalemate, two kings chasing each other around a 3x3 chessboard.  


UNTIL JOHN SHOWED UP.

Because, apropos of Harry Potter, Arthur the bastard son of Igraine, and Bruce “My Angst Is Eternal” Wayne, nothing ever changes until a young male is thrust in the middle of bizarre circumstances and realizes he is The Chosen One.

Or, in the case of John Egbert, gets told he is The Chosen One, because realizing is not one of John’s strengths.

Something something [sovereign sprite powers four spires black vs white giant orb chessboard of the cosmos](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002324&t=ZDNhYTAwMDI1ZmUyODIyZmIzY2NmODQ3N2FkMjEzOTllYTU5YzAwOCwyeFM4WXA2ag%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F89616506883&m=0) good vs evil LIGHT IS GONNA LOSE O NOES.

Ummm… do I get to pick which side I’m on? And also, do I have to assume that light = good and dark = evil just because they’re listed in that order?

(I am aware the whole “dark is evil” meme did not remotely come from Christianity. It comes out of prehistory, wherein dark is the place where people die alone and lost, often of problems that would be simple to solve with a glow stick and a sterilized needle. But I don’t appreciate the continuation of the lightgood darkbad meme. I could maybe get over this if religious groups that think I should be killed on sight weren’t so enamoured of it.)

John wants to know if that means it’s all pointless. Nanna insists he must find out for himself. ULTIMATE RIDDLE time. Also, he must journey to Skaia, via the First Gate which is right above his house.

It’s a spirography thing floating in the black sky, with a big orange arrow-ish thing pointing at it. No idea if the arrow-ish thing is actually there for John, or is just part of the story.

It gets harder later, she says, like any good video game. For now, he can just concentrate on building his way up to the gate.

Is he gonna wait for Rose, who can just grab household fixtures via Sburb and throw them on the roof until he has a ladder? Or is he going to haul furniture, possibly an actual ladder, up there himself?

DOESN’T MATTER. I have reached a Major Plot Revelation – as in, the fact that THERE IS A PLOT, or something that will serve as a reasonably facsimile thereof (“go through the seven gates until you get to Skaia”) to this game. Story. Whatever this is.

Time to crawl that dungeon in the sky; John needs to load up on rope, 10’ poles, and iron rations. And he probably needs an elf.

Hm, I wonder how much battery power he has in the PDA he’s no doubt going to take with him.


	22. Cosmic Revelations and Cookies

John, at this point, is [dancing with joy](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002326&t=YmVlZDA5MzgzYWYwMTY3M2E3MzcyOWExYjcxNTQ0ZGUwMmNmOWI4MCxoS0VSa2Zsdg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F90360065873&m=0) at the notion that he gets to be the Kwizatz Haderach and save his dad (to which Nanna says Yes, John!) and then save the earth from destruction (to which Nanna says No, sorry.)

I suspect this will bring the dancing to an abrupt halt. (Good. It’s not that I don’t like the enthusiastic fist-bumpy dancing, but it gets repetitive awfully quick.) And sure enough:

Nanna says the planet is doomed, but he’s got a much more important task than saving one M-class dirtball. John doesn’t look convinced. It is, after all, the only M-class dirtball he’s ever known.

Nanna does the ghostspritely equivalent of patting him on the head and goes off to bake cookies. Voice of the Wanderer tells John to follow her; apparently it likes cookies and wishes to enjoy them vicariously through John. John is [srsly not thrilled](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002329&t=NzBjZTI5Yjk5MGFjNjFkNjhhNTg3MGMwM2ZkZTYxMzJhMjk2Y2FmYyxoS0VSa2Zsdg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F90360065873&m=0) at the idea of more baked goods. The Wanderer insists. John Abjures:

He abjures so hard he misses Rose trying to pester him. She decides to take drastic measures to get his attention, smacking him in the head with the bunny-box, which [doesn’t work](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002331&t=ZWExODE0ZGMxMzE1ZDFmMmE1NzJiMjRjNDU5NzgwMWYyMWNkYzU5YyxoS0VSa2Zsdg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F90360065873&m=0) because he’s really, really caught up in that abjuring. I am unsurprised; John’s aversion to baked confections is one of his strongest personality traits. (And yes, what that says about the rest of his personality is as one would expect.)

Rose decides to take a moment while John is throwing a fit, to [contemplate what Nanna said](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002332&t=MzdlZmYyNTUwYmRlZjhiNDIzNzM1NzdjOWNhMDYwYTMwYTFjMDNiYixoS0VSa2Zsdg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F90360065873&m=0) (because what John is going to remember is “something something chessboard cosmic gates COOKIES DAMMIT NO” and someone should be paying attention to what’s actually going on here). She may also update the gamefaq.


	23. Fierce Against The Vagabond

Rose [concentrates fiercely](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002333&t=MmQ0MTMxNDIxMjBlN2IzZmE1Y2RmYmU4MGY4M2Y3NDU5NTU0NDBmMyxWQjBWTUhWWA%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F90460824548&m=0) on the problems before her: John’s obliviousness, internet outages and low battery life, game with beta quirks with world-destroying properties.

She also scowls at Jaspers’ grinning face and says (or thinks) something about this being all his fault. I’m not even going to try to guess what that might mean.

Meanwhile, the Vagabond is insisting John partake of cookies. However, unless the Vagabond develops telekinetic powers, I don’t think that’s going to happen. And sure enough, John shoves a [pillow over his face](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002335&t=NWQ4M2YyNjgxNTVkYzZhODkwOTE0NzVjN2UxYWFhMWM0OWUwMjJjZSxWQjBWTUhWWA%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F90460824548&m=0) rather than, um, go get cookies.

Yeah, sometimes John’s logic escapes me. (Maybe he’s screaming into the pillow so he won’t hear the voice tell him to get cookies?)  
  
The Voice insists John is stupid. John, who has been called worse things by his best friends, does not consider this a compelling reason to acquire cookies.

Vagabond continues to insult John but does not get any more creative about it. [John flips him off](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002337%2520&t=OGRjZDlhYWYwMjRiNDE4N2ZlMDU0Mzc3NDg0YzlmMzdkMjcyYjA5OCxWQjBWTUhWWA%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F90460824548&m=0).

The voice COMMAnds John. John Abjures. At length. Vehemently. By stomping his feet enough to shake the Wise Guy book on the floor.  


[Jump to the Vagabond](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002339&t=NDU3MjY4YjVjYjUyMzY1NWUyYTUyM2E5ODhjNTFhNTdkYjUwZDExOCxWQjBWTUhWWA%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F90460824548&m=0), who is so annoyed he (probably he?) doesn’t notice that he switched the capslock off mid-word.

I have no idea why this is considered a noteworthy event.

AH! The [extra link makes it clear](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2Fstoryfiles%2Fhs2%2Fwaywardvagabond%2Fanagitatedfinger%2F&t=ZWEyMTBkZWUyYmJmMTkxMjdiOGMwOTc0ZjQyMTU1YTYxYjU3MTlmNixWQjBWTUhWWA%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F90460824548&m=0): Vagabond has accidentally opened a small cache of items in the shelter: A potted plant, some canned food, and a book.  


The cans include “Beans” and “Mustard.” (Who stores mustard in cans? I suppose these are industral gallon-sized food service cans? In which case, the Vagond is… huge.) The book is… HUMAN ETIQUETTE.  


Where do I get one of those? I have some aspie friends who would LOVE a print version, instead of the non-transferable wetware edition with all the cultural plugins pre-installed and no user manual.


	24. [3100] The Long and Short. The Medium too.

Rightclick. Save image as… [Sburb Walkthrough 2.gif](https://www.homestuck.com/story/440). Navigate to C:\Users\Elf\Dropbox\Gaming\HS LB. (I am aware that HS is not, actually, a “game.” My filing processes only have to make sense to me.) Open Sburb Walkthrough 2.gif with Photoshop CS3 Extended. (People who believe I should have a more current version of Photoshop are welcome to donate to that end.) Ctrl-Alt-I; Resample image; change 72 dpi to 300 dpi. Save as Sburb Walkthrough 2-300dpi.gif.

[delete: detailed section about converting to Acrobat & using its OCR capabilities, because my copy of Acro 8 is currently being wonky. Offers to upgrade are not welcome. I may downgrade to 7 but 9 loses important features–like the ability to have multiple files in one window. 10 rearranges all the dropdowns and removes a lot of keyboard shortcuts. 11 is incompatible with LAW software.]

Head to [http://www.onlineocr.net/.](https://www.onlineocr.net/) Upload 300dpi gif; select English, Microsoft Word (because why not), insert Captcha text, click “Convert.” Click Download Output File. Save to C:\Users\Elf\Dropbox\Gaming\HS LB as Sburb_Walkthrough_2.docx.

I have not actually read this yet. 960 words or so. Will read later. 

Rose sez:

I may have been a bit hasty in advising you not to bother with the prototyping process. If I spared any detail, it was only to optimize your chances of survival. And if you find yourself begrudging the absence of certain instructions, which if followed would have resulted in your demise, then I guess that makes two of us.

Otherwise, you’re welcome.

But the fact appears to be that prototyping the Kernelsprite before making your getaway may offer the only opportunity to exercise control over your new environment, a place known as The Medium. Also, if prototyped with one (or two) sufficiently – albeit loosely – humanoid and/or sentient element/s (living or otherwise), it offers the chance to have all this explained to you by an apparitional guide through whatever sort of cryptic, sketchy doublespeak your choice of prototyping element/s engender/s. In lieu of this, you may be forced to settle for my clear, thorough explanations and assiduous dissection of raw data.

Again, don’t mention it.

If you have made it to The Medium with an unmolested Vanillasprite, well, I’ve already covered the bad news about this “missed opportunity”, and I will go into this further soon. Though to what extent this actually is bad news, I’m not sure. I know only the result of my co-player’s current configuration, wherein the sprite was prototyped once before the departure, and once after. Which brings us to the good news, which is that you can still prototype after your departure, and salvage the massively rewarding experience of haggling with an exposition-slinging phantom guide, so long as you avoid prototyping with terribly inert items, such as a brass doorknocker and your father’s pornography collection.

Actually, that might be interesting. If you are struck by the spirit of such experimentation, please don’t hesitate to contact me about it.

So, yes, you can enhance your sprite in this way, but doing so after your departure will no longer induce this “effect” on The Medium I alluded to. That can only be accomplished with one or more pre-departure prototypings. In fact, we can extrapolate there are only so many ways to prototype a sprite.

Tiers of prototyping in relation to departure:

  * Both before
  * One before, one after
  * Both after
  * Only one, either before or after
  * None



Those occurring before will affect the Medium through the kernel’s “hatching” process, and your guide, i.e. the sprite. Those occurring after will only affect the sprite.

The effects this process has on The Medium, or more globally, The Incipisphere, are still vague to me. They have to do with flavoring the forces you will struggle against, and generally, all forces at odds with each other in this realm. It has given me some insight into the nature of the game, which again I derive through extrapolation. We appear to be engaging an instance of a dimension with a highly flexible set parameters, and a series of objectives surrounding an equally flexible mythological framework. This framework seems to begin as a sort of blank template, and evolves with the players’ actions, and likely further evolves with the addition of more host/client connections, and thus more prototyped kernels.

I regret to say I can’t be much more specific than that, without loosely extrapolating further. There are plenty of questions that have occurred to me, however. Questions concerning the Kernelsprite, which I’ve raised implicitly already, such as what is the effect of an un-prototyped kernel on The Medium? Or a doubly-prototyped kernel, for that matter? And even more salient are questions about this dimension itself. Do all players world-wide make it to this dimension if they successfully complete their departure? Or is a unique “blank” instance of the dimension created for each new player? I have no evidence, but instinct tells me it is closer to the latter situation. There is no indication of any other players present in this realm. Alterations in the realm seem singularly centered on the actions of my co-player and myself. If I had to stake anything on it, I would guess every separate client/server pair activates its on fresh copy of an Incipsphere, or a unique “session”, if you will.

But the quantity of players is a further complication which invites more questions. It seems the game was designed to suit two players most naturally, the server and the client. But through a mishap, my co-player and I have slipped out of the obvious tandem arrangement, and the only logical course of action to continue playing is to string a daisy-chain of server/client connections together, until presumably the chain is complete. Theoretically, we could complete this chain with only one other player, functioning as the server to my client, and the client to my current co-player’s server (assuming he can recover it).

The strange thing is though, in our instance of this dimension, there are four receptacles for divided kernels, not three. Does this mean we are “destined” to have a four player chain? How could the game “know” such a thing?

Perhaps it does, and if this proves to be the case, I trust I will be sufficiently numbed to the realization. ~~I can consider nothing about this game surprising at this point, and in fact from the first moments of play, it managed to deviate so far from my expectations that I completely forgot what my original purpose with it was. I had chances to test some information I obtained on good authority during the prototyping phases, but it completely slipped my mind. Instead, the game’s catacombs securing the dark twisting paths to necromancy were blundered into rather on accident.~~

~~But perhaps you don’t need to know any of this.~~

[rethink organization? lead may be waist deep logorrheic sludge. trim down. bleh]


	25. Backforeshadowing and Nekkid Puppets

I wanna see the game where the kernelsprite was prototyped with a pornography collection. Will it show various poses in an attempt to communicate? If the porn collection includes videos, will it be prone to moaning its advice and instructions?

“Oooh, baby… you need to–uhn!–thrust your way into the Seven Gates, each one getting *mmmf* harder as you go on. Start by getting it up to the First Gate!”

The visuals a silent porn-prototyped sprite might use to convey this message are just mind-boggling.

(No, that’s not what I’ve been doing for the last week instead of blogging. I have been WORKING. At, like, a REAL JOB. And a side job. Plz to ignore the ridiculous amount of Clint/Coulson and, recently, Levi/Eren slash on the ereader.)

Anyway, while Rose is writing up what she knows, or speculates, about the whole k'sprite situation, we get to jump [back in time a few months](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002341&t=NTI1OTdjNjE2YTc4NTVjYzhmZjA3ZmQ0ZWNmNDJkYjA5MmZjNTEwNixiUFpCMXFZMQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F90956954078&m=0) to … a snow-covered observatory? Or house?

It was apparently [Rose’s birthday](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002342&t=NTM4MTQwZjllOGMyMDBhY2UwMzJkMDhkYTI2OTc3Mjg4OGIwNGE4MCxiUFpCMXFZMQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F90956954078&m=0), She got a “hobby” related present from John (the knitting needles, maybe?); she chatted with GG, who apparently lives somewhere very remote, or multiple very remote places; he (probably he?) sent John’s present back then. (Was that the bunny? Or the thing in the car that fell into the abyss? See me being too lazy to go back and check.)

Sure enough, reading to the end of the pesterlog (I really do liveblog this stuff, jumping back and forth between screens), sure enough, Rose talks about getting a copy of Knitting For Assholes, so she’s apparently only been knitting a few months.

GG’s present to Rose is not physical–he gives her a hint that there’s a game that can bring her (beloved, he hopes–and is disappointed) cat back to life. REVERSE FORESHADOWING! Dropping hints in the past that haven’t been revealed until now–is there a name for that literary device? Putting hints in a flashback instead of the present?

Anyway, back in the something-like-present (we now have, what, three timelines going on?) Dave is off to fetch his brother’s copy of the game; for this he apparently [needs a katana](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002343&t=NWNiNGQ5ZTlhMDE0NDFkODFlNjhjMjBiYWE2ZGJjY2QwMTIyOWQ0NCxiUFpCMXFZMQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F90956954078&m=0).

I suspect that Dave’s family dynamics outpace Rose’s and John’s in terms of fuckedupitude.

First, though, Dave will [take another look at the bird he stabbed](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002344&t=YjNlNDMwN2FhYzExZDQ3Y2RiZmNjYjBmNzE4MGFkMjJmYmRiNDY4YixiUFpCMXFZMQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F90956954078&m=0), in the hope that maybe he could fetch the game from it and not have to look for his brother’s copy.

There it is, neatly contained and the game not too far from it.

Unfortunately, it’s a bit of a stretch to reach it. I’m sure Dave has a rappelling line and climbing gear around here somewhere (what proper badass rapper ninja photographer doesn’t? I mean, Tim Drake could’ve made that climb at age 11, and Dave’s years older than that. Two, at least.)

However, it does look like rather a troublesome climb, and getting the discs from his brother is probably the easier task. Probably.

Also, outside looks… kinda fucked up.

Dave notices it’s “hot.” Dave apparently does not notice that the SKY IS RED, and meteor-ish things are falling, and smoke is rising from several places in the city. He ponders the heat and attributes some rap-like lyrics to Keats.

John is not the only character in this story with severe observational deficit disorder.

Dave stops pondering the sky, and heads into the living room, where he meets a “[familiar friendly face](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002346&t=NmM0MjdiNWEyOGUzODRiZWEyMmJkNTk2YTVkODk0ZGEzNzEwNzViZCxiUFpCMXFZMQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F90956954078&m=0).” The living room is apparently his brother’s domain. It contains: the futon where his brother usually sleeps, a chest in which puppets are stored, “Cal” (somewhere), the friendly-faced Mr T puppet (not currently in the chest), a purple elephant-ish maybe-plush toy, a couple issues of GameBro magazine, and many wires. 

The Mr T puppet is apparently involved in some level of [ninja irony joke](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002348&t=NzJkODQ4NmIzN2M3ZmQzODkwODA4ZWQ3MzkyOWE0MDQ4MTQ2MjExMCxiUFpCMXFZMQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F90956954078&m=0) that boring people like me would not find funny. However, I *am* capable of appreciating Mr T in a thong handcuffed to a pantsless Chuck Norris, even if only in puppet form:

Dave’s brother apparently has Teh Slash Goggles. Dave’s brother has just become several notches cooler in my eyes. He apparently has a Thing for naked puppets, which are all over the room in poses suitable for random PWP fic.

Dave is not interested in the puppets. Dave is going to play on the XBox. Dave is, currently, a lot less interesting to me than his brother.


	26. Better Than Laundry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the delay. Mostly sorry. I promised Chibipaw at least 15 minutes a week, and sometimes, that’s kinda all I can manage. (But sometimes there will be a lot more.) She has promised me more nekkid puppets if I keep reading the story, so I’m doing that instead of laundry.
> 
> Nekkid puppets are way better than laundry.

Dave, still in his Bro’s room (with nekkid puppets) decides to check out the XBox. Looks like [Bro left it mid-game](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002350&t=NjIyN2NlMDdkNzFmZTgyOWExZDMxNTk3Y2FmNDY5NmQ1NzExYjc4MSxtNUVqOVdxRg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F91707757623&m=0), which is unlike him; the game seems to involve skateboarding athletes and chip-like (crisp-like, to the Brits in the audience) snacks. (Doritos. Pringles.) There is a puppet of a wizard with ~~plague~~ red eyes, and pictures Muppet babies in many of the poses of the nekkid puppets. Hmm.

Dave’s bro is not looking like “the sane one” in this story.

Dave is concerned for CAL’s welfare. Fortunately, he shows up in the next panel.

Cal is… ah… well, puppet is a good start. Wearing a “CAL” t-shirt. Blue with white text. Which is wrong. Cal t-shirts are blue with yellow. (I live a few miles from UC Berkeley. I see blue t-shirts with yellow letters that say CAL all the time.)

On [Bro’s other wall](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002351&t=MGU2ZjE5Y2FjZGVhYjViNDIzMGJmM2RiODg5OTk3MTdhYjZhNGVhMSxtNUVqOVdxRg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F91707757623&m=0) is a ventriloquist with a large nekkid snowman puppet (which we know is nekkid because its nether regions are pixilated) and a poster of a pair of muppet-ish fellows breaking out of a box. Not gonna screencap that; you’ve all seen it and I don’t know that I need to see it again.

Dave decides to take over his brother’s XBox game and do something involving skateboarding and Doritos floating in the air. Game is apparently “MAD SNACKS YO.” Dave gets stuck floating on the skateboard in mid-air; the game is apparently glitched. Or bugged, because this is definitely an un-Glitchy kind of game.  


Dave gives Lil Cal a fistbump, because Dave apparently can’t tell the difference between actual people and inanimate objects if they’ve got an arrangement of paint that approximates human facial features. That, or Lil Cal is actually haunted and so it’s perfectly reasonable to be talking to it and making friendly gestures toward it. I’m not ruling anything out.  
  
Dave checks out the stuff in his brother’s room. This, at least, makes more sense than the characters’ constant investigation of their own rooms, or their kitchens, which they presumably see EVERY SINGLE DAY. Since Dave felt the need to gird himself with a katana before sneaking into his brother’s domain, obviously he doesn’t see it all that often. He is impressed by all the cool stuff (“[sweet gear](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002355&t=MDkxOTYxMjIzMjg3MjcwOWY0YzcxZWM0NWE4NWFmZjhjZGE5NDliNyxtNUVqOVdxRg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F91707757623&m=0)”) he finds: Nifty computer. Some kind of harlequin-ish puppet with sunglasses and an S on its chest and chains on its waist. Poster for HUSTLIN’ FUZZ, some kind of bling daddy muppet movie involving a honeybee muppet wearing a pot leaf necklace. Also, a window to outside, which is swirly red.

Dave is not interested in the meteor storm. He is interested in his brother’s computer, which, of course, he will not be able to check out because his brother has password locked it.

(I’m guessing, there. Doesn’t everyone password lock their computers?) (Don’t answer that.)  
  
1) I AM RIGHT! It’s password locked.  


2) I’m not *that* right; Dave knows the password; Bro knows Dave knows; Dave knows Bro knows Dave knows, and in another couple of iterations it’ll be Casanova Frankenstein vs Captain Amazing all over again, so we’ll just stop there.

He enters the password. ACCKK It’s another homestucky computer thing, in which I’m supposed to sort out, gah, wtf is going on here.

Off to gif-explode.com again to make sense of the animated desktop pic, with the password lock fading out and other stuff fading in.  


Dave’s Bro uses the program “Complete Bullshit” to manage all his computering activities. And he has about a dozen “New Folder” folders on his desktop, which leads me to believe his OS is not Windows. (Of course not. It’s got a rainbow pinwheel in the corner. Maybe it’s a Mac. Maybe it’s a Mac Parody.) He also has the “Delirious Biznasty” program, which shows a green dude with sunglasses and a baseball cap on backwards, so you know he’s cool, yo.

Dave opens the “Complete Bullshit” (version 4.13; there’s that number again) content aggregator. It’s like a wiggly up-and-down rainbow full of computer text.

Apparently, [the stripes are programs or files or whatever](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002358&t=MzZmYzBiZjE4OTIwM2JiNDkzMWEwMTE4YjkyOTQyYjhmYzQxMTk4MixtNUVqOVdxRg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F91707757623&m=0), and you mouseover them to open or widen or something like that.

Dave goes to check on SweetBro and Hella Jeff. Can I skip this page?

YES. YES I CAN. I HAVE THE POWER TO CLICK PAST THIS PAGE AND NOT READ A DAMN THING ON IT.

Dave mouses over the orange stripe which has PlushRump.

PlushRump is [nekked puppet pics](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002360&t=ZGI0MWFlN2FiOTU0MWJjMjU4NzJmMDIzYTU3OWQxNjQzMDlmOTc4YixtNUVqOVdxRg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F91707757623&m=0). Or cams. Which Dave’s Bro apparently runs, and makes thousands of dollars a month from selling access to. Dave’s brother does Smuppet Porn and rakes in dough.  


… yeah, I got nothin’.

Dave goes back to looking for Sburb Beta.

After he boggles over the puppet rumps for a while. He attempts to convince himself that it’s all “ironic” instead of “disturbing.” He almost succeeds.

[Dave looks around](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002362&t=ZGI2NmRkOGY3Y2YyMjE4YjU4NmVhNzgyNTU3YTYzZDZiMzQ3YTg3OSxtNUVqOVdxRg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F91707757623&m=0). I watch the screen for several iterations of this, wondering if I’m missing some secret popup in a corner, before I remember gif-explode and go cheat to find out what’s actually in the gif.

Nope, not missing anything.

Cal. Dave gets caught by Cal’s endless glassy unbroken stare, and gives Cal a nervous fistbump. Dave is, perhaps, not as unfazeable as he would like to believe.

Dave realizes [he’s flipping out](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002365&t=YTExMzQ4MmI3OGYyYWIwNzE4NDA0YmMzOTM5MDkwMWM0YjA5OWIyZSxtNUVqOVdxRg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F91707757623&m=0). Nekkid puppet rumps everywhere, talking gorilla, Cal staring at him… Dave decides to pester John, which will make him feel cool and ironic again.

[But he’s not answering](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002366&t=NjJhZDBhYWMxMTQwMDFiYTViOTVlOWYzMWEwMjU1NmRiZDUxMjU4YSxtNUVqOVdxRg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F91707757623&m=0).

(Hm. When is this? Is John currently abjuring the sprite that wants him to partake of cookies, or is this earlier when John was attempting to stop IMPENDING DOOM via cruxite?)

Next panel: it’s post-abjurement, but John isn’t answering. Dave insists that puppets are awesome, not creeping him out. Not that anyone asked him about puppets.  
  
Dave obviously wouldn’t survive three days around Rose’s mother. She’d shred him.  
  
John isn’t answering, and Dave notices Rose is back online, so decides to pester her. (Because something about her house being on fire. Not because he’s creeped out by the puppet porn in his brother’s room and the painted smiles and unblinking eyes are making him twitchy.)

They chat. Or pester, if that’s the proper phrasing.  


Dave confesses to her that the puppets are kinda freaking him out. (Hm. Because she is female and therefore will be more nurturing? Or because he’s actually just starting to admit it to himself, and realizes that what he told John was sheer bravado?)

He defensively claims that they are “cool and all” and “semi-ironic” but insists that something has gone too far.

Rose, as TT (in purple text), says she likes his websites.

Dave says YOU WOULD.

Then he confesses that he has creepy nightmare-ish dreams about Cal. And then realizes that Rose is into psych things and she’s going to remember that.

Rose points out that OF COURSE she has nothing better to do with her time than psychoanalyze his weird family dynamic hang-ups; it’s not like there’s a FIRE or a MONSTER ATTACK going on or anything like that.  
Dave says he’ll get moving. But he still doesn’t believe anything’s actually happening.

`TT: I suspect he is preoccupied with the fact that he just had a bucket of water dumped on his head by the ghost of his dead grandmother, who also happens to be dressed like a clown.  
TG: hahahahaha  
TG: alright im out  
TG: later`

(Is there a way to do colored text in Tumblr? Maybe not? Is that why AO3 is where the Homestuck fic winds up?)

Next panel: “[Seconds in the future](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002369&t=MjdiZjEwM2JjY2ZjMGVhZjJmZDZmNWIwZjFlYWVmNzY0NjI1MDZjOSxtNUVqOVdxRg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F91707757623&m=0), but not many…” WTF is this? Timestream number FIVE? Someone better have a chart of all this stuff so I can refer back to it later.

John is abjuring. Rose is whapping him on the head with a box trying to get him to pay attention to Pesterchat, and decides to go back to trying to be productive.

She deploys the “Punch Designix.” Which means moving the piano around, or away, in the study. No wait, it means replacing the piano with the Punch Designix, which looks like a piano-ish shaped thing with a keyboard in the front. (And a spirography logo on the side.)  


We have established, have we not, that I approve of Dad Egbert’s den? It has pictures of scantily clad men in athletic poses. However, I must disapprove of the Punch Designix (deployment of which costs 4 Build Grist), because it is taller than the piano (where did that *go*, exactly?) and covers more of the poster.

Rose gives him some notes about it. And warns him that his house and yard are infested with monsters. [John noticed](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002372&t=NjY0YmJjM2Y0MDQ1ZTJjMWVlMzIzZGEzNmU3NTliM2Y2MTE5MGRmZCxtNUVqOVdxRg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F91707757623&m=0).  


John replies to her, says he’s not sure why he spaced out for a moment there.

He [rebuilds the claw hammer](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002374&t=MDQ4ODVhYmNjZTA4Yzk3NzljZGU3MmI3ZjZlNTk1ZTUyMDFmMjQ1ZixtNUVqOVdxRg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F91707757623&m=0) and adds it back to his specibus. At no point does anything sharp, heavy, or aerodynamic go flying through the air; John is learning to manage his captchalogue without destroying his surroundings. Yay.  
  
(Guys. Formatting this took longer than writing it. And it crashed partway through and I had to refresh the page and Lazarus the text. Tumblr’s posting interface sucks; are you sure I can’t do this on Wordpress instead? Or AO3? I can call it “meta” and make posts as chapters and you can all subscribe to me and be notified when I update it. I’d keep a tumblr for the sole purpose of hosting the pics to be inserted in the blogging posts over there.)

(That’d be a ‘no,“ huh?)

`> TT: I suspect he is preoccupied with the fact that he just had a bucket of water dumped on his head by the ghost of his dead grandmother, who also happens to be dressed like a clown.  
> TG: hahahahaha  
> TG: alright im out  
> TG: later`


	27. Build Those Grists

Because I am feeling INSPIRED (or at least, not yet exhausted), I’m going to continue posting even though I haven’t looked at the asks from the last post. (Haven’t had time to coordinate with Chibipaw.)

NEVERMIND. Chibipaw txt’d me to let me know the asks are safe. Will do those first. I mean, before you see this. I CAN DO TIMEY-WIMEY GAMES TOO, FOLKS.

(Why yes, I’m operating on about 7 hours sleep in the last three days; why do you ask?

John prepares for Nanna (erm, because of baked goods? Or because of the You Are The Chosen One info?) by snarling at the Pogo Ride (which we are apparently not supposed to notice looks _exactly like his t-shirt_.

Next up is a flash thing with sound, and this time, I am _prepared_. I have new headphones. I have new fancy sooper-dooper multipurpose headphones with a volume control with four dials and an on-off switch as well as a light, which will presumably notify me of its functional status in case the position of the on-off switch wasn’t enough, and multiple input jacks (red pink green blue; I’ll know when I’ve got them in the right spots because I’ll be able to hear things) and a usb plugin (which is nowhere near the earphones jack on my laptop, so that’ll be awkward) and a headset-mic (which chibipaw has “borrowed” because hers is misplaced, and she has less qualms about talking to people on the interwebs than I do). Also the ear-coverings swivel in multiple directions and have clonked me in the cheek twice already, so I can tell this is Good Tech. (Good Tech is prone to bopping me in the head. Me and Good Tech are not great friends. Good Tech tolerates me, and lets me know that the tolerance can be rescinded if I’m not polite enough.)

I have successfully achieved volume in the headphones. I cannot figure out how to make the [pogo dude](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002376&t=OTcyYzY0ZTUxZGEzY2NjOTI4M2ViZTA5ZDYxM2JjZmVlZjhmZDFjYyxMang0MUJrSw%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F91729167788&m=0) move.

After the third time the countdown hit zero, I paid enough attention to the instructions to realize I needed to use the arrow keys (not WASD, and not Ctrl-T) to get anywhere. And the “where” is “back and forth.” Any attempts to move up and down proved to be visually entertaining but fail to move the score forward.

Well, that was… not totally un fun. Also, there’s an imp playing the piano. I like that part. (Please nobody tell me that most players get 15236345232126 points. Let me enjoy my pathetic little bouncing around.) 

John, however, is very upset that an imp is riding the pogo ghost that he hates. (We’ve already established that precision logic is not John’s long suit.) He wants Rose to drop something heavy on one of them.

Rose complies, by lifting the piano (scaring away the imp playing the piano and the one eating cake), and dropping it on the green slime pogo toy. The imp is presumably crushed beneath it. This either releases or costs three blue and one purple build grist.

Hey, the Vagabond has black skin and four-fingered hands. Is he an imp? (Don’t tell me.)

Now John is [unhappy that his piano is broken](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002378&t=YWI0MjgyZTFjZjMxYTc0MGZlMDc2ZWQwYTViMWQ5ZTc1YTM5Mjc1NyxMang0MUJrSw%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F91729167788&m=0). No pleasing him, really. Rose apologizes, lack of controls, etc. She was apparently trying to smack the imp with the piano but not let go of it. Because, yeah, that’s a so much more effective plan.

Rose points out that John will need to go pick up the grist.(So it’s created, not cost. Good to know.) John does not want to go outside, which requires the back door (there’s a cruxite extruder blocking the front), which requires the kitchen, which is where Nannasprite is doing some kind of cookie-related activity which John does not wish to share. Especially if the sharing involves consumption of baked goods. 

I am beginning to think John is a secret vegan and hasn’t told his parents that he not only doesn’t eat meat, he refuses to eat honey or yeast breads.

Anyway, Rose agrees she will attempt to grab the grist. John asks this of her, knowing how well her past attempts to pick things up have gone. She’ll probably drop them in the cookies and John will HAVE to eat them.

She can’t grab the grist itself, but she can manipulate things around it. She tries to use the bouncy pogo ride to fling the grist upward, but it [seems to be stuck](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002379&t=MjViYzY0YzY5YWNlMTZiYjMyNDZmMGIyMDUwZGJiMjgwOTRkYTRhZixMang0MUJrSw%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F91729167788&m=0) to the ride. It does not fling. It is not flung. No flinging has occured. The grist remains in an unflungth state.

Next, she tries picking up the pogo ride (ripping it out of the ground, which will probably make John ecstatically happy) and lift it up to John’s bathroom.

Well, powder room with toilet and bathtub art pieces, IIRC.

SUCCESS! One pogo ride, one blue grist, and one purple grist reside in John’s bathtub. (It is still a bathtub even if it’s not connected to any plumbing. Bathtubs existed long before we had automatic faucents for them.)

John grabs the Grist (neither of them mention the couple of smaller pieces still outside) and his blue grist meter goes from 32 to 38, while his purple goes from 6 to 26.

The piano [attempts to level up](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002383&t=ZjUwNzM0NGY5MzI3ZGE5ZGY4MDdiM2Q3ZWZhNTEwMGQ1ZmExNzU4YixMang0MUJrSw%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F91729167788&m=0) for slaying the imp, but unfortunately, it is dead, as dead as a doornail, deader than a gazebo. It misses out on the BOONDOLLARS that are normally won by defeating an opponent.

Rose starts to build upward with the grist, making a stair path thingie to go up to the first gate. John notes that this will probably take a lot of grist; she points out that he’ll have to do things that make grist.

She notices that stairs are expensive. He says DUH (or words to that effect.)

There are imps EVERYWHERE outside.

John insists he told her about the stairs. There’s a snippet of reference to SBaHJ. LALALALA NOT LISTENING.

She will pull back the catwalk, reclaiming its grist, to build upward.

She builds an [observation tower](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002386&t=ODhjMDkwYjRhOWQ5ZDQ5YzNmNWRjZDAzNjIyNzc2YWQ3N2QyNDBmZixMang0MUJrSw%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F91729167788&m=0) on the roof. Or rather, builds the platform for it, which uses up 25 grist and leaves her with 1. (John is gonna need to fetch those two blue pieces from the piano.)

John, staying away from the kitchening as long as possible, looks through the cabinets for (1) imps or (2) useful items. He finds shaving cream. Lots and lots and LOTS of shaving cream. Dad Egbert is either secretly a wookie (hm, Loki is Jotnar, not wookie, so that can’t be it) or a [Benny Bell fan](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D8wSzPBy0GgI&t=NTY1NDY3MTM2YjQxM2U0MGJlNjVjN2NkYTlhYTFiZDAwZGVmMDBmNCxMang0MUJrSw%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F91729167788&m=0).

Side note, irrelevant to Homestuck: in looking that up, there’s a long list of novelty songs on the side. It’s a bit frightening how many of them I know. I could spend hours jumping from one Dementoid song to another. (Shaving Cream to Alley Oop to Does Your Chewing Gum to Dead Skunk to Wildwood Weed (I have the single) to Stoned and I Missed It and then we’re getting away from “novelty” and into “alt lifestyle” so into the Vietnam Song (aka 123 what are we fighting 4) to… yeah, I should stop here and get back to John & Rose’s adventures, with Country Joe in the background.

John’s bathroom is stocked with two or three cases worth of shaving cream. John grabs two cans.

This fills his blank card and [sends the telescope shooting out the window](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002388&t=NzIwOWJkNTM4NmUwYzIxNjY4NmI3YTc3ZjZhYWNlMTNmMGJjYjkzZCxMang0MUJrSw%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F91729167788&m=0) into the hole where the pogo ghost was ripped out. Huh. He didn’t need Rose; if he’d learn to operate his sylladex, he could’ve flung something sharp at the imp through the bathroom window.

He also grabs the pogo, presumably to keep it safe from imps. The towel flutters into the air and falls gently back onto its rack.

Rose checks up on the Nannasprite. She has [cookies](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002391&t=ZjhkOTQwZTRjMTVjMzFjNTI4Njk4YTFiMTdiMThkZjQ3ZmVlNzRlYSxMang0MUJrSw%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F91729167788&m=0). She must be part of the Dark Side. No wonder she’s told John they can’t save the earth.

An imp is in the kitchen, doing something incomprehensible to a piece of machinery that I’m sure I’m supposed to recognize. Nanna is not trying to drive it off.

Hm. Until [it reaches for the cookies](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002392&t=ZWViMDhiZTVkNmU1YTkxMzNiNzcxZDVmMGFkMTUwM2ExODhhNjFlMixMang0MUJrSw%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F91729167788&m=0). Then she SHOOTS A LASER out of her eye and blasts it to smithereens (and build grist: 2 small and one large blue, and one purple).

John will be so conflicted about that. On the one hand, BUILD GRIST. On the other… if the imps eat the cookies, he won’t have to. Quite the conundrum we have here.


	28. Impervious House

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That damn imp has been reaching for cookies for over a week, and the tab is starting to bother me, so it’s definitely time to post again.

John [heads to the study](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002393&t=YjhmMmIwNzczMmIyZDFmZWU2NzU4MzQwYWJkNmI5YzQ5ZDJmZWY1YSxmakZnSEx2MQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F92511542633&m=0), and on the way, two imps harass him. One is waving the stone head of a clown-statue around, and the other is holding a stick in a threatening manner. John looks very annoyed at them.

Oh, wow… there’s more than two imps. A lot more. And they’re making cruxite dowels by the dozen.

I WANT A CRUXITE TOTEM. SOMEONE GIMME A CRUXITE DOWEL AND I WILL CARVE THE DAMN THING MYSELF.

Why has nobody provided me with pretty blue cylinders and accompanying cute pointy-toothed imps in jester hats? You people are MEAN.

John, not sure how exactly to deal with a houseful of imps, decides to [ride the caterpogo](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002395&t=NmY0NjIyZjJiM2ViY2NjNTRkNzEwMjVlZjRjZWM5ZjcwNDQ5YzhkYyxmakZnSEx2MQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F92511542633&m=0) and wave his hammer and shoot shaving cream at them. This accomplishes… umm… well, not nothing; apparenlty he smacks the imps around and knocks some cruxite loose.

He continues bouncing down the stairs and through the living room, smacking imps with the hammar and landing on them with the pogo spring. I’m not going to do more screencaps of this, because the gifs are incredibly annoying. And John is being incredibly reckless. Add “pogo caterpillar” to the list of objects John should not be allowed unsupervised use of, and imps do not count as supervision.

And sure enough, John reaps the standard reward of small children everywhere who believe that “hey, this bounces” means “hey, this’d make an awesome form of transportation.”

The Voice respectfully asks John to stand up. Huh. Apparently it’s been reading that etiquette book.

John pulls a maneuver he learned from Sheriff Bart. (Or more likely, since John is 13, learned it from some cartoon that parodied the version done by Sheriff Bart. However, since John fancies himself a connissuer of fine comedy, perhaps he did see the original.) It looks like it’s working, which is good; maybe the site will stop being full ofjumpy gifs. (Damn, do I miss the escape button stopping gifs in Firefox. Someone find who removed that function and have them shot for me, mmkay?)

And then we get a [Flash Thingie](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002401&t=YzQwZTBmN2I5OWY0OWYwYmQ2NzJkYjM5NjA4ODAyNDhjOThiYjYzNixmakZnSEx2MQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F92511542633&m=0) in which John Absconds, knocking off some imp hat in the process. Immediately after, Rose drops a refrigerator on the imp, and the refrigerator gains a level.

Actually, the fridge gains maybe several levels and gains 285 Boondollars. It is the King Smackup Daddy of kitchen appliances.

I am ready for the blinky gifs to be done now. Another couple of pages of this and I’m gonna pause the blogging to go find that plugin that brings back the stop-animation feature.

The narrator congratulates John, who is happy with the voiceless, directionless praise. It wants to ask a question, but that gets sidetracked by Pesterchum.

Rose tells John she’s blocked the study entrance (leaving him to deal with maybe only two imps) so he can work with the ~~spirography pianothingie~~ Designix.

John has once again buried his PDA in his sylladex somewhere, so Rose deals with the imps by dropping a safe on them.

Result: one splattered imp (and really, nobody’s going to notice more black goo at this point), two small and one large blue cruxite; one medium-large purple cruxite, Col. Sassacer’s book, one shattered harlequin mini-statue, and a pink sylladex card on the floor.

Directionless Narrator Voice asks for a can opener. John, not one to question voices that appear in his head, [starts considering where he can find such a device](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002407&t=YjVjZmE1ZTM4MTg0YzM5YWZjYzE5YzJiMjdkOTdmYTlkMjQ3OWMxMCxmakZnSEx2MQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F92511542633&m=0). I, watching from the outside, wonder how much resistance there’ll be to the notion that can openers are normally kept in kitchens, which are also where cookies often reside. (John is not too concerned about that; at the moment, there’s a fridge between him and the kitchen.)

The pictures have [not stopped moving](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002408&t=YzdhY2Y1MGI0ZGNjNmM0NWViNzcxYTc1NGM3MGJkZDFhZDY5YzIxNyxmakZnSEx2MQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F92511542633&m=0), and we’re going back… _to the future_! Some years, apparently.

This time, it doesn’t say “… but not many.”

However, next click seems to indicate it’s going back to the same spot in the future. W.V. Bond is reading the book.

And by “reading,” I mean, “ripping pages out of it and eating them.” Your Narrator is wondering if W.V. Bond is an imp. (Don’t tell me.)

Next up, presumably back in “the past,” is the [next set of Sburb Walkthrough info](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002410&t=NDcwMzJkMjRhYWM2NTRhMDFjMTg3YTUxOWYxNGViNGYzOWEyYWE4MCxmakZnSEx2MQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F92511542633&m=0): a pile of links to Rose’s screencaps, all tinurls with 0413 in front of the actual filenames. Huh.

Rose has discovered the basics of how the game works:

Rose has discovered interesting features of the game:

Rose then uses 40 grist to [make copies of the chimney](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fgame%3Dsave%26s%3D6%26p%3D002411&t=NTRlYjEzOTkyNmE0MDM5MGVhODJhYzg5ZDI4MDVjYWE0YTBhYzMwYSxmakZnSEx2MQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F92511542633&m=0), in order to build a loft above John’s room, with the presumable eventual goal of reaching the whatsis gate. (Yeah, see how much I pay attention to the terminology.) Another 25 grist builds the platform for the loft. I assume she couldn’t just copy the roof/platform next to the stairs? Or it would’ve cost the same? Anyway, so far, so good; however, there are imps on the roof and climbing the tree near the house.

She uses the remaining 15 grist to copy the railing of the balcony, tilt it sideways, and stretch it into a ladder reaching up to the top of the platform.

John is still [in the study](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002414&t=MDU4NGQ1YWRjZGZlYTEyNjg5OTQ3MDM4ZWRjNjZiMmFkMTcyYmZhNyxmakZnSEx2MQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F92511542633&m=0), pondering can opening devices

Did I need that pic? Of course not. It’s too soon after the previous pic. It’s not even a very useful screencap, as the gif nicely rotates between several can openers and the question mark, and John’s wobbly head and arms make it very clear that there’s something weird going on; the single-frame crop does not capture the essence of the original story page.

It does, however, capture the essence of the scantily-clad men on Dad Egbert’s wall. It even makes it clear that one of them is wearing a mask and wrist bracers. That one must be Hawkeye. ~~Loki~~ Dad Egbert always had a thing for Hawkeye.

While John ponders can openers, Rose drops a shelf on the imp behind him, releasing another cluster of grist. John realizes he’s lost the thread of the… um…

[Courtesies are exchanged](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002416&t=NjRiODFkODI1ZjRjZDNiZjk4MzIxMWUxYTdhZDI1YTI3N2NiMTkzOSxmakZnSEx2MQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F92511542633&m=0). And exchanged again. (John’s pocket is pestering him - Dave and Rose both want to talk with him, but I gather the PDA is buried.)

W.V. Bond politely backs out of the conversation while [Rose covers her face](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002418&t=NGFiMDUzYjUxNDk4MDVhNDdlYmE0ZDQ2YTJlZjM3OTczZTMyNmMyMixmakZnSEx2MQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F92511542633&m=0) and screams into a pillow.

The voice leaves John alone in the study, and John enjoys all the “loot” Designix, broken safe, grist all over the place. John, sadly, does not have much appreciation for his father’s taste in art.)

John gathers the grist and [checks out the PUNCH DESIGNIX](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002420&t=NDAwZWNlM2RiOTk4NDM2MDhjNjk2NzA0ZjU2NmYzNzQzMzAzZTUwZixmakZnSEx2MQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F92511542633&m=0). Since this is the first page I’ve seen ALL NIGHT that isn’t wiggling, jumping, twitching, or smashing things into each other, I’m going to call this post done. This is a good page to leave the tab open to, even though the designix covers up all the fun parts of the poster.


	29. Punching the Cards

John contemplates the [diagram on the Punch Designix](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002421&t=MzQ4M2U5NmNiODMzYmU3MWU1MTljZWZiOGY5YmI5ZGE5NTNiNzgwYyxZT2lrOTNSbQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F92955887518&m=0), which has a card that’s blank on one side, a keyboard, and a card going into a slot. We’ll leave him to his contemplating, since that’s not really his strength and he’ll probably take a while. Back to the mausoleum:

Rose is talking to Dave. Dave objects to finding his bro’s copy of the game, and insists that Rose, not he, should be “wrist deep in puppet ass.”

Rose asks what the problem is, and Dave says it’s that he’s surrounded by puppet dick. Rose says he should just admit that he likes that. Dave complains bitterly about his situation, with an articulate flair that many slashfic writers have desired. Rose teases him with muppet porn rap.

I am, perhaps, beginning to see some appeal to this story.

Sentences like “i am enrobed in chafing, wriggling god fucking damned puppet pelvis” and couplets like “Prong of flesh bereft of home/ Found solace ‘twixt a cleft of foam” are worth putting up with a lot of useless babble about cake and clowns.

And back to John. John looks at one of his cards to see if it matches the diagram. The front has the pogo ride (presumably, this is contents he won’t mind losing by throwing it in the processor or designix or whatever this is), and the back looks like a really annoying captcha.

“DQMmJLeK,” it seems to say, in warped text with some mottled multicolor background bits (a rather pretty kind of motley) and some thin black wavy lines running in one direction and a heavier yellow wiggly line in the other direction. Some of the splotchy background seems to be snakes–I can tell this when I tilt my head to one side or the other so I’m not seeing the laptop screen straight-on. (Erm. More practical people might try tilting their screens instead.)

John believes the back of the card is some kind of code; apparently it changes when a new item is 'logued. He checks out the [back of the hammer card](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002424&t=NWVmNjhmMDMzNzZhYWMxNDU4ZTNmZTFiYTc3NDhhZTAyYjM0YzJkOSxZT2lrOTNSbQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F92955887518&m=0) in his strife specibus.

“nZ7un6BI,” it says, and wow did I have to tilt the screen pretty damn far to read that. The background here is some kind of checkerboard/plaid thing (I don’t like plaid), with thin aqua wiggly lines, a slightly thicker white curve, and a thicker-than-that orange curve. (See me pretend my description is worth a damn thing compared to the pic itself.) No snakes on this one, although the greenish and yellow-ish overlays on the pink-and-blue “bottom” squares might be some specific kind of shape.

John enters the pogo ride code into the keyboard. DQMmJLeK, he types (and yay; I got that part right.) The red light shuts off and a green light starts; he inserts the card.

Card comes back fulla holes.

He repeats the process with the hammer card, which also comes back fulla holes.

John attempts to pull the pogo off the card, and finds out that the holes have fixed it to the card. But he remembers that his previous experience with a pre-punched card may mean he can re-create the item, if he got the codes right.

I note that, at this point, John does not have a hammer, and the only “weapon” in his Strife Specibus is a stuffed bunny. Not that stuffed bunnies haven’t been useful for all kinds of weaponish behaviors, but they’re really not known for the same imp-destroying potential as, say, HAMMERS.

However, given John’s talent with the razor, I’m kinda happy to see the weapon with the sharp pointy parts affixed to a card instead of usable. Even if he is going to try to replicate it at some point.

That point is not now–Now, he is going to mash the keys on the designix at random.

He enters “dskjhsdk,” because it stops at 8 characters. Then he combines his two shaving creams into one card (it’s not like the house lacks for shaving cream if he wants more later).

I note that he has a cruxite totem in his captchalogue, and you people still have not provided me with one. Sure, you have sent me links to stuffed imps and chibipaw has informed me that many, many t-shirts are available for purchase (which I should not go looking for on my own because spoilers, even though I already know that troll t-shirts have astrological symbols on them) and there is all sorts of What Pumpkin gear but not the item I want.

Not that I’d have any use for it or place to put it. But I don’t have to limit my wants to practical things.

Anyway, John punches the shaving cream card with the random characters, intending to use it for fun experiments later.

Hope he has fun with those experiments, because [he’s down to 3 usable cards](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002432&t=M2NkZjAxN2NkMTVhZGQzZjYyNWIzNGY4NzBmYmRlODhiOGM4N2FjZCxZT2lrOTNSbQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F92955887518&m=0) in his deck. He has, however, moved his PDA to one of the outside cards so he can now answer the pesterings.


	30. Who needs bridges; John has cards to burn

I have no idea what’s going on here:

[](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002433&t=MmNkNjRmMmM0YTg0MWZiNzEzZmI0OGU4YmY5NTZmZTc3NTE3NGY5OCw1dTZUS2V0aw%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F92960579583&m=0)

[ ](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002433&t=MmNkNjRmMmM0YTg0MWZiNzEzZmI0OGU4YmY5NTZmZTc3NTE3NGY5OCw1dTZUS2V0aw%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F92960579583&m=0)

Except apparently something big is sneaking up on him, and casts a shadow over him while he looks surprised.

Next scene: Um, that’s somewhat [less sneaky](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002435&t=Yzg0ZmVjNzRjZWIwYzk0MjhhOTBkNmI0MjBiM2NmN2M2YWVmNWEyOCw1dTZUS2V0aw%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F92960579583&m=0) than the previous gif implied. A lot less sneaky.

A bathtub just flew (or got thrown) through the window to the den, taking out (1) an imp (and leaving some grist) and (2) a goodly portion of wall. John looks surprised. Debris is scattered on the Sassacre book.

This moment is followed by a tragedy, in which the bathtub continues its trajectory to the following wall, smashing into it (maybe that’s the kitchen on the other side) and releasing lots and lots of grist. Why is this a tragedy?

**BEFORE:**

**AFTER:**

That’s a gain of 2 lrg 1 sml purple gristies, 3 lrg 3 sml blue gristy crystals. And a loss of 5 scantily clad men, including Hawkeye. I’m sure John could find some other way to obtain grist; this was totally unnecessary destruction. (You people are probably cheering because it means the end of screencaps of the poster in the den. Meanies.)

John finally answers his pesterchat, and it contains (1) Dave ranting about puppets and (2) Rose telling him she’s about to throw a bathtub through the wall.

This apparently was a Useful Game Maneuver: it leaves him with an egress to the outdoors, allowing him access to the stairs which go up to the roof, so he can climb up to the platform towards (aha!) The GATEWAY TO THE PLOT.

[](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002438&t=OWEyMDk3OTUzMGVmYWIwYzgyYmQyYTA2NTQ3ZjM3MDdmNjJhMTYyMyw1dTZUS2V0aw%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F92960579583&m=0)

[ ](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002438&t=OWEyMDk3OTUzMGVmYWIwYzgyYmQyYTA2NTQ3ZjM3MDdmNjJhMTYyMyw1dTZUS2V0aw%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F92960579583&m=0)

John bitches about the narrowness of the stairs. Rose tells him to beat up monsters so he can gain grist and increase their limit so next time they can have bigger stairs.

John asks why she didn’t just build up through dad’s room. She said he hasn’t been there. They discuss ~~Loki’s Lair~~ Dad’s room of mysteries, about which Rose does not have happy thoughts, but John is not dismayed. (“…think i can handle a few more stupid clown paintings.”)

Rose drops the subject (he has roof access now, which is the important part) and moves the punched cards to John’s room where the totem lathe resides.

Then she grabs some cruxite dowels, which are all over John’s living room (but not _my_ living room, despite the piles of weird stuff that’s just laying around here… look, guys, I can swap you half a case of Otter Pops, a goatskin drum, a vial of Holy Water, and potentially a Galaga arcade game for some cruxite dowels).

John gets 8 cruxite and I get none. In what world is that fair?

John, oblivious to the value of cruxite, rounds up all the scattered grist and check out the safe which was broken open by the flying bathtub. It contains some of Dad’s newspaper clippings and a couple of heavy books.

One is a copy of the Sassacre text, but older, maybe a 1st edition printing. Perhaps it’s the one involved in The Nanna Incident Of Which We Do Not Speak. John fills his remaining card with it, thus burying the PDA once again, and checks out the other book.

The Fatherly Gent’s SHAVING ALMANAC, it says it is. John does not need this book. John should not have any book involving the use of straight razors. Fortunately, John thinks this book is boring and won’t even maybe be useful until he’s old enough to shave, which he isn’t, yet.

John ponders why the contents of the safe were locked away.

Newspaper scraps include an entry from The Common Hornographer, from Apr 13 (of course) of some year that’s cropped out. “Space Rocks Knock Local Burb’s Block Off,” it proclaims, and talks about a meteor shower “shortly after 4am” (hm, like 13 minutes after?)

Obviously the meteors are Asgardian in origin.

John stops reading the meteor-shower newspaper clippings and checks out the wall where the safe was. It has a note from dad:

> SON.
> 
> IF YOU ARE READING THIS, IT MEANS YOU ARE NOW STRONG ENOUGH TO LIFT THE SAFE. YOU ARE NOW A MAN.

I interrupt this note to say, No fucking way is John “now a man.” He can’t even shave yet!

> AS SUCH, YOU ARE ENTITLED TO WHAT IS INSIDE. I KNOW YOU WILL TAKE THIS RESPONSIBILITY SERIOUSLY.
> 
> I AM SO PROUD OF YOU.

That’s a little cryptic, so John turns the card over. The other side has some numbers: 02-49-13. He believes these are the combination to the safe, which is now pointless.

There’s a blank captchalogue card on the floor; its back has all O’s, or 0’s; he’s thinking that maybe zeros make sense for a blank card. He captchalogues it.

This results in [THROWING THE CRUXITE TOTEM OUT THE WINDOW](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002449&t=YjI4MTI4MzQ4M2ZkOWJkOWFkNmU4ZTkzYWViYjFjMTU5MDliYmE5YSw1dTZUS2V0aw%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F92960579583&m=0), or rather, hole in the wall where a window used to be. DAMMIT. I have _no_ cruxite totems, and John has so many he’s chucking them off into the abyss. Life sucks. This comic sucks. You people suck. Someone should get me an ice cream cone.

John, unconcerned with the amazing and beautiful cruxite, enters the code on the back of the card into the designix. Since he picked it up, the code changed from “00000000” to “11111111.” (I think I’m gonna stop ‘capping all the card backs, pretty as they are, and get myself some ice cream, since you people are all mean and selfish.)

~ _ice cream break_ ~

Checks freezer: we have spumoni, rum raisin, marionberry, and banana split ice cream. I go for spumoni.

John goes to punch the card. An imp is visible in the corner of the pic; it’s in the bathtub that now serves as a conduit between the kitchen and the den.

John punches the card and *then* checks his pesterlog, in which Rose points out to him that [he’s now killed *two* cards](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002451&t=ZWE3OGFlOWZlNDMzNjA0NTQ3MzMzYjIxOGI5NGQ2Y2E0MzVlOTk2Niw1dTZUS2V0aw%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F92960579583&m=0)–the blank one he just picked up, and the card he captcha’d it to. (That’s the 11111111 card, apparently: a card containing a blank catpchaloge card.

John throws down his hat in self-disgust.

John captchas the new card–ejecting the PDA out the window. Rose, who is now on top of things, manages to catch it before it falls into the abyss.

She returns it to him, and he takes it–ejecting the 1st ed. Sassacre, which is heavy enough that it doesn’t fly all the way off the cliff, and instead lands on the imp watching from outside, squishing it and releasing more grist.

The story text tells us: “The two card sylladex: inventory of dumbasses.”

John, however, has killed enough imps to level up!

He [moves up the echeladder](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002455&t=MzFjMWJiODg3MGU0YmE1OWNhNzgzNTQ3MTcyNmY0NDhhZDNkMDc4Nyw1dTZUS2V0aw%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F92960579583&m=0) to Pesky Urchin and gains 200 Boondollars. His Gel Viscosity gets +15; cache limit is +40, and Man Grit, which is still greyed out, is +5.

The silhouette for Man Grit is disturbingly similar to the silhouette on the front cover of the shaving book.

Colonel Sassacre also levels up for slaying the imp. It has reached the level One Man Julep Vacuum, and gets 9550 Boondollars. This is not Sassacre’s first slaying.

The bathtub also levels up–it skips past Archimedes’ Aquacraddle to Taft-Jammer, and grabs 490 boondollars.

The safe, also, levels up. Or sort of. It was [slain in battle](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002458&t=YjA1Y2NkNjkyYjU3Y2U5MjUwMDgxNTc0ZGM1ODlhMjk2YzRkM2U2Myw1dTZUS2V0aw%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F92960579583&m=0) and gets carried off to Vaulthalla.

I’m beginning to wonder why John got any points at all, since this game apparently awards the weapon experience for slaying, and John wasn’t even weilding the tools that killed those imps. I suppose maybe because it’s his game.

John is about to head up the stairs. Since the most appealing part of the house has been destroyed by a flying bathtub, and John is apparenlty willing to throw the second-most-appealing part off of cliffs, I agree that it’s time to leave this place.


	31. This Episode Brought To You By The Numbers 5, 6, and 3

John is ordered up the stairs. He’s not sure about this; [they look unsafe to him](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002459&t=ZmQ2MDQyMDU1ZjljNTQ4YWU4ZTMwYmY5MGQyMzQ0NjcyNWI0OWRhNCxBT1h1cW5Kag%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F93387591543&m=0). (And this is coming from Mr. Throw The Razor Out a Window, so they must look *really* unstable.)

However, I’m sure there will be a moment or two of reinforcement, or he will crawl up them, and then reach the ceiling and commence with the Real Plot, right?

… I’ll wait here while you all stop laughing.

But he does start up them–at a scramble, because apparently narrow stairs with no handholds are best navigated at a run–and it goes about as well as can be expected.

While John is holding onto the stairs for dear life, an imp starts [climbing its way back up](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002461&t=ZGQ1YmY0MTBhMzljMzEwNGZhOGVhMjE0NzA3MWM0Y2M2NDBjYjNkNCxBT1h1cW5Kag%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F93387591543&m=0) and will no doubt sieze the Sassacre book as its next strife specibus thingie.

Meanwhile, back at Dave’s… Dave finally manages to ignore the creepy puppets and the nekkid puppets and the puppet porn site and [go looking for the SBURB beta](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002462&t=Mjc1ZGI1OWIyMDg3YTVkZWFjOGQ2OGVlMTljMDkwODZhNmEyNjEwZixBT1h1cW5Kag%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F93387591543&m=0).

Dave first spends some time pondering how awesome his brother’s turntable setup is, and the fact that one of his bro’s swords is missing–indicating YET ANOTHER young man wandering around with sharp objects ready to be flung out of a sylladex.

However, since Bro had multiple swords, and Dave doesn’t like to leave the sword rack half-full, he vanishes the other one into his sylladex. No numbers are mentioned.

Now that he has another sword, he doesn’t see any need to stay in the room anymore (despite the lack of Sburb beta in his possession) and starts to leave. A this point, two things happen: (1) he notices “ironic comics” on the door, and (2) Lil Cal teleports from wherever it was before to the edge of the turntable.

The comics are [creepy](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002465&t=Nzg0ZDJjMWEzNzYzZDlkM2MxZjQ1MmRiMTIxZjhjOThmNTM5YzkxZCxBT1h1cW5Kag%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F93387591543&m=0). Dave’s Bro: Not the Sane One.

Dave is [also creeped out](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002466&t=NzYyZDExYWEyZTY5ZjY5YzFhOGM0NzhlYzg5ZjY3MzMzMWE4YjJkNixBT1h1cW5Kag%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F93387591543&m=0) by the comics, and think/mumbles something about being plenty “ironic” and that this is his Bro’s attempt to get under his skin. Dave believes the comic is perhaps “a little too ironic.”

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Dave’s family kitchen is also lacking both Bro and Sburb Beta. It is, however, full of sharp pointy things, colorful splodey things, and brightly-colored humanoid figures in perilous situations.

[](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002467&t=YmUxMDBmYzdmZTk0ZTQxMzMxY2UzNjRlYjczODkyZWQ3MzExOTIwMixBT1h1cW5Kag%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F93387591543&m=0)

[ ](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002467&t=YmUxMDBmYzdmZTk0ZTQxMzMxY2UzNjRlYjczODkyZWQ3MzExOTIwMixBT1h1cW5Kag%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F93387591543&m=0)

Next up: Sylladex antics. Dave transfers the katana to his strife specibus. SHIFT=9; KATANA=9; the sword is neatly transferred from the sylladex to the Bladekind specibus.

Dave decidest to [blend the puppet in the blender](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002469&t=NDBlZmUwMTM3ZTc2OTAxODc1MzhlZTVlYmI1ZGIxYjk5MzY4MTgxZSxBT1h1cW5Kag%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F93387591543&m=0). It had “fake blood capusules.” Riiiight. You keep telling yourself that, Dave.

Dave notices that he’s being recorded. Also, the puppet on the microwave shifts so it’s looking at him. The puppet things are moving beyond “little bit creepy.” C'mon, Dave, find the damn disks and get out of here already.

Dave [decapitates a puppet](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002471&t=N2VhOWNlZjU1ZGZiMmYwNjkyYWZiOGQ2Zjk5YWMyYmY2NjY4MmVkMSxBT1h1cW5Kag%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F93387591543&m=0). Better hope that Nannasprite never decides that its true nature is the Harlequin and it should take revenge for all the harms done to its little cousins.

He contemplates grabbing the huge whonking sword from behind the microwave, but decides the quality is lousy and he’s not going to bother.

But since he knocked the puppet head into the blender, he might as well have more [blender fun](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002473&t=ZWFmMTEyN2NiOTUwZTM0OWRkNjU1NjI3MDY4NDEzNDhmODNiODk3YyxBT1h1cW5Kag%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F93387591543&m=0).

Dave decides to hide the destruction in the microwave. This turns out to be a problem, because the microwave is full of nekkid puppets. It is, like, a clown car full of foam buttocks.

Since the puppets aren’t being fun and the sword was useless, Dave captchas the FIREWORKS (2+1+2+1+2+1+2+2+2 = 15%10 = 5) and then the SHURIKENS, which also wind up in 5. Dave, however, is smooth with this sylladex game, and catches the box of fireworks when they get pushed out of the ‘dex.

However, now that it’s a [BOX OF FIREWORKS](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002477&t=ZmEyNWUwZDQxMzZlZjgyODQ4YjliMTc2YzA2YmZlYzc0YmEzZWE1MixBT1h1cW5Kag%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F93387591543&m=0), it can go in slot 3.

He then grabs NUNCHAKU (3), and wasn’t on top of things–BOX OF FIREWORKS gets dumped out on the floor.

He catptchalogues the BOX (5), dodges the shurikens that fly at him, and considers what to do next. He tries captcha'ing each SHURKIKEN (3) individually, making sure to catch the NUNCHAKU as they come flying out. He switches languages and captchalogues them as NUNCHUCKS (6), shoves the fireworks in the BOX (5), and now has them all.

Somewhere in all this, Lil Cal blurs and fades/t'ports off the turntable. I’m officially not gonna think about it.


	32. Touch the Puppet-Head

When we left off, Dave was about to [examine his FETCH MODUS](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002483&t=OGMyNGI1NjhiNjc5OWI2Y2JiM2E3YzUzNzAxMmYyMjI1YzY1OTUyYyxlTG8wanNOWQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F94607119168&m=0), a concept I find so intimidating it threw me out of the comic for weeks. I find all the modus antics _hilarious_ , and I want to blog about all the little bits I find funny, and screencap as appropriate so that YOU WILL ALL UNDERSTAND how side-splittingly comical they are… but I was tired. Can’t blog about humorous antics when my eyes keep sliding shut.

But enough about my exhaustion! We were talking about Dave’s fetching modes!

This is the back of Dave’s Fetch Modus. It has an Eject button, a small cluster of color-coded hash functions, a text input field, and a checkbox for “detect collisions.” Dave, unconcerned with collisions for now, starts by pressing the Eject button.

Fortunately, the modus, unlike the sylladex, doesn’t just spew items out into the room at the, heh, push of a button. It has a warning message.

Dave declines. It took him a lot of effort to get his sylladex arranged, and he doesn’t want to have to pick everything up again. (Not to mention what damage might occur if the shuriken and sword went flying across the room.) Dave, in fact, decides that even having an “eject all” option is too risky, and considers switching to the Scrabble Points Hash Modus.

He programs in the Scrabble values for letters (A=1; B=3; C=3; D=2; E=1; F=4; G=2; H=4; I=1; J=8; K=5; L=1; M=3; N=1; O=1; P=3; Q=10; R=1; S=1; T=1; U=1; V=4; W=4; X=8; Y=4; Z=10) but declines to change the modus itself right now, because that would require ejecting everything.

Wow, a coding/programming feature I actually understand, for once. Of course NUNCHUCKS would no longer necessarily be 6, and BOX would not be 5, once the letters are added up. I am not going to sit here with the scrabble point values and sort out how the contents of his sylladex might be rearranged. I never played much scrabble–I had a tremendous vocabulary and good spelling, but could never remember all those three-letter words for archaic forms of currency that are essential for winning.

Dave is not doing the scrabble thing either, at the moment. But he does [check the “detect collisions” box](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002486&t=MDY0MWQ4MjkzMGU1YmQ4ZGIxZWU0YzczOTE0ZjUxMjZlMzY2YjU0NSxlTG8wanNOWQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F94607119168&m=0). Maybe there’ll be fewer defenestrated game discs soon.

Dave goes for the skateboard, first [clearing it of nekkid puppetry](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002488&t=YzM2NTA4MDU3OGY5YjY1MzRjM2RlZDU4ODA0MjRkZWQxNWNiODgwNixlTG8wanNOWQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F94607119168&m=0) via an expedient act of swordsmanship.

When he tries to pick it up, into slot 6–a collision is detected! So it becomes not SKATEBOARD (6) but WHEELED RIDE (7). Dave is not happy with the nomenclature in his sylladex.

He tries to grab the POWER CORD (5), but that [also won’t work](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002490&t=ZWY5MGY4ZGVlMWMwNDVlMTk3YjUxNWEyNDZkODM1NTdmNGEzMTY3YixlTG8wanNOWQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F94607119168&m=0). He needs to think of a new word for it.

  * ELECTRIC CORD = 12122212 2122 = 20 = 0; available
  * ZAP LINE = 212 2121 = 11 = 1; also would work
  * SHOCKING BDSM WHIP = 22122122 2222 2212 = 29 = 9… hey, the possibilities are endless.



What does Dave go with?

He [tries BATTERY PACK](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002491&t=MDY2NDBkNTFlZWI4OTA1YmMzZjM1ZWJlNTU0ZTk4Y2M0ZjBjZjMwMCxlTG8wanNOWQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F94607119168&m=0) but slot 8 is full. He retries the same thing–insisting that Y is a consonant to make it equal 9. Sylladex is easily fooled by basic sophistry.

Then, SOMETHING HAPPENS! A shadowy figure places Cal on the stovetop behind Dave.

When Dave turns around, to go look for some snacks, he jumps with surprise. But it’s just Lil’ Cal, so he gets over it quickly and heads for the fridge.

The fridge is, of course, full of swords. Because wehre else would you keep them?

Dave captchalogues… [JUMBLE OF UNBELIEVABLY SHITTY SWORDS](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002496&t=MzliNDQ4ZTQ4N2M5NmRlZTU4NjIyMWI1ZGE5NzMyZmU4ZjY0YzdkNCxlTG8wanNOWQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F94607119168&m=0) to slot 2, and continues his quest for food, starting with trying the ice maker for a cool drink.

The ice maker has cherry bombs, not ice.

In the shiny surface of the fridge, [Dave sees Lil’ Cal’s reflection](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002498&t=YjQzN2MwNWJjZjM5ODg5NjE1MzU5ZDJiODRlMGEzOGRiNTNkZWUxNSxlTG8wanNOWQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F94607119168&m=0), which shouldn’t be possible because Lil’ Cal was just facing the other direction.

DUN DUN DUN!

I’d feel more creeped out if I weren’t more interested in getting back to John, the imps, the meteor shower, and eventually, TROLLS.

There are no tentabulges yet in my HS experience,, and therefore my Homestuck experience is incomplete. I care not for creepy puppets in refrigerator reflections.

Dave looks around for Lil’ Cal, doesn’t see him (because he’s jumped or been moved to the top of the fridge) and goes back to his practice of rounding up all the instruments of violence he can collect: he captchaloges the cherry bombs.

Well, no, he fails to do that; CHERRY BOMBS = 9 and the power thingie is there already. He captchalogues RED SPHERICAL SALUTES to slot 1.

He goes after the blender, next, but BLENDER = 2, and that’s not going to work. However, WHIRLING BLADE PITCHER = 4, and he has that slot open.

Not content to limit himself to violence with instruments he can carry, Dave is about to feed a [puppet to the garbage disposal](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002502&t=ZmYxODJiYjE5NmNjMGY4ODNiOTEzNzQ1ZmVlNDJjNzdjZjVlYzU0MixlTG8wanNOWQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F94607119168&m=0).

…

That was disturbing.

…

This is [more disturbing](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002504&t=NTI4NTRiNGM3Y2EwMGRlNzlkYzlhMzYwMTNkNDhjNjU3MTM4MGU5MSxlTG8wanNOWQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F94607119168&m=0). Dave should obviously not be permitted to operate a garbage disposal. However, while looking 

at the creepy skull bobblehead disposal game, he notices a reflection in the sink of something up above–a puzzle piece outline shows on the metal. Dave looks up.

The hatch to the crawlspace above the apartment has a puzzle-piece shaped sign that says “Hello Dave.” Dave’s bro apparently does these things to be ironic.

Dave stacks electronic equipment and cinderblocks to make a cool-looking techno-fort that any kid would be proud to play in, but right now, Dave’s busy getting to the ceiling.

What’s with all the climbing in this game? Howcome nobody goes exploring in the basement? Is this some kind of metaphor for the basic human experience, in which we have traveled the skies and sent robots to other planets but not explored our own ocean floor, just a few miles away?

Ignore my ramblings. Dave has reached the cord and is about to pull on it.

Dave is…

[Smothered](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002510&t=YjY0ZGE4ZjhiYThlOWY3OWJhYjUxNzMxMjBlNDcxM2RkMDY2MjgyYixlTG8wanNOWQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F94607119168&m=0) in nekkid puppets.

Dave, overwhelmed by anger (or some emotion, anyway), [pesters Rose](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002511&t=MWZkODRlY2U0MjM0ODRlMzkwZTU0NDQwZTkxZDkzMDMxMGE3OTc5NyxlTG8wanNOWQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F94607119168&m=0), insisting that she, not he, should be “wrist deep in puppet ass.”

I’m not sure that’s a mental image I needed.

Nor did I need to think about “an obscenely long, coarse kermit cock.” But now that I am thinking about it, I may need to write fic for it. Hmm. While Flora’s Grover/Neville story is likely to remain the pinnacle of muppet porn, there is always room for one more fluffy smut fic on the internet. Especially if the fluff isn’t metaphorical.

Dave is complaining about being “burrowed fuck deep into lively, fluffy muppet buttock.” I begin to wonder exactly what position Dave landed in.

Rose starts rapping about nekkid puppets. Dave is not happy with either his physical circumstance nor with listening to Rose’s poetic experiments.

I, however, am happy enough to contemplate Dave being “fuck deep” in puppets, and surrounded by jutting, impudent soft bulbous bottoms, that I’m going to end this here and go eat dinner.


	33. Dave, Slayer of Puppets; John, Maker of Blue Wobbly Vase Thingies.

Dave goes to [read the note](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002512&t=NTVjYWNmODFlMjdlODc3YmI5NDgxYzdjM2Q1YzJiNDFjZTU0MjcxNCxqRzl6dmtwdg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F94696403533&m=0) on the ceiling hatch, which is pinned in place by a Batarang. Dave’s Bro instructs him to bring Cal to the roof, where they will “do it” and “Make this happen.”

No, that’s not a particularly special picture. It’s not captured from an animated gif or a flash thing, and it has no nekkid body parts in it, and no cool facial expressions. I don’t care. Batarang.

Dave, not particularly interested in batarangs, fights his way out of the puppet pile, via animated gif that *is* worth capturing.

Then we’re back to [John, who is standing in his room](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002514&t=NDg4MjNhMjdhNDc3ODJhNjk2OGNjYTU3MTFjYjJkY2M0MTdiMmJiYyxqRzl6dmtwdg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F94696403533&m=0), next to a whole HEAP of cruxite dowels, and also next to a handful of blue and purple crystals for which I have forgotten the proper label, it’s been so long. That’s okay; I’m sure something will remind me soon, or one of you readers will.

John, IIRC, had just burned most of the cards in his sylladex playing with the punch machine. He is now next to the totem lathe, which can, with the application of a punched card and totem, make a Thing.

Does John make a Thing?

No. John makes a _tent_ , out of his sheets and some dowels.

Dave made a fort out of stereo equipment and cinderblocks; John is making a tent out of bedsheets.

Dave is way ahead on the cool factor here. Even though John is [using cruxite to make his tent](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002515&t=ZTg1OGM3MzUzM2E2NTgwMjk2ODRhYzU1MzZhNDc3NGU2ZTgzM2IwYyxqRzl6dmtwdg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F94696403533&m=0), it’s still not as cool as a stereo fort.

However, John does look like he’s having more fun with it than Dave had with the stereo. That’s the problem with being cool. Most people who spend time trying to be cool, forget how to have fun.

Next, it looks like Rose grabs the sheet and dresser and throws them into the Abyss to get John focused on the save-the-world task, or at least, fix-your-damn-sylladex task.

John proceeds to carve totems with punchcards. John has a whole stack of pretty blue shiny cruxite dowels, and a totem lathe, and totems, and punched cards, and I have none of these things. Sometimes, life is just not fair.

After he has 3 totems for items, he makes one for the captchalogue card. It looks suspiciously like a plain cylinder. Someone needs to get me 3-d printer stats for all of those.

Rose then grabs the totems and puts them into her ATHENUM, which is a place like a sylladex only for totems. Each totem shows an amount of grist when she hovers over it:

  * **Pogo Ride** : 5 Blue Grist 1 Purple Grist (Grist, that’s what it’s called.)
  * **Hammer** : 2 Blue
  * **???:** 4 Blue 8 Purple
  * **Captchalogue Card** : 1 Red Asterisk



Rose [uses the Alchemiter](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002521&t=MTE5MzI0MjM4MTU0N2QwMzg5MGJhMmM4YzAyODBjYzA3MTM1NWI1YixqRzl6dmtwdg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F94696403533&m=0) to make a Captchalogue card, because Bob knows John needs one. Or more. Turns out the red asterisk means “any;” 1 unit of anything makes 1 captchalogue card. She uses shale, which seems less useful than build grist, and makes a stack of them.

She returns the cards to John, who is happy to see them, and asks what she did with the “blue wobblly vase-looking things.” She admits to grabbing them to start work on her own; she refrains from pointing out sharply that TIME’S A WASTIN, BOY, IMPS ARE IN THE KITCHEN AND IT’S TIME TO GET TO THE ROOF.

She makes a hammer and a pogo ride. John hates that thing–she’s his friend; she has to know that–and she’s making another one for him?

Two imps are on the Alchemiter and have picked up the hammer and are facing off with the pogo ride.

One imp bounces off on the pogo ride, resulting in… an explosion. Ah! The random ??? card was a ROCKET PACK, and also parts of a violin and a cinderblock and maybe a houseplant.

Since the additional items make the rocketpack unusable as a rocketpack, Roses assigns it to its alternate purpose, and drops it on the imp with the hammer. Result: 1 lrg 1 small build grist; 1 large shale whatsis, 1 squashed imp.

The rocketpack does not go up a level at this time.

John [collects the cards](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002527&t=MmRlNTlmYzhjMzNlZjAzYjk0NjJlYTI3ZDAyYjQwNGU2NTRlMWYxMixqRzl6dmtwdg%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F94696403533&m=0) using Sylladexy Games: he grabs the Wise Guy book with his one remaining card, then grabs the stack of cards and catches the PDA when it goes flying. This leaves him with the book and a stack of cards. He then captchas the PDA, which would set the cards flying–except instead of flying, they fan themselves out into a deck for him. He now has 12 cards, only 2 of which have things in them. However, the PDA is no longer on the outside; in the past, that’s been problematic.

Since we now know about detecting collisions, he tries that… but his cards don’t have that option. He can switch between FIFO and FILO and that’s all.

I bet his eject button doesn’t have a safety on it, either. But that will have to wait for some other time. Imps are crawling through the house and yard; grandma’s ghost has merged with a sprite, and there is a portal to bizarre other worlds above the ceiling.

Obviously, It’s time for John to read a book.


	34. Blood Loss in the Big Easy

John is going to read the Wise Guy [book about Harry Anderson](https://www.homestuck.com/story/629).

It comes with a newspaper article. You know what that means, right?

That means “converted text under the cut,” and real liveblogging starts in my next post.

**An Introduction: Who’s This Wise Guy?**  
**“Blood Loss in the Big Easy”**

Photo caption: _Harry and I never speak anymore._

New Orleans, 1977. The close-up room at the Magic Castle was this mean little box that tended to fill up with so much smoke you’d swear someone was cremating a wet dog in there.

In walks Anderson. There isn’t much that gets liquor to pause its journey from the table to my lips but I’ll be the bastard lovechild of a listless octoroon if that kid wasn’t the cat that swallowed the canary in a dapper little hat. It looked like he was testing the tensile strength of his suspenders to the damn near limit with a pair of cocky thumbs. I wasn’t impressed.

But I was a fool.

Somehow in my motion for another beverage he’d already slipped into polite conversation at a table held down by some notoriously brusque regulars. He had them in no time flat. They were melting butter in his glass ramekins. Whatever tidy yarn he’d spun to win them over, I didn’t catch a word of it. One of them laughed. I was angry. Envious? Maybe a little. Yeah, you bet I was.

Anderson had one of those little wooden finger choppers that Micky Hayes used to sell. The kind where the blade could be removed and clearly shown. It was a very convincing little guillotine that did not look like a novelty store toy. Harry would get a guy to examine the chopper and then cut a cigarette in half. Then he held the guy’s hand up and told this silly story. The story of course was artifice, a distraction for the guy and the audience while he worked his stuff with the chopper.

Or it would become that, once his famous chopper trick was perfected, vaulting him into fame, fortune, and then the crowning position in the television judiciary.

With what became his signature aplomb, Anderson was in moments a font of breast-pocket gauze, profuse apology, and redoubling determination. It’s really amazing how hard it is to find a bloody sausage-sized piece of a guy on the floor of a room that dark and smoky. Impossible, I think we all proved. Just as impossible as Blind Willie Buttermilk Stubbs was going to find it to work his trumpet tomorrow night without his “twiddlin’ fingers”, a


	35. Card Tricks

John notices there’s something odd about a biography written by someone who is obviously not a good friend of the subject, but John, whose intellectual capacity is capable of turning six sylladex cards into two, does not care about the text; he has the book for the diagrams of the magic tricks.

Like this one: [Hole in the Ace](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002530&t=YjU4OTcyMGI2MWZhOTg4ZmQ1NjZiMWI2YjkwNTlmYjU0ZjNkMGI0ZSw1VWROQjVXdw%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F95525729343&m=0), also known as the A-Hole Trick.

Aaaaand you people are lucky, because I don’t feel like transcribing another page tonight, especially one that has clear enough text on its own.

The trick involves punching holes in cards, and then sliding them around a bit so the audience can’t see the holes, or sees one in a different spot or on a different card. This takes actual sleight-of-hand to accomplish, which puts it firmly in the category of “card tricks I never bothered trying to learn.” I learned a number of them that involved math or tracking the movement of a specific card; I didn’t bother with anything that required dexterity.

John can’t do those either. Great. So we have something in common.

However, John gets An Idea! from the card trick. He _has_ some cards with holes in them, and not all of those holes line up.

He stacks his hammer card on top of his pogo-ride card, resulting in a different pattern of punches.

John, having all the foresight and trepidation the gods give hatchling turtles on island beaches, decides to shove the resulting cardset into the totem lathe.

Well. I can see no way this could go horribly wrong.

True to form, the lathe [produces a totem](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002532&t=NTk2YjRlZjc1Y2NiMTQ0OWNmYjA1OGJlMmI2NzcwNzMzZTJjYmMzMSw1VWROQjVXdw%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F95525729343&m=0) with a different pattern of bumps and dents, whose main similarity to the others is that, like them, I do not have one on my desk. He’s going to take it to the alchemiter.

I pause here to consider what it could be.

  * **Nothing at all** \- flash of light and fizzle of energy, waste of grist, and no results. Boooorrrrring. For literary reasons, rather than anything related to physics (even the hypothetical physics that controlls sylladices and cruxite), this is the least likely result.
  * **Pogo-ride with hammer-shaped horns** , or similar merging of the cards. Unlikely for both literary and physics reasons.
  * **Some weird object we haven’t seen before** \- John acquires a deteronic frombotzer. Plausible from both a literary and cruximable physics standpoint.
  * **Wacky Event of Plotliness** \- the result explodes the house, or teleports TG in to help, or creates a rift that widens the magic gateway over the ceiling to something he can reach without a ladder. I suspect this is not what happens.
  * **Something Else** , which I am too distracted to think up at the moment. My vote’s on this one.



John heads to the [alchemiter, which is littered with hammers](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002533&t=YjI4NDNhMTMzZGY5OTY1OTYwMjc1ODY5ODEwMDhjNWMzNGFiMjJjNSw1VWROQjVXdw%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F95525729343&m=0). John kicks them out of the way so he can make a Really Cool Sweet Whatsis.

10 blue grist and 16 purple grist later:

John has a [pogohammer](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002534&t=NWU0ZjQ4MWJkZjAzYTQxZWZjMWRlZWU2ZmFmNWUwMjQzOTNmOWYzMCw1VWROQjVXdw%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F95525729343&m=0), closest to Option B in my list above. Huh. So throwing two cards together gets you a single device that is obviously a combination of them. In this case, it’s a hammer with spring-loaded heads and a caterpillar-thingie on top.

I will note that my screencap of the above was labeled “pogohammer,” and sure enough, in the next screen, John [siezes his new weapon](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002535&t=NmQyNWFhNmMzYWE3M2MyYThkZDFhNWIwY2M0OGMyN2QwZTFhNWE1OCw1VWROQjVXdw%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F95525729343&m=0) and begins to practice with it.

John proceeds to dance around the alchemiter, boinging the surface with the springy hammer parts, and squeeing at Rose through Pesterchum.

Rose does not know what Night Court was. I am, I suppose, unsurprised at this. It occurs to me that I don’t know if the majority of Homestuck fans know what Night Court was, although I guess many of them will have tracked down some episodes, or at least YouTube clips, to follow the references. I won’t need to do that; I loved Night Court.

John, done with conversation with someone who does not understand the important things in life, wallops on the nearest imp to find out how strong the hammer is.

[Result](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002537&t=NTE2MGI5MDM5NThjODhmY2NhZThiM2M0YzBiZDkwY2JkZTUxOWQ0MSw1VWROQjVXdw%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F95525729343&m=0): 1 large blue, 1 small blue, 1 large purple crystal. Also, one pogo ride bouncing through the air, and one John bouncing over the alchemiter. Presumably, the hammer will double as a bouncy landing device.

The pogo ride flies up over the roof, well above the platform Rose has built to give John access to the gate/portal/doorway thing. There is an imp waiting on the top of the platform.

Pogo ride falls. There are imps [kinda everywhere](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002539&t=NmI3ZDk4NjQ2YjgzNTMzNjdlYjU1YTJhMmRhMjI2MjA1N2I3YTYzNyw1VWROQjVXdw%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F95525729343&m=0). Hm, and hammers. I’m not sure that’s a good combination of items to be strewn around the house, even if John is (hopefully) leaving it soon to wander off into some other dimension, in which there are supposed to be trolls.

There are trolls, right? They’re not some weird joke you guys play on your unsuspecting friends to get them to read this thing?

John, flying through the air, is about to fall through a hole in the platform, when Rose manages to insert his bed just in time.

However, John kinda needs to wake up, because the GIANT IMP FROM THE ABYSS is [inside the house](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002541&t=YmMzNWJmMzczNDZkODY0YTUyNDI0NzZmYmUzODQ4OGVhZDRiNmVhNyw1VWROQjVXdw%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F95525729343&m=0).

And oh look… below the tree where the pogo ride landed, which has a tire swing, another GIANT IMP is crawling out of the abyss.

John better get a move on.


	36. John Sleeps Around

Rose pesters John, who is [very comfy on the bed](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002543&t=N2Q2YmU3ZmFiZGRiNmYzNTExZGMxZGQ0MjNhZDhhYjYwOGFmMWY5OSxXMkg1dVdYbA%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F95587714903&m=0), probably because he is not FACING it so it is not BLINKING RED AND BLACK in front of his face, and why the hell did Firefox remove the “escape” option of turning off animated gifs and what was the name of that plugin again?

Oh yeah. [SuperStop](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Faddons.mozilla.org%2Fen-US%2Ffirefox%2Faddon%2Fsuperstop%2F&t=YjJhMTFjZTMwOGY0ODk2NTk0NzY5YTk1ZjRmZjRmNTUxZGRmZmY1MCxXMkg1dVdYbA%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F95587714903&m=0) adds a Shift+Esc option to stop animations. YAY. John’s bed is now red, but not flashing at me anymore while I read the Pesterlog.

John wants Rose to just lift it up to the Gate. Rose points out that she can’t drag him around, and can’t interact directly with anything he’s touching.

Rose says the game probably considers that to be cheating. I have my doubts; probably that was considered to be _too difficult to code_ ; it would require they set up a hierarchy of protocols: if both the player and the remote-access-admin person grabbed an item to move it in different directions; whose action would succeed? This way is simple: all actions succeed; admin cannot take action while a player is directly attached to something.

John is going to rest on the bed for a while, maybe take a nap. Rose points out that no, he needs to stay aware of the dangers and pick up his hammer…

_Stay alert! Trust no on! Keep your laser handy!_

Rose doesn’t know how long it’ll be until Dave comes through with the game (if he will at all), and has some things to try while waiting for him.

John, whose keen sense of self-preservation has already been noted, takes a nap. This will apparently involve flash and sound, so I will turn on the speakers.

Aww. Pretty [mellow lullaby music](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002544&t=ZGVmNzNhY2U2ODBiNTQ4NTdiODhkYjA1NDM1MDVmNDczMTIzZmNkMCxXMkg1dVdYbA%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F95587714903&m=0). John nods off to the spirography thing, which combined with the mellow music, reminds me of the Glitch meditation orb. There’s an album I can get someday, right? As soon as it wouldn’t be spoilery for me.

Meanwhile, Rose checks the Alchemy Excursus, which tells her that [pogo ride] + [hammer] = [pogohammer]. This is presumably an index of known results in picture form.

She believes this would let her captcha items, send John the code for those items, and let him make them with the totem lathe/alchemiter combo. She tests this by [captchaloguing the Sburb server CD](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002546&t=Y2Q2NDdjNmFmZDc5OWQxMzRiMDRiMTk1YjAxNGNlZTBhM2IxMTRmYixXMkg1dVdYbA%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F95587714903&m=0).

She attempts to send John the Captcha code. There’s a bit of a problem.

Hm, I can’t tell if the problem is “card contains no numbers and just colorful wavy line patterns and therefore no data that’s easy to send to John,” or if the facepalm moment is related to [what’s going on outside](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002548&t=N2FlYzJkYzdiN2VlMTUzMWE0OTU3ZjVjNzI4Y2VkOWQzMmQzODE4NCxXMkg1dVdYbA%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F95587714903&m=0), which looks like an apocalypse of flaming doom.

Huh. Yep, it’s related to the flaming doom situation, not the card situation. The generator goes kaput and the laptop screen goes blank. Because, what, her laptop is a Dell and doesn’t recognize its battery, like mine? No, wait; she was almost out of power when she came down here. And it’s been, ah, several minutes only maybe? Her laptop has not recharged any?

John dreams of the silhouette of Bob, clouds and cake, Harry Anderson, and some dark silhouette I don’t recognize

(Yeah, that’s picspam heavy. Cope. I like the light blue floating images flash effect.)

The dark sillhouette looks kinda like a person. Maybe that’s GG’s sillhouette?

John sits up to the PDA pestering him. And a good thing, too, ‘cos an imp is sneaking up from behind.

The Pestering is coming from GG, who [exhorts John to stay positive](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002552&t=ODc2Y2E5ODY2Yjg3YTUxYmYyOGJkM2ZlZGIwMGE1NTQxNDc0Y2NkMyxXMkg1dVdYbA%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F95587714903&m=0) and listen to his grandmother’s advice.

John does not recall mentioning Nanna to gardenGnostic. GG waffles a bit. John, ever as sharp as the average bowl of wet mice, posits that maybe GG spoke to Dave or Rose and learned about it from them. GG readily agrees.

Dun dun dun.

GG admits that she knows some Things that she wants to explain to John, but is waiting for the right time.

GG says the meteor thing she mentioned before is going to be alright, and she wants to tell him things, but she can’t, because he has to wake up first.

Soh, ah… John is having this conversation with her while he’s asleep. (Dave and Rose have mentioned that GG is a bit spooky, but John brushes them off.)

I’m guessing that John wakes up, and entirely forgets (or forcibly ignores) that he was asleep for that part, and just remembers the info itself.

John grabs the pogohammer and gets ready to pound some imp ass. Or head. Or whatever parts of imps wind up pounded, when Something Strange Happens.

[ ](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002553&t=NzNjNzg3N2MzMjQ4ZmM2MzBiMGI5MTkyZWY5NDIyMjg5MzBlZmNhNSxXMkg1dVdYbA%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F95587714903&m=0)

Half the image is missing. We see the top part of a… tree? Over a green… mushroom? With a chimney?

Maybe I should just click to the next page.

NO. NO I SHOULD NOT CLICK. Next page is full of GIANT IMP FROM THE ABYSS, crawling up the outside of the house to the grey platform.

[Terror makes strange bedfellows](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002555&t=NWFiMDZlNThiY2YxOWJkNDNkMzc1MDE5NDQ5ZGNmZjVjODJjYzRiNixXMkg1dVdYbA%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F95587714903&m=0).

John wants to know why Rose isn’t dropping something on it. He does not bother pogohammering the imp hiding behind the bed with him.

I think I’ve read this fanfic, only it was Tony Stark and Loki hiding from Thanos. (Or maybe I didn’t read it. Someone should write that. It probably happened offscreen earlier in the story, when John’s Dad, aka Loki, went missing.)

John becomes the imp (I have no idea how that works) and jumps off the platform, using an umbrella to slow his fall, and goes to his Magic Chest (which Rose dropped on the roof a long time ago) to prepare for a Boss Battle. This is, presumably, a gamething related to video games of the kind I do not play. (I know what boss battles are. The last game I played that had them, was Super Mario Sunshine. I gave up on most of the boss-things early and just opted to explore.)

Oh noes! The magic chest has been emptied! It’s like dozens of imps crawling around the house and grounds might actually TAKE STUFF if they’re not stopped. Where’s the Nannasprite with her hand-smacking wooden spoon when you need her?

Nextup: a set of images showing [imps in action](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002558&t=MDg4ZDgxNDRmMjAzODg1N2M2ZjZkOWFmNGY4N2NkZWI0OGU1ZTE2OSxXMkg1dVdYbA%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F95587714903&m=0). I don’t think I understand this part. (I am not good with picture-based stories. I like text. A lot.)

Picture 1: Imp at the foot of the tree, which has a limb that’s been torn off or broken. The tree is on a bit of earth that’s separate from the house.

Picture 2: Foot, or at least pixie boot, of the GIANT IMP, using John’s window as a ladder. This gives us a sense of scale of the GIANT IMP: its boot is about the size of John’s bed.

Picture 3: An imp, not the same one (different colored hat) climbing the tree with the pogo ride stuck in its branches. The tire swing hangs from somewhere above. The GIANT IMP’s boot can be seen leaving the window.

I think these are showing us the motion as it climbs?

Back to John, who is being “ambushed” by the GIANT IMP. We can only say “ambushed” because John has been both obtuse and oblivious; any more conscious person would’ve recognized this was coming a while ago. John, quickly ascertaining his lack of combat skills and equipment, and not believing the GIANT IMP is here for polite conversation and maybe to watch a magic trick, heads off to [higher ground](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002560&t=ZDQwNzBhM2UxYjEwYTdlZmMzZTE4Yjc2ZjVjYWEzYWI3MWRlYTkxYixXMkg1dVdYbA%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F95587714903&m=0).

Okay, um… now what?


	37. John: Not a Coward. Dave: Rooftop Ninja.

At [this point in the narrative](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002560&t=M2Q3YjgyMTc0OTI4ZGFhNjE1NWZjNTIwOWIxMmUzNWIxZDdkZTY3OCwzaVptOHZvTQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F95648394178&m=0), I will pause to insert a (very old, not very funny) joke:

A man goes on vacation, and arranges for a neighbor to take care of his house and aging mother. A few days later, he calls the neighbor and says, “how’s my cat?”

“Your cat is dead,” says the neighbor.

“WHAT? My cat is DEAD?”

“Yeah, she ran into the road, and–”

“You just– I can’t believe you just TOLD me like that, with no warning! you should’ve been more considerate! Not just tell me right out like that! You should’ve said, oh, something like, ‘your cat is up on the roof,’ and tomorrow when I called, you could’ve said, 'she’s still stuck up there,’ and then the next day, you could’ve said, 'I’m sorry; she died.’ And then I would’ve been prepared.”

“I’m sorry, dude,” the neighbor said. “I wasn’t thinking.”

“That’s okay; we’re good. Thanks for looking out for the house and all that. So, how’s my mom?”

The neighbor pauses.

“Your mom is up on the roof.”

* * *

John is… up on the roof. Hopefully he is not like the cat.

John wallops the little imp with the pogohammer and peeks over the edge of the roof… toward the abyss, which has nothing visible, instead of toward the house, which has a pair of GIANT IMPS that are really, really close.

Maybe that’s good. He’ll have a firm awareness that jumping would be a bad idea.

He [looks down, down, down](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002562&t=ODlmNTRkNGQzY2ViMWRmYjdiYjQ3YWU5YjdlMzZjOGFhYzFjY2M0ZCwzaVptOHZvTQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F95648394178&m=0) into the abyss, and sees the lone tree… that used to have a set of handcuffs on a branch. Presumably an imp made off with them. John grumbles about that. (He does not seem to notice that the presence of the imps was caused by his own impatient activation of the Doomsday Devices.)

John turns around, possibly because he hears something. He sees two GIANT IMPS Crude Ogres, one of which has the Sassacre book, and the other of which is carrying the tire swing.

John, whose self-analysis skills are just as good as the rest of his intellectual talents, decides it’s time for ACTION. Is that action: “leap for the Gateway,” or “scamper back down the ladder and find a nice tiny walled basement,” or “jump into the abyss using an umbrella to slow his fall?” No! This is John Egbert, adopted slave-son of Loki Egbert, and he will FIGHT these monsters!

Most likely, he will be turned into John-colored paste on the rooftop platform, but hey, he has a sylladex with 8 open slots and a pogohammer! He is READY FOR THIS CHALLENGE!

The text says, in red so we know it’s serious:

> where doing it man  
>  where MAKING THIS HAPEN

John is ready!

The narrator, however, is not. The narrator has decided it’s time to visit Dave again. Probably just for a couple of minutes.

The last time we did something for “just a couple of minutes” it took something like 150 pages to get through, so I’m not expecting to see the John/Ogre action (erm, that was probably an unfortunate phrasing) anytime soon.

Dave stops “being the other guy,” whatever that means, and [reads the note](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002564&t=MTExNzY1ZTg2YTQwZGM5YzRhMjlkNWZkNjQzNjRkNTJiNzFiMTEwYywzaVptOHZvTQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F95648394178&m=0) while standing near a large pile of nekkid puppet body parts. He also decides to ascend to the highest part of his building, which action will involve flash, not gif, animation, and sound.

Activate speakers. Turn off game noises.

Dave reads the note from his bro:

It has typos. (I hope those are typos; the meaning gets really weird if they’re not.) They are the *same* typos that John is facing. Or thinking. Timeloop problems? Bro has a tardis? (And telepathy, because John didn’t receive a note?) Or just a nice moment of literary synchronicity wherein two characters, good friends, have the same emotional response to a challenge?

YOU DECIDE! Because fuck if I can figure out what’s going on here.

[Dave jumps around](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002565&t=MmI5MzYyMjQ1ODU1ZGYzNmY4YTk4YmU1MWRkNmE1M2Y1MzAyZTFlNCwzaVptOHZvTQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F95648394178&m=0) the room, gathering up parts faster than I can read, grabs Cal, and draws his sword. He heads into the hallway to climb the stairs up to the roof.

One footstep. Another. Another. All to the tune of Action Music that lets us know this is an important, suspense-building scene.

When he gets to the roof, he notices that the weather is a bit unusual:

However, he doesn’t say anything. Doesn’t think anything, yet, because that’s not how the flash-movie part of this story work. He just stares out over the fiery landscape and watches a few buildings in the distance sink into the heat.

Then he gets distracted by other things, because the fast-moving dark silhouette grabs Cal again. (I’d screencap it for you, but I missed it the first time through, and I don’t want to rewatch the whole thing again. I couldn’t find an equivant of gif-explode.com for flash movies.) Dave draws his katana and leaps to the other roof!

Then the camera pulls back to show him alone on the roof, swinging his sword, and the screen blanks and the word PSYCHE! fills our vision, and…

Cut to new person, who matches the silhouette we saw in John’s dream:

I’m guessing this is gardenGnostic, because (1) she matches the silhouette we saw when/just before John was talking with GG, and (2) she is surrounded by plants, on shelves held up by flowerpots. At least, I think those are MS Paint plants, and not alien genitalia on sticks. Yeah, we’re going with plants. Also, there’s a pumpkin with either a stylized demon-head or an even more stylized arrow pointing down.

It is sunny where she is. Or else she has a large “sunny day with pleasant clouds” mural in her room.

She has an atom symbol on her t-shirt, and her hair is black and she is either wearing a black pointy-edged hat or she has a really weird hairstyle. She has round glasses and an overbite. Her pants are too long, or else she’s wearing a floor-length skirt with a line of off-center buttons.

So far, I like her. That could just be because she’s smiling. Not enough people in this story smile.

Okay, I should unfreeze the flash at this point and find out what happens next.

“What happens next” is apparently a white screen (in silence), followed by the words O WAIT, followed by X2 DOUBLE PSYCHEOUT COMBO!!

This is followed by…

YAY! I like Wandering Vagabond. Chibipaw told me he was showing up soon. (She’s allowed to give me spoilers that get me to post more often.)

Hmm. WV is in the room with the cans of food - Beans, Mustard, Gravy, and something beginning with COM that I can’t read the rest of. There’s sand on the floor, and the book… and a dessicated pumpkin.

The pumpkins are kind of a Thing, here, aren’t they? That’s okay. It’s less than three weeks from [Zilloween](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.glitchthegame.com%2Fcalendar%2Fyear-38%2F%23Remember&t=ODI2MjA5NjcwZjkxYTg0OTE0ZDliZDE4MWUyODMxNTk5MjE0NGYxZCwzaVptOHZvTQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F95648394178&m=0), so maybe I should search for enough pumpkins to put together a nice Zilloween post around the 11th of September.


	38. I have no can opener and I must eat

It’s time for a scene with: My Favorite Homestuck Character! That sneaky fellow who looks so much like a Glitchen NPC it makes me want to simultaneously weep and squeal with joy. Compare:

to 

If he had a package (and maybe a veil) I’d be certain he wandered out of Ur and into John’s life.

(It is possible that WV predates Glitch. Do not try to confuse me with facts. Smugglers transcend time and space; that’s why they have portals to jump through.)

Homestuckly narrative is now [focused on the Wayward Vagabond](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fgame%3Dsave%26s%3D6%26p%3D002566&t=MTEwOWM3NTM3NGRmNGM0NzcyMzEzZWE0M2M2Njk1NWI5YTdlNDE2Yyx6Y250amlheA%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F95985204808&m=0).

“Retri…” it says– but the Wayward Vagabond _already has arms_!

Yeah, you get extra stills of WV ‘cos I think he’s adorable. And hey, he has a tattoo. Is it… _THE DARK MARK_?!? (Or rather, _THE LIGHT MARK?_ ) Oh noes! But wait; we have seen WV be helpful (erm, sort of), and while he was damned rude at first, he got more polite after he got an etiquette book. He’s apparently one of the good guys, despite his propensity for insults and giving orders and disinclination to spend time socially with other people.

Obviously, the Wayward Vagabond is Snape.

Sna WV goes to check out the pumpkin. _What pumpkin?_ … hm, plz to ignore the smattering of pumpkin bits on WV’s facemask. No pumpkin here. At least, not anymore.

Then he goes to check out the red bar under the spirography thing, which is likely a measurement of either progress or remaining fuel. I’m guessing remaining fuel for something.

Sure enough, WV believes it is the gauge for a power cell, perhaps a nuclear one, given the atom-ish symbol in the center of the spirography symbol. (Homestuck is atomic powered?) WV cares not for nuclear power. [WV is hungry](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002569&t=NGFmMzM3OWFhNjc5N2QxMmZjM2ExY2IxMzE1YWU2M2U4YWI5MjQyNCx6Y250amlheA%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F95985204808&m=0), and surrounded by several cans of food. Hopefully, WV does not think the flowerpot and sprig are food.

WV goes to captchalogue the can of gravy. This I gotta see–what kind of sylladex does WV have?

NONE! WV has no idea what captchaloguing is. WV opts to “pick up” the can of gravy, rather than confining it to some kind of card-based storage device.

WV is looking like the sensible one in this story.

Now WV has a can of gravy. And is hungry. There is no can-opener visible. WV, however, is not human, and uses his sharp teeth to open the can.

Hm. WV is not that inhuman, apparently. His teeth are [blunt like that of livestock](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002572&t=Yzk3NjUwYzQ4MTVhMjA2YzExZWUzNDk5YjkxMzg2OTE0NTI0OWMwMix6Y250amlheA%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F95985204808&m=0), and not the kind of livestock that can chew through unopened cans. WV is apparently not an imp, nor an ogre; those have sharp teeth. (WV does, however, have imp-like four-pointy-fingered hands.)

WV attempts to open the can with his fingers. Yeah, I can guess how that’s gonna go. Hussie has obviously read _I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream_.

Sure enough, WV taps and scratches at the can to no avail. He has pointy sharp fingers, and apparently a carapace, but not enough strength to poke through a metal can.

He also grabs the can of beans, and looks at the custard.

Only, that was “mustard,” not custard. Fine. He now has three cans of food, and his arms are full; he really can’t go around carrying all three of these in front of him. He needs a container.

He looks to the mark on his wrist, because obviously, that’s where he keeps his tattoo-based communicator. That, or being Snape, he’s going to use it to call a Death Eater meeting and grab Malfoy’s wand and summon himself a backpack to put all these cans in.

(Why do I think that the mark is likely some kind of sylladex device? Time to leave the page with [WV holding cans](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002575&t=ZTdlOGI1NDBlZjZlYjczM2Y5NWUyZjljMGY5OWFhZmRiMTMzYmNiZSx6Y250amlheA%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F95985204808&m=0) and find out.)

He drops all three cans to look at his wrist. So far, this procedure seems very similar to consulting a sylladex.

It is maybe not a sylladex. Is some kind of bar-code pattern in a 3x3 grid that makes him uncomfortable to think about, so he switches to the potted plant.

I have included the barcode pattern, above, so we can now contemplate the hidden symbolism therein. Perhaps I should blow it up, rotate it slightly so the lines are straight up and down, and put it through a barcode reader.

Hm. As much as I’m told Hussie has packed secret symbolisms and hints and sly references all through Homestuck, I think I’m gonna pass on this one. I suspect that Hussie wimped out and just did some basic lines in a grid, instead of grabbing nine barcode versions of Secret Number Codes, shrinking them down to about 30x30 pixels each, putting them in a grid, then tilting and arcing them to fit on an arm.

But hey, I could be wrong. Maybe Hussie *is* just that sneaky. I suppose I’ll have to wait to find out. WV, however, is done looking at his arm and is going to check out the small potted plant.

… What plant?

(WV is obviously very hungry.)

Having exhausted the easily edible contents of the room, WV is ready to tackle the book of Human Etiquette. Especially since [half the pages have been eaten](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002579&t=ZmNjYzIzODY0YjJkZWZlOGNhYzZjNTJlNWZlNjFkNDcwZmZlYzQwMix6Y250amlheA%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F95985204808&m=0) and the book is lighter than it used to be.

Note to self: Do not get between Wandering Vagabond and plant matter. Snape obviously turned all his ferocity into a vegan lifestyle after his secret escape from the HP series.

WV is uncertain the book has much nutritional value, but it has great educational value. It teaches the use of the fork much better than Ariel’s seagull friend; there is not even a hint that forks might be a hair-care device.

WV, reminded of his hunger, gets all the cans out of the purple storage cache. He has BEANS, MUSTARD, GRAVY, BREAD, SHRIMP, ASPARAGUS, CHEESE, RICE, CORN, PEAS, FLOUR, CHESTNUTS, MAYO, HAM, POTATOES, and SQUASH. All of which are inaccessible to him, locked away in cylindrical cages. He searches the room for a can opener. He [does not find one](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002582&t=ZmVlODYxZDEyMDU0NWE0NTExMGE3ZWU0OTNlNzFhNjlmNzBhMGYyNSx6Y250amlheA%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F95985204808&m=0), so looks for some other sharp object that can be used as a substitute.

WV has a TRUSTY KNIFE! And by “trusty,” he means “wrapped in cloth so it won’t cut him when he tries to use it, and by "knife,” he means “broken piece of something sharp.” Probably a piece of aluminum siding.

(WV, while possibly sensible, is looking extremely low-tech inclined here. Hm. Snape apparently fell on hard times after those centaurs rescued him from the shrieking shack. Everyone knows their medical services are a bit wonky from the human perspective. People come out… changed.)

Turns out the TRUSTY KNIFE is from some mailbox-arm thing (so, yeah, not too far off in the “aluminum siding” guess, and possibly this is a bit of John’s former house, because WV is from “years in the future but not many”); it doesn’t have the strength to open cans. WV may be stuck here, slowly starving, unless he can…

[BE THE IMP](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002584&t=MGY4MTEzOWNjODM2MTg2YTlkYTBkZjQ4OGQ5OTE0MTQyMWZkYmYwNCx6Y250amlheA%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F95985204808&m=0).

There is no imp here. WV is not sure what an imp is. Certainly, he is not going to “entertain such frivolous and childish ideas” (does anyone doubt that this is Snape in disguise?). He is not going to be the imp, and will not be chewing open the cans with sharp imp-teeth.

Instead, he becomes Mayor of Can Town, constructing a village of cans and book and flowerpot-with-knife. He has made a sash out of some old cables, and stands joyfully in front of all the citizen-cans who are gathered to laud their glorious leader.

[WV contemplates mayor-ness](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002586&t=Y2Y2N2UwMmM5OGQ2YWZmNGE4YWU1NjdlYzhmYTAxOGYzNDRmMmU2ZSx6Y250amlheA%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F95985204808&m=0), and democracy, and the parades that accompany them.

WV is losing it. The hunger pains are making him delusional.

He continues to contemplate how mayors are better than kings, which he hates. (No surprise there. After a decades-long stint with Voldemort, Wandersnape Vagasmuggler has to want some autonomy in the citizenry and accountability in authority figures.)

He goes off to explore the western realms beyond Can-Town, perhaps looking ot expand. The west corner/wall has… a can of maybe fuel, a box of crayons, and two glowing things: A bug in amber and a green something-or-other. It also has another purple cache. WV believes all four items on the floor are “useless.”

(I did warn you there’d be a lot of pics of WV, right? Just be happy Camstudio isn’t working for me so you don’t have to watch my screencap of glowing bug and whatever-that-is.)

WV attempts to use the green whatever, which turns out to be a rock, to open cans. MISTAKE! Green thingie is URANIUM.

What green rock?

WV then goes for the crayons, which turn out to be a 12-pack of Crayola Chalk. Hussie’s being bold, assuming Crayola won’t notice him or file a trademark infringement lawsuit. (Not that they could win… if Hussie had the resources to fight it.)

I do not, in fact, know if Crayola is prone to throwing lawsuits around like confetti. I just know that it’s a big company, and old, and has plenty of resources. I don’t know if it’s owned by or has any connection to Disney, Time-Warner, or Harlan Ellison, all of which are prone to the confetti approach to lawsuits. I will hope, for the sake of the story, that the use of Crayola’s logo for story purposes goes unremarked by anyone employed by Crayola, or if they do notice it, that they enjoy Homestuck and think it’s clever.

(I assume that, since I’m reading this several years behind the rest of you, no lawsuit has surfaced; yay.)

The box of chalk has 12, no, 10 (burp) pieces of chalk. [It is missing both the light and dark green sticks](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002591&t=Y2MzM2FhMGIyZTE2MDYzNWYwMWMzODM5ZGQ2YzYzYjAyZWE5MWIwOSx6Y250amlheA%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F95985204808&m=0), those being the ones that most closely resemble plants.

WV is ready to attempt the storage box; I, however, am ready to attempt sleep. Besides, if I sleep now, I can hope for enough WV-focused content for another entire post.


	39. Goin’ Down to Cantown; the Can’s a Friend to Me

Izzz time for… MOAR AVENTOORS OV DA WONDERING VEGETRON! Chibipaw informs me that there is plenty more of him (she’s allowed to give me some spoilers) and so I don’t need to wait to post so I can savor my brief time with him front-and-center of the story. I can post more, and still see more of him! Yay!

Also, today is National Bacon Day. (I would not kid you about something like this.) WV probably doesn’t eat bacon unles it’s green, or maybe near something green. My dad used to make us green eggs & ham when I was a kid (and more often, green eggs & spam, which I loved), and WV would probably gobble up the eggs, and maybe the ham or spam because it was touching the green eggs, and might have bits of green eggs on it.

(Scrambled. With a few drops of blue food coloring. If anyone cared. Which they don’t. Shaddap, I’m feeling all nostalgic today. Also someone brought me bacon in bed this afternoon when I was reading, so I’m in an awesome mood.)

Enough rambling. On to WV’s adventures [opening the second storage box](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002592&t=ZTQwODY1ZDdjM2E0MDBlOWMzMmU5M2ZkODYzMTM0MTM5YjlkN2VmZSxmWWI4ckE0RQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F96230504783&m=0), which is locked.

WV ponders that it must have a release mechanism, and the narrator instructs WV to examine the yellow storage container.

Yes, WV, fire will get most containers to release their contents.

Fortunately, while Snape recognizes the motor oil in the container, he’s too much of a wizard to think of any practical uses for it at the moment. However, as a wizard, he hates to see glowing things trapped (erm, don’t think too much about that one, okay? Wizards. Glowy lights. They’re, like, pals.) and goes to rescue the blinky lightning bug.

I miss lightning bugs. My kids have never seen lightning bugs, and this is a tragedy. I have considered paying the thousands of dollars it would require to drag us out into gotsforsekkin wilderness areas for a week or two so they could frolic (that’s a euphemism for “get sunburned and insect-bitten”) and meet the lightning bugs.

WV cannot figure out how to release the bug without crushing it. It is, after all, [embedded in amber](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002594&t=ZWVlMDg4NGEwYTg2ZjYzNTk1ZjZhYTkwNGRmZmNhYjJkNDM5ZTg4NixmWWI4ckE0RQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F96230504783&m=0), and blinking away quite fiercely.

Since he cannot free the bug, he will put it to work! It will be a light for DEMOCRACY and serve as the beacon of CanTown.

WV uses the crayons to draw roads and trees, now that the bug is lighting the village. The trees have blue leaves, because no more suitable color is available for them. (burp). He continues west (toward the wall where the bug was), and marks out sections of residential and commercial zones. Residential are white; commercial are… hmm, he cannot decide…

Narrator suggests using his own pee. [WV-Snape shakes his head](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002598&t=YTkzODFlYzE4MjQwMjY2MDIzMzI3MWEwMmVhNTQ2YmE3NWUzZmU1NixmWWI4ckE0RQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F96230504783&m=0). He is very thirsty and has had nothing to drink in a while, and also, he is not going to pee all over CanTown.

Narrator then suggests using motor oil. I hope WV rejects this idea as well, because the oil is not likely to stay in its little chalk-marked squares. Of course, if he does use it, and the oil leaks all over into the residential districts, that could be a fine metaphor about the nature of commercial zoning problems. So let’s see what he does.

Sigh. WV splashes oil into the empty squares of the checkerboard, smudging them with black and smattering some of the “residential” areas with black. Must be dirty motor oil. Clean motor oil is not black; it’s kinda whisky-colored. But unlike whisky, is not good with coke. At least, that’s what I assume. I am not speaking from personal experience here. In fact, I don’t like whiskey and coke either, so maybe motor oil would be an acceptable substitute.

Snape, fastidious as always, manages to pour noxious potions into 16 little squares without getting any on himself or smudging the whole chalk checkerboard-town-layout he’s got going.

Proud of the town he is creating, he grabs the label from the Mayo can and puts it on his sash, embellishing it with a bit of orange chalk:

Then he goes on a [quest for more terrain](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002601&t=OGZkYjg0YjY0ODc0NWQ1OWZjMjU4MjRhOThhZjdkYTBkNjk3N2M4YixmWWI4ckE0RQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F96230504783&m=0). And presumably, for food, or device/s that could open the second storage container. But his attention will be on the possibility of his finds being used to improve CanTown.

… No more territory. Sorry, Vagabond.

Since he has no more land to develop, he decorates the walls with sky-coloured chalk and white clouds, and a yellow sun in the middle of the storage container. He also adds a planet with a single moon. All this sky-and-space is so his people will be happy and comfortable.

The identity of his hypothetical people has not been revealed. I’m trying not to think about them.

[](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002603&t=NGQ0YTYxMWNhZDQ2NDQ1NzVlMzA4YTJhZWVjODMwNzc3Y2ZlNjhhZixmWWI4ckE0RQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F96230504783&m=0)

[ ](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002603&t=NGQ0YTYxMWNhZDQ2NDQ1NzVlMzA4YTJhZWVjODMwNzc3Y2ZlNjhhZixmWWI4ckE0RQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F96230504783&m=0)

Four more planets, with no moons. Earth-ish with flamestrike, earth-ish with yellow clouds, black cog with yellow center, and black splat with white clouds.

I’m sure these are relevant foreshadowing of something. They would make excellent sneaky Dreamwidth icons, which homestuckers would recognize and other people would be confused by.

On the remaining wall, PURPLE AND BLACK make up a veil of darkness, next to the monitor screen where John is thwapping the alchemiter with the pogohammer.

Yeah, you get a lot of pics of WV’s antics. I like WV. And when I read over this later, I want to remember what was going on, not just have to click on links.

If the Southern Darkness were a dragon, it’d be… oh, Magenta Ripple/Purple Current/Black Crackle. I’d say a spiral, since it’s all tangled-ish, but it’s more bulky than a spiral. Perhaps a male pearlcatcher; it has that little bead in the center (“Ominous Planet” with a moon) and the looping black cables remind me of a pearlcatcher’s wings. Kinda. Sort of. (For those who play Flight Rising: no such dragon yet exists. You should totally breed it and call it “WallOfDarkness,” and even HS fans won’t recognize it unless they follow this blog. For those who don’t: incomprehensible in-jokes are not going to be a rarity around here; plz to cope. Recommendations of fandoms I should direct my in-jokes at are welcome, but I’m not promising to use any of them.)

WV is [distracted by John](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002605&t=NGUzYTU4MjkwM2RjYzRiMzlkNWEzYTI3YmIzZDkzYmY2MmRjY2Q5NyxmWWI4ckE0RQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F96230504783&m=0). Dammit, chibipaw, you promised me lots of WV. I don’t want to watch John boinging around the alchemiter with his pogohammer. I already saw that part. The timelines are getting scrambled again.

WV decides John doesn’t need his help at the moment (whew) and John can’t help him (good conclusion, there), and he’s going to turn on the other 3 screens because… why? Why would more screens be more useful than scrounging up supplies for CanTown?

Oh, wait. Maybe the other three screens are Rose, Dave, and gG, whose name, if I’ve learned it, I’ve already forgotten. That might be kinda neat. Except at the time John is thwacking about with the pogohammer, Rose is in a mausoleum, Dave is cavorting with nekkid puppets, and gG is… gardening. Or something like it. I’m not sure I need to see any of those.

Fortunately for me, [WV doesn’t know how to turn them on](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002606&t=YTdhMGEzMmExM2RmZGVkMmRjZTMwMTljMjY3OTkxM2JmMmFhN2I3MixmWWI4ckE0RQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F96230504783&m=0). There’s a keyboard and a line with a blinky cursor, but he doesn’t know the commands. However, he will attempt to press the tab button to see if that changes things around.

The tab button unlocks the storage unit! Which is full of TAB!

Ahah. Hah. Very funny. Tab. For Tab. I get it.

It’s not quite as funny as the sylladex antics, but it’s close. I’d probably like the joke more if I liked Tab. Blech. (Fresca is the only diet drink I can tolerate.)

Wayward Vagabond is [in a pink-hazed bliss](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002609&t=MzhiNDg3OWVlMzBhOTczZjVhNjAxZjVlMDY0ZjdmNTc2YWVmNDhkOSxmWWI4ckE0RQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F96230504783&m=0), surrounded by tasty (presumably, anyway) drinks! Oh, the angst when he realizes they will not fill his hunger, and in fact, have NO CALORIES AT ALL, and also contain substances that have be found to cause cancer in laboratory mice.

Or, depending on whose story of the commercial wars you believe, have been associated with studies with data that has been rigged to imply that they contain substances that may cause cancer in laboratory mice, in order to destroy their sales and increase those of more mainstream soda companies.

WV goes on to [consume several cans](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002610&t=MWY1NjdiNGI4NDE4ZDYxMjRiMjNkYWVkZGIwYmYzMjFiYzMwNzMwZixmWWI4ckE0RQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F96230504783&m=0), and hopefully nobody with epilepsy follows Homestuck or its liveblogs, because dayam, that’s a lot of pink flashy blinky shit going on there.

WV thinks, “Whatever mighty wizard concocted this potion is truly deserving of your fear and respect,” reminding me, and the rest of you, that he is indeed a mage, and one who specializes in potions.

The empty cans are now citizens of CanTown. CanTown does not discriminate by capacity nor contents.

WV, who is fortified and probably on the edge of caffeine jitters, goes back to the monitor-etc device, and hits ESCAPE, which removes John from the screen and takes him back to a list of his previous commands, with the note =>VIEW TO RETURN. The arrow and View are in green, which Tumblr apparently won’t let me show you, and hopefully that mean WV won’t be able to eat them.

WV contemplates his extensive previous interaction with the machine, and considers it a waste of time.

[He scrolls all the way up](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2F%3Cp%3E%3D%3E%2520SWITCH%25202%3C%2Fp%3E&t=Mzk1ZGU0YWM3ZjJlMGYwODc2NDFkYzVmM2M3ZjE2MmE0ZjgzMWQ4NSxmWWI4ckE0RQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F96230504783&m=0), and above his commands are a handful of earlier ones (which end in “reboot,” which is probably why he could enter commands). Above WV’s saying “Boy/ You There Boy” etc, there is:

The Sburb tangram house logo above a dotted line. (That’s probably not a command.

  * => HOME
  * => VIEW
  * => SWITCH 2
  * => SWITCH 3
  * => SWITCH 4
  * => SWITCH 1
  * => ESC
  * => LOCK ROOM 3 PASS ********
  * => VIEW
  * => REBOOT



There’s color things going on; I’m going to ignore them.

WV, uncertain what any of that means, decides the best way to find out is to type stuff into the keyboard. He types “SWITCH 2.”

Switch 2 is Rose’s house. He gets to see the wizard, which he believes is some kind of “filthy beggar pleading for help.” The reception is staticky, probably from the meteor storm that WV doesn’t know anything about. He types SWITCH 3. If I’ve guessed right, that should be Dave.

Can I call ‘em or what? Surely this is proof that I am correct about WV and Dad Egbert’s identities.

The screen is, however, locked on that one moment, and just confuses WV, who declines to check out SWITCH 4 because it would ~~tell the readers actual info about our fourth PC~~ just confuse him more.

He types HOME.

Ohshit.

All four screens become one mega-screen, with a big Sburb house-tangram logo, and a COUNTDOWN.

Countdown timers are not happy things in this story.

It starts at 04:13:00 and counts down to 04:12:50 as we watch.

Well, that’s probably not too bad. Given how long it took the story to go through three minutes on the cruxite machine, four hours and change should get me up to the gigapause, right?

I may not get that long. WV types in REBOOT.

BWAHAHAHA NOPE. Activating the timer [disables the keyboard](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002618&t=NjRiNTA5ZTE5YTYxZmJmZTU2YWRhYzkxNjczYTY0NmEyMDFhNGI2NCxmWWI4ckE0RQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F96230504783&m=0). It’s all locked in from here, buddy.

Enjoy your cans while the meteor looms closer.


	40. Can You Find the Pumpkin In This Story?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was bribed with bacon to post today. (Note to readers: providing me with bacon, chocolate, or caramel-enhanced coffee is an excellent way to induce me to post.) While I am having fun watching [WV frantically smashing the keyboard](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002618&t=YTNhYTkwYjRjNmNiZGUxYjM4ZTFmN2IyMDQ4Y2JjZTIxY2NiMzQwOCxJQmFqMHpBNQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F96313463158&m=0), I suppose I should allow the story to move on.

WV sets aside the weirdness of the Sburb countdown, and focuses on what’s important: being mayor of CanTown. He creates employment opportunies for citizen cans. He does this by dismantling City Hall, dividing the cans into two opposing groups, and setting them against each other on a carefully-constructed battlefield.

He notes that when they have finished the combat exercise, they will be a “well-oiled machine.” Hah. Ahahah. Very funny.

WV wastes over 4 hours [playing chess with cans and dancing around CanTown](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002621&t=OTA2OGE2ZTRjZDY0ZDIxODQzNzJkYWE1MDA4YmMyYjg0ZDNhZGM1OSxJQmFqMHpBNQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F96313463158&m=0), over the course of a Flash video that lasts about 40 seconds. I am disappoint.

WV’s loading screen is not the familiar green tangrammy house, nor is it the familiar green-and-blue spirography symbol, but a 3x3 square of lines. This is, presumably, to let us know that WV’s narrative is not directly connected with the Sburb game narrative, or perhaps to let us know that WV’s tattoo will be VERY VERY IMPORTANT at some point, or maybe Hussie couldn’t remember what folder he’d stashed the Sburb logo animation in that day, and so he threw together something vaguely appropriate to the specific part of the story he was working on.

If I had an easy way to capture/save a flash video and break it down into parts, I’d try to track the actual moves of the chess game. I’m sure some HS fanatic has done this at some point in the past, so I don’t need to. (Somebody should confirm this for me so I don’t waste substantial time trying to screencap a flash movie chess game instead of making new posts.)

After playing the chess game, he dances around CanTown, and spends some time contemplating, and by contemplating I mean “staring at,” the glowing bug trapped in amber. (He’s probably trying to figure out if its wings are green so he can eat it.)

So much for all that time he had, which was supposed to take me through the next several hundred pages. Nope. WV is much more efficient in his time-wasting than John or Rose; no ten-panel runs to find internet access and a generator in a mausoleum for him; no sylladex antics involving razors or windows–just a bit of dancing, some Tab, a chess game of Yes He Can, and a glowbug. Poof, his four-hour prep time is gone, and he’s back to the ubiquitous 4:13.

Sigh.

WV does not care about the timer nearly as much as he cares about [the broken Tab can](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002622&t=M2QxOGMzNzgwYWU1NDUxMjUyYTRhNGY2ODA5MmI2NGExNGQ3OGE1NixJQmFqMHpBNQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F96313463158&m=0), which exploded under pressure–presumably, he shook it up (there was a lot of dancing and jumping around) and poked it with his fingerclaws, and that caused it to explode, spewing Tab all around the room and leaving a twisted, jagged wreck of a former can.

After mournfully contemplating the can, he wonders what happens when the timer reaches zero. He even gets as far as thinking that perhaps he should not be in the immediate vicinity when that happens; something in his life must’ve taught him that countdowns are best observed from a distance.

MINUTES IN THE FUTURE, says the storyline… we get a NEW CHARACTER. This is [Peregrine Mendicant](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2Fstoryfiles%2Fhs2%2Fwaywardvagabond%2Fbeneaththegleam%2F&t=MmU3YTc4ZTM0OTA1ZDlmMDQxNTAyNjY4OWJmZjU3YjlkZTMwNjZiOCxJQmFqMHpBNQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F96313463158&m=0), who apparently walks through the hot desert with a shopping cart full of mailboxes.

He looks friendly. At least, as friendly as anyone with dots for eyes can look.

WV, however, having not yet reached the Mendicant’s timezone (“minutes in the future;” does this game come with a timeline chart to keep all this stuff organized?), decides to go outside “to get some sun,” not “to escape from the probable explosion and subsequent raging hellfire of doom.” He leaves behind the book of Human Etiquette; he has learned all he cares to about interacting with humans.

As WV enters the ladder tube/tunnel to the surface, the door shuts behind him and a panel lights up. Overhead, he can hear a mechanical sound–possibly the Mendicant opening the door he came down.

Ah. No. The clanging sound he heard is a grill being placed over the end of the tube–he is going to be stuck in this underground room until, well, we don’t know, but probably after the timer goes off.

Maybe it just causes meteor explosions where John is.

The panel on the door (WV’s only real source of information right now) has three sections with a touchscreen. One, with an arrow pointing to it, has the Sburb house logo. One has the spirography logo that we’ve seen before. The other has a multitangled star-of-David thing.

Since we wouldn’t want to give the readers NEW information without thoroughly worrying them first, WV touches the spirography thing. This, I assume, relates to the gateway things above John’s house.

Maybe the interlaced six-point stars relate to trolls, since they have names with 6 letters. (I have had some spoilers, but not enough to figure out anything that’s actually going on.) Perhaps the house-logo will focus on active game(s) of Sburb (John & co), and the Spirograph logo will focus on Interdimensional Events (the gate that opened after John set off the cruxite thingie), and the stars will attach to the Realm of the Trolls, whatever that is.

Anyway, WV touches the spirograph, which spins to the top of the screen, but is locked. I guess we may be finding out what the stars-logo room is about pretty quickly.

When he selected the spiro-room, the floor beneath him twisted around while the door and wall stayed in place, knocking him down. He clicks in the “triangley fractal,” which turns out to be [not locked](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002630&t=MGQ0MGY0YWM0N2Q2Y2NlNTAxNDdmNGJjMjc1MDljZDhjMDE1ZjJiOCxJQmFqMHpBNQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F96313463158&m=0); the floor spins around 120° and the door opens.

So: the tube here is in the middle of three rooms, and the floor section spins around to face whatever room is selected on the panel. The spirography room is locked, so it just spun the floor all the way around.

I want a house like that. Nobody’s ever gonna let me build a basement with a ladder that goes to a tiny tube-floor that spins around to face you at whatever room you need. Especially since it’d be a lot more efficient to spin the tube, rather than the floor. Dammit.

WV [enters a new room](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002630&t=MGQ0MGY0YWM0N2Q2Y2NlNTAxNDdmNGJjMjc1MDljZDhjMDE1ZjJiOCxJQmFqMHpBNQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F96313463158&m=0), about the same size as the other one. Again, there is some kind of computerized control center; this one is focused on a globe, and has a screen with numbers attached to symbols. There is also a “meter stick,” which tells me that the Wandering Vagabond is not an American, because any USian would know that device as a YARDSTICK. Of course, since the Vagabond is Snape, he would think of a flat, number-marked wooden stick about the length of a man’s arm as a “meter stick” not a “yardstick.”

WV may not recognize a yardstick, but he knows a weapon-enhancer when he sees it. He attaches his knife to the stick. (Wait, didn’t he leave his knife in the flowerpot?)

Apparently he fetched it before he left, because he [creates a Measuring Spear](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002634&t=MjliOTI5MDE0YTk0YjYxYTVmZjE5NDQ3OWQ0NzUzMzU5NTMyYmUxYSxJQmFqMHpBNQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F96313463158&m=0) out of the two objects.

AHA! No, he IMAGINES creating the Measuring Spear, because as I thought, he _forgot his knife_ back in the other room.

WV is in a panic without his trusty knife. He distracts himself by further investigating his new surroundings.

On the other wall is a “perplexing contraption” which our faithful readers will recognize as an ALCHEMITER (upon the floor of which is the triangly-fractal symbol, so, huh, I had seen it before). He proceeds to poke it with a stick, because that is the proper course of action when one is equipped with a ruler and a scientific device of unknown providence or purpose.

Then he goes back to the control panel and presses the triangley-symbol button, as he recognize that it’s probably somehow attached to the device. The numbers on the screen go blank when he does so, and the screen fills with blue.

The button, or perhaps the combination of it and the numbers, [sets off the “APPEARIFY” command](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002638&t=YTk5OWMxY2M4NjUxMTcwNzQ5ZmYwMmM0NDk0Yzk3ZTYzZmExZmY4ZSxJQmFqMHpBNQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F96313463158&m=0).

This is followed by a flash of lightning and a familiar fruit of the _cucurbita pepo variety._

The narrative says WV is to “examine” the pumpkin, but I suspect that “examine” is a euphemism for “eat.”

Oh, wow; he actually looks at it before he ingests it. He considers that the machine must’ve dragged it from some other placetime in the timespace continuum, rather than making it exist out of nowhere. He considers how adjustable the Appearifier’s settings might be, and whether he could load in a place-and-time and grab whatever’s there. He also notes that the pumpkin has a symbol carved on it–perhaps some kind of stylized demon-head, or an arrow pointing downward. He’s pretty sure the symbol is irrelevant and won’t affect the flavor at all.

He pauses (must’ve filled up on Tab) and wants to know more about the machine before he eats its end product. However, he does nibble on the stem, which is a nice bright green.

He then [inspects the green buttons](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002641&t=MjU2MWRmYzhkZjJiMTQ5OThiN2YxMGU4Yzk0ODdmODdiZjlkMTIyNSxJQmFqMHpBNQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F96313463158&m=0), probably to figure out if they’re edible.

They are too flat to eat. Or at least, too embedded in the table/device. The buttons include the house-shape that we know is Sburb and WV has no idea what is, and one that seems to be the map, with an “X” in the center, where the tube/ladder is. He presses the button on the right, which seems to correspond with the alchemiter symbol, maybe, but I’m a little lost about the left-and-right thing here.

We have a circle with three card-shaped symbols (erm, room-shaped, I should say) with the sburb logo on top, the spirography thing to the lower left, and the alchemiter symbol to the lower right. Below those, we have three… markings. Holes, perhaps. Or buttons. With white smudges which might be intended to be symbols. If he is pressing the right one of those, I have no idea why that would have anything to do with a map of the facility. Here, you check it out:

Have I mentioned that symbols and I are not friends? That I can’t operate a smartphone with any degree of speed or confidence because I’m not quick to pick up new symbols and their meanings, especially when there are a whole bunch of very similar ones all crammed together? (The fact that I can instantly identify the 11 giant symbols from Glitch says a lot about how powerful an impact it had on me.) Anyway. I am not very good with picture-driven stories, so I may be missing something obvious and major here.

WV presses the green button on the right. I don’t know if that’s the alchem button or the thing down below it (which is not green, but then again, I don’t see the house symbol on the “left,” so I’m a bit lost here.)

The numbers change. No more pumpkins for you, buddy.

He considers that these are the coordinates for this facility and current time. He attempts to fiddle with the dials to make some kind of reference point.

Tweaking the lowest button, presumably for time, gets an image of WV dancing as mayor, maybe in a kind of instant-replay loop, over and over. (Visualization is my weakest magical skill. I prefer playing with numbers. Give me astrology over dream interp any day.)

The vagabond has a keen sense of direction and location; he knows exactly where he is and where he was, and uses the measurements on the human ruler to figure out what settings to use for the machine. (If that sentence didn’t make sense, well, I’m out of bacon and my interest in coherence is limited.)

He attempts to appearify his knife.

[Success!](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002644&t=OTIyMmFiYzAwMzhlYmEzYmI0MzAxZjc4MGM1Y2FiYTNlNjU4ZDA4MixJQmFqMHpBNQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F96313463158&m=0) He correctly interpreted the measurements, adjusted from where he is now to where his trusty knife is, and appearifies the knife in the flowerpot.

Then he appearifies CanTown, or at least, the collection of cans (but not the book), because that’s a lot more efficient than walking back to the tube, changing rooms, and picking them up. 

(There’s a countdown going on, doncha know.)

He attempts to put the pumpkin back, but this machine is an APPEARIFIER, not a DEAPPEARIFIER; it doesn’t go both ways. It is a monoappearifying machine.

He is then told to “carve spook schema” into the pumpkin, but those words mean nothing to him. He does use the knife to [cut the top off the pumpkin](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002647&t=MTViZjA4OGJmMjY0MThlOTg1ZmVhNGE0YmIzMWQ0ODY3OWQ3ZWU2ZCxJQmFqMHpBNQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F96313463158&m=0) to reach the tasty seeds and stringy pulp inside; fortunately, we readers are spared the sight, which is probably disturbing. It is not clear from the text if he ate the whole pumpkin or just the inside parts; I suppose we’ll find out later.


	41. Watch with a Millenium Hand and an Eon Hand

I shall continue. It’s late at night (well, late-ish), and I have work to get done, but… blogging is more fun than work. Is too hot to work. Is not too hot to contemplate alien-ish fellows roaming post-apocalyptic deserts in search of greenery.

WV [attempts to move the spirograph switch](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002648&t=MWEzNTU0OTE5MmY3NThlYTRiYTYxYjI4NWIzMTRlM2FjYzgxMGI3Nyw2cXh1c0xzbA%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F96338910923&m=0), but cannot; it is indented and may require a special key to turn it. It will remain pointed at Earth. Also, it becomes obvious that WV only ate the insides of the pumpkin; the shell and cap are still here, ready to be carved into a “spooky schema.”

However, WV does manage to solve one of his other problems: the trapped firefly. The Appearifyer (which I still think is a modified alchemiter) is capable of latching onto very small things, and I’m gonna just pretend it makes sense that WV has figured out the settings well enough to do this–he appearifies the firefly so it can fly around the room and glow at him. It lands on his hood.

The firefly is a “she,” and WV will assign her a name at some future point. Probably not “Blinky.” I hope not “Blinky.”

He [attempts to appearify the rotten pumpkin](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002651&t=MmFiMzdhYzY1ZDdiMjFiZDJkMTliODkxZTAwYTc0MWJmYzlmODZhNyw2cXh1c0xzbA%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F96338910923&m=0) from the past. Also, he has given the bug the obvious name: Serenity. He has decided she is a girl even though he is not certain fireflies can be girls. (Some species have both males and females that fly.) He attempts to appearify the pumpkin that he enjoyed so much so he can eat it again. This, however, would result in a TIME PARADOX, and instead of appearifying the pumpkin, he gets only a [gelatinous sludge ghost pumpkin](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002652&t=ODFjOGY2MDgzOTQ5NWI3MzFlOTJjOTUzNzY5MThiYTBiZmFhNWRhMyw2cXh1c0xzbA%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F96338910923&m=0) which, although green, is not tasty at all.

Poor Vagabond, living on Tab and pumpkin seeds. He apparently does not know the location of any can opener outside of the compound that he can appearify, so he’s going to try to appearify the grate that’s blocking his exit.

Serenity blinks at him with great urgency (I am going to pretend those are just “urgent blinks” instead of blinky Morse code that I’m supposed to interpret), reminding him that the timer is close to expiring. He tinkers with the coordinates again, adjusting elevation by 10 human measurement units.

Meters? Yards? Furlongs? Probably meters. He said it was a meter stick, and “about thirty-plus feet up” looks about right for the tunnel.

Something about the transport has heated the rods of the grate. Or the were hot up above. Or, ah, I dunno. But WV is about to head where those metal rods just were, and given what they look like right now, I’d be wary about that.

WV, however, is not wary. And besides, there’s a timer, that he’s not even bothering to look at, that he’s trying to escape; he heads to the exit in a flash.

Since he’s going there in a flash, I’ll need to turn on the sound and get ready to screencap anything that looks interesting.

He shoves many cans in the pumpkin; Serenity blinks messages in Morse Code at him.

(IS THIS REALLY NECESSARY???)

(THIS IS INCREDIBLY SILLY!!!)

He runs around gathering up things, and more things, and heads up to the ladder… only to fall down, parts crashing down all around him, and then beats his head and calls himself “dunce.”

He attempts the “5X CLIFFHANGER COMBO” and fails. He will have to find some other way to get out.

Then it says: We are doing it, man. We are making this happen.

(Cute. We had the badly-spelled meme version, and now we get the doesn’t-understand-human-activities WV version. WV’s misunderstandings have proper grammar and spelling.) (I like WV. A lot.)

He [ascends to the outside](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mspaintadventures.com%2F%3Fs%3D6%26p%3D002657&t=ZDA5NzZmZWNhMTMzMWI1NmQ3MTFhZThmZWNjYzk2ZDUwMWFjMWJlMiw2cXh1c0xzbA%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F96338910923&m=0), this time without all the drama. I turn on the sound so I can watch the video with music.

This goes on for some time, across empty yellow sands, with the camera pulling back to show a Sburb rocket taking off from the place WV and Serenity have just left.

That tube to the right has the spirography logo; it doesn’t look like they get clear before the explosion & rocket. But then, it didn’t look like John got clear of the explosion at his place, either.

(I kinda know what’s next, ‘cos I keep stopping the flash to screencap, and then clicking the “next page” link instead of restarting the flash–so I know what the next scene is, but not what happens next in the flash.)

Iiiinteresting. I froze the flash to screencap the rocket, and the bottom number–the little mountain one–is still increasing even though the flash isn’t moving. (The rocket flames are flickering, too. Huh. Quirk of flash programming, I guess.)

Oooh… I finally remembered to restart the flash after the rocket. They don’t get clear AND they don’t get blown up!

There’s a song for this! I didn’t realize Tom Smith was a Homestuck fan (odds are, neither did he), but his [Rocket Ride](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Ftomsmith.bandcamp.com%2Ftrack%2Frocket-ride&t=NDgwMjVhYTA1MDU5ZTAwZjhkOTc4YzA0MGI0MzExZDk0YTIxZjY1Myw2cXh1c0xzbA%3D%3D&b=t%3AGa8GYW6XNSmRixyOjvsRjA&p=https%3A%2F%2Felfstuck.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F96338910923&m=0) is perfect. (Or at least, is perfect for me right now; I need to hope for villains with style.)

Wheeee, Snape and Serenity (see, doesn’t that sound better than “WV and the Bug”) get to see the sky up close and personal-like, riding on top of a huge cylinder of FLAMING DOOM (at least, anything caught in the blast radius experienced FLAMING DOOM).

The head to a continent to the west, and years in the past. Hmmm. I think I see where this is going.

NIFTY TIME PARADOX LOOP ANTICS. WV gets to be the meteor of FLAMING DOOM that destroyed John’s neighborhood and brought all the imps.

Hm. I wonder if WV gets shattered into dozens of imps, or they came up out of the abyss on their own? No, they have pointysharp teeth, not blunt veggie-eating teeth.

Hey, how’s WV gonna get out of this in order to be back in the desert in time to send John messages? Or is he gonna be bichronotic, stuck in two times at once? Will there be a wobble in the space-time continuum when he catches up with himself? (But that’s years away.)

I suppose I should finish watching the moviething, hmm?

After the Sburb rocket lands/crashes, there’s a mushroom firestorm, then a crater, then sand/dirt filling in the crater, then a weird white tree grows out of the center of it.

Eventually, it flowers and drops a… something… onto the ground. I bet the something is important.

But we go back a bit to it flying overhead, as the SOMETHING MENDICANT (see how much attention I pay to details) wanders through the desert with his cart full of mailboxes.

Then there’s a montage-ish thing, with “across the westward ocean” and “years in the past (but not many”) and then “but not many” gets crossed out, and then a volcano, and then… we’re seeing space. And the spirography thing is spitting a huge rock out in space.

I did mention that visual storytelling is not my best medium right? I can only hope I’ll be able to put some of these pieces together to make sense later. (I should maybe bookmark this page.)

The volcano gets hit with a meteor (or something like it); spews lava all over, into a crater; the crater fills with… green things and a temple to a frog god.

I’m sure that’s very meaningful, somehow, and will make sense later. Probably much later. After much more rum than I’ve had. Obviously, this is a flash movie to be watched under the influence of better drugs than I have.

Eventually, the crater half-fills with water, as does much of the surrounding landscape; only the top of the temple, the volcano, and a ring of stones remain. The temple is slowly eroded by the weather (well, actually, is pretty damn quickly eroded by the weather, but I suspect we’re supposed to believe this happened slowly, over many many years, rather than in the space of eight seconds of flash movie). Pterydactyls fly over the frog temple, and then…

Rose is holding her hand over her face to block out the light of the meteor shower. She is pounding on the generator, trying to get it to work.

Flash bits: while I have the screen stopped (right-click, unclick the “play” option), she isn’t moving, but the red-and-yellow flames behind her continue to be animated and jump around. I think they’re just repeating a second or so of animation loop, but it’s really nifty to see her frozen and the fire raging behind her.

A tree falls to FLAMING DOOM, and lands so close she must leap away; the generator falls to the other side of the tree.

Rose’s mom watches from inside.

I have my suspicions about her true identity (and if I am correct, you people are going to be disappointed), but I will wait until I’ve had a few more interactions with her to be certain. There’s some shifty stuff after she appears, involving buttons and a ladder and maybe the laboratory across the street, but it all happens too fast for me to catch it, and I don’t want to watch the beginning scenes all over again.

Imps and ~~Loki~~ Dad Egbert play a game of follow-the-leader in a purple checkerboard room, wherein the leader wears handcuffs and the followers swing swords and other weaponry.

However, Dad Egbert, tricksy guy that he is, cannot be held by handcuffs. With a flick of his wrist and a muttered “cuff-b-gone” spell (I have to extrapolate that, since you can’t hear it over the music), the cuffs fall open, and he changes the game.

Dad Egbert, doing his best J.R. “Bob” Dobbs impression, wields a huge cake and a can of shaving cream. (Where was he keeping them? Is this where we place the “is that a can of shaving cream in your pocket or are you just happy to see me” jokes?)

The imps are terrified; they are apparently familiar with Dad Egbert’s cooking skills.

Cut to Dave, standing on the rooftop looking ninja-ish and awesome in the red swirling light.

But someone else is there, and he also has a sword; he wears triangular shades that reflect the demon-light in the sky. He’s standing next to Cal, at first in silhouette; then he draws his sword and turns to face us. He has pointy ears and a grey cap, and either no facial features at all or a “blank expression.”

I wonder if this is Dave’s Bro.

Cut back to the rocket-Sburb cylinder. The fuel tank is running to empty; it sets down on a ledge near the frog temple, and we can look up to see that it is very tall, but possibly climb-able… then everything goes white, and the music stops.

At this point, I pause to consider what might be happening next. That’s a lot of movie stuff going on, major plot threads all coming together (yegods I hope they’re all coming together and it’s not just randomly kinda jumping between one person and another), and I want to take a break and get a drink. (Or something stronger. Which I’m not going to have, 'cos it’s the middle of the night and besides, I don’t actually have anything stronger.) So maybe it’s time to get a frappuccino-inna-bottle and relax my hands a bit, 'cos the music has been a bit relentless, and montage time jumps take a lot longer when you keep stopping them to screencap.

You, of course, get no break. (Unless you want to; I can’t force you to read this all at once.) I could be really mean and post something–an ellipsis, a couple of asterisks–for every three minutes I spend away from the keyboard, to really bring home the sense of “taking a break here,” but I’m just not that cruel.

However, now would probably be a good time to take a break in the reading, if you were so inclined.

***

Just one. That’s enough.

The white screen changes to a gently glowing grey lotus-blurry slowly spinning thing.

Is that… it? I took a break before the grey lotus screensaver? (Where can I get a grey lotus screensaver for my computer?)

No, there’s one more flicker on the screen, some guy, maybe a silhouette, but I am not fast enough to catch it. Okay, done. NEXT.

Next is “End of Act 2,” as the curtain closes on the frog temple. I can just see the little white dot that is the Sburb rocket with the Wayward Vagabond and Serenity, but at this distance, neither of them is visible.

Is gardenGnostic the one drawing the curtains? She’s the only one who wasn’t in the video.


	42. Bro Strider’s True Identity

There’s a song in my head, because of this picture:

I’d just mention the song and give you a YouTube link, but it doesn’t work like that, because the song is filk and I don’t know if it’s ever been recorded; I’ve only heard it once. (Live at a LASFS meeting; Jane Mailander sang it, and it had enough impact that I remember it clearly more than 20 years later.)

It’s to the tune of [Black Denim Trousers and Motorcycle Boots](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FtiEtPQUmAM), a 50’s song about a “bad boy” with a motorcycle. (The ~~linked video is mediocre~~ Youtube link is picture only, but the other choices are pictures of the single on a turntable.) It’s a catchy tune with an entirely predictable plot.

The filk is called [Cybersaga](https://web.archive.org/web/20030630133247/http://www.filk.com/songs/CYBERSAGA.htm), by Kay Shapero; it’s about Shadowrun.

Obviously, Bro Strider does not have green skin. In this pic, anyway. But there’s a meteor storm going on, and the lighting’s all weird. Maybe pale green skin looks almost white in the red-and-yellow firelight. Also can’t see a computer socket in his head, but the hat might cover that. Would probably cover that; you wouldn’t want your netport socket to be open to the sky, especially when meteors are throwing ash and fire all over the place. He does have pointed ears, a pair of mirrorshades, and I have no problem imagining him in a black leather jacket with “Deck ’Em” on the back.

Bro Strider’s identity has been established. He’s an elf netrunner who will get into trouble if he dabbles with magic. Maybe he already did, and that’s how he wound up here.

> _**He had pointed green eartips, a socket in his head,**_  
>  _**And a black leather jacket with “Deck ’em” on the back.**_  
>  _**He had a pair of mirror shades that flashed like the midday sun**_  
>  _**That elf was the terror of every shadowrun.**_

No wonder he’s not the sane one in this story.

**Author's Note:**

> Act 2 posts can be found at <https://elfstuck.tumblr.com/tagged/Act-2/chrono>.


End file.
